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I haven't posted lately, but I'm here everyday. Some of you may know my story, but in a short recap: I'm married 20 years to a wonderful, sweet, kind, loving man who also is, I believe, and end-stage alcoholic. He was sober for over 15 years without a single relapse, relapsed about 5 years ago, and has spiraled downhill ever since, to the point of 2 rehabs in 15 months, the loss of his job of over 25 years, and almost dying several months ago (before the last rehab) due to alcohol induced rhabdomyolyoisis (kidney failure due to severe muscle wasting), and has alcoholic liver disease and became abusive to the point of police involvement and court intervention (I think partially due to his liver not being able to filter out the toxins of alcohol). He has never been able to maintain sobriety for more than 3 months. Anyway, he recently passed the 3 month mark, and of course, relapsed. I told him I would not deal w/relapses and made him leave our home. He did, but proceeded to drink himself into oblivion and wake us up every night cause he was sleeping in his truck and "got cold". He finally sobered up to go to his outpatient treatment (he needs to for court), stayed with a friend (recovering A), but relapsed again and is now wanting to come back home. He truly has no one left. No friends, no family, no one wants to be bothered with him. My kids (ages 30, 26 and 25) have sat down w/me and said "look, he's basically gonna kill himself in a matter of months. We know you love him and want him sober, we all do, but he does not love himself nor want himself sober, no matter what we do. He's too far gone for recovery. If putting him out of the house would help him and us, we'd be all for it. But it's not helping anyone." They have suggested that just let him come home, drink as much as he wants, let him live his life w/no interference from us either way. Just accept it and admit powerlessness over it (which I have already done) and let the natural occurances happen (such as when he misses his court ordered treatment). They and I know that he does not want to be this way, he is very sad and in a way, pathetic, and in my heart, I feel they are right, he is too far gone for help. I have come so far in my own recovery (as I think my children also have) between reading the literature, meetings, etc., I think I can possibly handle it. But at times, when things don't go "his way", such as if I went out to the movies or something w/friends, he can be very difficult, depending on how drunk he is, and insist on going ... blah blah blah ... Anyone who has ever lived w/an active end stage alcoholic or anyone who has any ESH to share to hlep me keep my good mindset, is appreciated. Thank you all.
I'm sorry you are faced with these decisions. I do not have any experience of living with an A at the end stages. I did live with my AexH for a year while our divorce was in process, he was actively drinking 24/7. It was difficult to say the least. I had a crash course in learning how to stand up for myself, as in the "Iwant to come along" things, and creating boundaries. I can say with hindsight it hindered my recovery in some ways, strengthened it in others. But I can not honestly say I would suggest it to anyone, especially if there is any chance of violent behavior. You are in my thoughts, I wish you the best.
Dear Queenie. Wow, I can really relate to your situation.
I have been married to AH for 22 years and he has been in the grip of the disease for the last 6 years. For the last year or two he has been so severly affected that he has had very many medical consequences including stroke, seizures and liver problems (including high ammonia levels from liver dysfunction - leading to severe hallucinations). I have only one child - a 16 y.o son.
I have contemplated staying by my man until his eventual death. I truly accept this as a disease and feel that at these late stages I want to be as kind as I can and offer medical care as well.
A few issues have gotten in the way for me. My AH was never previously aggressive - suddenly he became so and I want to be sure my son and I are safe. Secondly, my son does not want to be under the same roof. Unfortunately, finances are a problem, so we currently have to "deal with it".
Queenie, I have been asking my HP for guidance. Should we part or should we stay. So far, despite my pursuit of an out, there are so many barriers, maybe HP wants me to stay? This also gives me more of an inner peace when it comes to my desire to provide a place for my AH to spend his last days, weeks, months or years.
My fear about this is that this may be my codependence talking, not my HP so I wait for clarity.
