The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a bit of an update, but also a note to say that I think I am learning!
My ex ABF wanted to meet for dinner tonight, which we've done a few times since we've been broken up. It's always a quick dinner--pizza--and I have to admit, I have gotten emotional each time we met up.
Yesterday he asked me if we could keep the dinner "drama free" to which I replied "I am offended by that, maybe we should just skip it." He called and explained that he wants me to be free of him and his "BS" and that he does not have it in him to take me down with him and that's what will happen, etc. etc. etc. He has said this a million times before to me. I respect that, but I want to know about his progress. I keep thinking that by knowing about his progress or lack thereof, I will be able to move forward (either feeling hopeful about us getting back together, or more realistic about us not being together again).
The truth is, I don't know this regardless of his progress, do I? So I guess it's good for me to be in the dark about his program and recovery.
Long story short, he called me at 5:10, was supposed to be here at 5:00, and asked if we could make it a quick dinner. I said we could skip it entirely and he could just come to the house and pick up what he needs to pick up. He said that would be best. I went ahead and put the things out for him, he got here, we said hello, exchanged a few meaningless words, he picked up the stuff and said he had to go. It was a total of three minutes, if that. I didn't cry, though I wanted to as soon as I laid eyes on him, but I saved that for after he left.
Has anyone ever experienced something like this with their A?
The positive from this is that I did not cry! It breaks my heart to see him. I still cannot believe that we are where we are. I think about my life a year ago, and while it was not perfect my any means, we were together, and that made sense to me. It still does not make sense to me to be apart from him now, even though I know why we are (if that makes any sense!).
The other change in me is that I didn't push it when he said he didn't want to do dinner. I didn't feel rejected by him, which is a first. Though I was angry with him at first, I didn't show it and I didn't let it last. I think this is what we call progress, yes???
Hope everyone is keeping warm on this very cold night.
Knowing that I have felt and feel that way....I finally got to a point where, why bother? Nothing has changed, I cannot control it, if he shows up he does, but it means nothing.
It hurts becuz I of course want the man back who laughed with me and I would tickle him under the table with my foot when we went out to eat.
So to me it is like wanting my husband like mad, yet I see him and he is not there.
Hugs honey, yes you are on your path, though it is still painful.
Realizations/ truths are not always comfortable to accept.
Thanks for your reply. What you said is a great description of what it's like to see him..."So to me it is like wanting my husband like mad, yet I see him and he is not there." That is exactly what it is and few people understand that.
I feel especially lonely tonight. I feel like it's unnatural for me to be alone so much at my age (34). I want to have "the" husband and family I should have--and it should be the same type of family I grew up--stable and loving. Why is that so difficult to find?
Thanks for the memories of one of the most explosive lessons I have ever learned in Al-Anon. Just to keep the story short it was about the thoughts "I love you, I like having your here and I don't need you." Of course I had a huge, temporary problem with the part "...and I don't need you." Huge because it went against everything I believed about my relationships. Temporary because with some quiet reflective time and the "openmindedness" required of the Al-Anon program in order to get help I came to see myself as a needy person who would always be dependent upon another or others for my happiness, self esteem and security. Since I was most able to choose alcoholics and addicts in my relationships I was doomed if I kept seeing life thru the old lenses and doing the same things over and over again expecting different results thru luck and a better partner. I have been in so many sick relationships with the original intention on having "just the right one" and never quite saw the picture until I got to "...and I don't need you."
Keep coming back cause in time with working it you will get sooo much better. (((((hugs)))))
Here is the AA quote that works best for me when I am in the spot you are in:
ACCEPTANCE IS the answer to ALL my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Thank you everyone for your replies. Each of the responses I have here have spoken some truth about what I am feeling. That is rare...so I must have been pretty clear in my share! Thank you again and again!
