The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm feeling a little down today. Tomorrow I go in to the Doc again, they should have results from the MRI and some of the bloodwork, some was sent to the Mayo clinic ... not sure that will be back yet. I'm worried they found an answer and I am worried they have not. I've been doing alot of thinking about practical matters, now that I am not married there are some things I need to do. A living will, power of attorney for medical concerns, life insurance beneficiary change. I wonder who to ask for that responsibility.
I've been emailing and talking to the gentleman I went on the date with. I do hope to see him again, I think the feeling is mutual. Then I start thinking about if it is fair to get involved with anyone. And when exactly do you tell someone ... "well I haven't felt my feet in a week, my stomach feels like a novacaine shot is wearing off, and when I bend my head my whole body vibrates ... there may be something eating my spine"? I've gotten used to telling people I am legally blind ... I don't know I guess I am just feeling unapealling right now.
I've taken a bath, said the Serenity, am grateful I was able to babysit my nephew today, and have my friends and family and monster dog. I'm trying to be happy and it's just coming out as pitiful. Thanks for listening Jen
Oh Jen, wish I could come hang out and watch some funny stuff and play pictionery oh and lay on the floor with the monster. I could bring my monster who is probably smaller than your dogs head!
Worry is wasted. Maybe change your words in your head to concerned. NO matter what, it is what it is and it will be ok. We take a bit at a time and do what we can.
You could have a wart on the end of your nose and still be beautiful. Your heart transcends thru space to MIP!
I would tell your friend when you feel it just comes out. No plan, just spontaneous. That is me.
Trust yourself to know when. I don't know about you, but I look for a guy who is or has this certain way about him. I don't care if he has one arm or has ms etc. I am looking for truth, a heart, laughter, witty, easy going but also tough. I love a streak of stubborn cowboy likeness....haha and of course a guy who can build and fix stuff.
thats all. haha so I would say he is liking YOU, he is getting to know your personality and characteristics. Your health stuff will come up.
I am not perfect at all but then no one is. Especially when we are close to fifty and over, most everyone will have some issues.
I just reread your post again,"trying to be happy." My experience is I do what I do and don't ask for more than except serenity. So when I cry as I drive home from town next to a beautiful river in a beautiful area, I feel serene foundation but that inner sadness of no one is home waiting for me. meaning my ah.
Or I play with the animals or care for them, even when I feel blah and depressed and accept I am depressed but I like how my horse smells and how soft my big sheep Pammy is.
Aloha Jenn!! If I don't know I can't worry. If I turn it over and live in the moment I am relaxed and open. If I have hope and am trusting there is nothing to do but enjoy the moment as you have just done. Good share. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for your kind words. They made me feel better and think some, that feeling is there Deb, there is still worry and depression but underneath there is a foundation of calmness and serenity. It's nice to be reminded of that! And yes I am doing all the right things or at least trying it anyway. And of course if I liked someone it would not matter what they looked like, health issues and so on. I'm just frustrated with some of my hopefully temporary limitations.
Anyway my appoinment today ... no conclusive results, my bloodowrk is normal, this MRI is clear, my vision tested better than it has been in quite some time HURRAY. My Doc wants to set up another MRI for more body parts, I would think by now they would all be tired of looking at my brain <shaking head> possibly another spinal tap, except I really do not have two days to lie flat afterwards or want to ask for the help I would need in order to do that. So no bad news and I am still a medical mystery LOL
Thanks again, I'll do my best to appreciate the good stuff in life and not beat up myself so much. I can still do that for myself while I am frustrated and a little scared. There has to be a good balance somewhere, I'll find it.