No matter what you decide, please: * be sure you are safe * keep a certain amount of focus on you * keep working your program
End stage is exactly that. This disease is a fatal disease if the drinking is not arrested by total abstinence and prior to death is a period of insanity. Where there is Higher Power there is always hope along with all of the wills envolved. If and when your alcoholic abandons himself and his will over to his Higher Power and reaches out for help he will have the help to stop drinking and get sober. We in AA talk about the requirements for sobriety as being willing and have the capacity to be honest and then the program with it's steps, traditions, concepts, and following thru with suggestions from a sponsor and other recovering alcoholics. There's more of course and for now the reality is that he is still drinking with severe end-stage symptoms.
I don't know if the members of the AA fellowship in your area do 12step calls. I would suggest that you call them and ask and to trust them with your story then turn him over to your Higher Power completely. I've seen it work at times and fail at times and isn't that what hope is about?
(((((queenie))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a difficult situation to be in. You striving for your serenity and him trying to continue his path of self destruction. I don't know if my AH is in the "end stage" or not. But he is in the midst of a struggle. He "says" he wants to stop but I have seen no actions that support those words. He recently had a stent put in his heart and was told to stop drinking and smoking, he didn't stop either one. Wait, he did stop drinking for 5 days. I kept telling him suring that week that each day was just that, "for that day". He still went back to drinking. His choice. I always keep the three C's in mind. I didn't cause this and I can't cure and I can't control it. I can only take care of me. Not to say that I don't "take care" of him. I do cook and clean and wash clothes. But those are the rolls we set up many years ago. With the kids getting older and moving out and going away to school, I have more time for myself. Which is wonderful, given my current situation. I thank my HP each day for this board and finding MIP many months ago. If you haven't already, I would suggest trying a meeting online here. The are offered 7 days a week and you can go into the chat room at any time. I have received a lot of support doing that. I wish you luck and stay strong by keeping the focus on yourself and your well being. You deserve it!!!
Have you been to any AA meetings. I have met people there who were end stage alcohlics who got sober. I don't think there is any one who is too far goen to get sober. Obviously what you do is your decision. If I were making the deciison with children I would be asking them to committ to doing various things to contribute rather than ask you to shoulder the load.
I don't really agree that someone has nothing there are options, drying out for one. There are generally detox places around. There is also medical intervention.
The only thing I would suggest is you totally throw yourself into this program, give it your all. You don't have to make a decision right away. I know having lived with an alcoholic for years it was always "right away". The more I can delay a decision around an alcoholic the better the chance they take responsibility for their lives. If you are going to tkae this on, recruit help, make them make commitments and get as much "help" as you can yourself. You deserve it.
I've been to AA meetings, I've also been told that he is "end stage" by several counselors at his rehab that he has gone to twice in a little more than a year. This time, they thought he had really gotten it after almost dying (and he was told that if he continued to drink, he would die), one said he felt confident, like AH finally "surrendered". Thing is, I was hoping he'd stay sober, hoping he'd stay alive and be a husband, father and grandfather. We all hoped that. But now we all realized that we have to allow him to live his life his way, and he wants to live it drinking. This is a man who is so responsible, confident, thorough when he is sober. Yet, drinking, turns into a sad, pathetic, passed out on somebody's lawn drunk. He has drank and drove more times than I care to count, has taken money out of our bank account and blew it on golf clubs, etc. which he would never do when sober. I know he knows he's an alcoholic, he'll flat out admit it, yet he can't and won't stop. I have turned him over to my HP. HP will take care of him in his own time. As for my kids, my boys live w/us, they have offered to help in any way they can, we have all read "getting them sober" and alanon literature, and yes, we have been to many alanon meetings. My older son, I lovingly refer to as "Mr. Alanon". He lives and breathes the program, always did, naturally. He has been my source of inspiration thru all of this. I just know that when AH drinks for weeks on end, babbles on incoherently, wants to sit there and hug me, talks thru all of my TV shows, etc., makes giant messes all day that I have to clean up when I get home from working full time, when I won't be able to talk to people on the phone, or go to a movie or out w/a friend, that is when my patience and recovery will really be tested. But I guess for now, I can only do it one day at a time. Thank you to all for your esh and keep it coming!
