The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while. For those who read my past posts, I had the, "at the time sober" Abf who choose to leave 2 months ago as quick as the hunting season came. I have been doing ok since. Have been going to meetings and even started going out to get more social and meet people. I have thought of him everyday, miss him very much, but I also remember the bad things and that is what hurts the most this time around. So much broken trust and hurt. Anyways, my Abf left me with no self esteem or confidence whatsoever. It is a very hard process on getting that back but I am working on it. After I had been going to meetings awhile, I started to notice things in my family that I didn't like. How my sister would think it was ok to just yell at me when she got mad, and how my mom has a control issue regarding my son (also with other things but this is my thing with her). Last year when I was going through another time when my A left (I was not in a program then) I was completely broken and sick. Very severe anxienty attacks and depression. My mom helped with my son alot. However, since then (and actually at times before I just didn't notice it I guess) she feels she has to state her opinion about how to raise my son - such as mslouise, did you get this part of his homework done, I think you should teach him responsibility this way, I think he needs to do this and that that way and you should do this and that.....etc. This is not just a little incident here and there. It's alot. I understand that she loves her grandson, but I can't even discipline him in front of her if he is doing something bad because then I will get the "oh your a bad mother" look. So I don't bother anymore. The thing is I have totally changed since meeting my A. I don't even like the same hobbies or music I used too. And I now have a voice and I won't let things get by like they used to - I won't take verbal abuse or anything like that anymore. I have learned to stand up for myself. But I think my family wants me back to the old me. The one that would be quiet and shy and not say a word or cause any trouble. I have tried to talk to my mom now 3 times about this. The most recent as of a couple days ago. I told her that this family would loose me if things did not improve. Told her that it takes all I have to try and rebuild confidence lost by the A, and when she questions things regarding my son it underminds any confidence I have or am trying to build as a mom. She said she would try. Said she doesn't mean to do it. This morning my son left his shoes in the back of my car and I dropped him off at my moms and went to work. I did not know he did not have his shoes. My mistake. Should have made sure. But then my sister called with her attitude about how now she has to go to my house and look for another pair. Then my mom calls and proceeds to tell me how I can make my son more responsible and this is what I should do. I was at work, got off the phone and was very upset. My mom has been trying to call me at least 5 times tonight but I have not answered. I feel trapped in this situation because she watches my son. If I could I would put him in afterschool program but I have no help from the father and can't afford it. I feel like I have no one now. My so called best friend my sister, is not a companion to me, I really don't see my brother alot and my mom I just don't want to be around with this kind of lack of support. I am giving up and it is becoming very stressfull for me and I am scared. For the last 2 weeks I have been depressed, and I am worried that my anxiety will come back. I know that I have to keep working my program, but when there is a situation you are forced to deal with on a daily basis it pushes you and pushes you. I am at a lost and feel numb at this point.
Al-Anon works for all relationships not just the alcoholic , your mom is just being a mom , I have had the same problem in the past I always took it so personally that I was a failure , not true. I learned that when she would say things like that I would just say I am working on it mom be patient ,and it was over . Your vulnerable right now so everything hurts . If you can learn to respond with humor instead of reacting life will get much easier . Later in program I caught myself saying to my son when he brought home a B - maybe next time u can try for an A .sheeeeeesh I was doing to him what was done to me ,I was telling him that he just wasn't good enough , all i intended to do was to encourage him to do better,but it came out sounding like a put down . Mom is not going to change ,u cant change her so try a different attitude and see if your relationship changes for the better. Mom is a big help to you and I know u love her and she you . Acceptance works - and just because people don't agree with what we are doing dosen't mean we are wrong it simply means that we disagree. good luck
I remember getting to the point where I too didn't like the music I was hearing and was dancing too fast with partners I didn't get along with. Stop the music!!
There is no way of forcing recovery. No way of getting it the first time or in a certain amount of time. That is what we have the slogans for. Grace during those period of time where we feel stressed between the then and the now.
Consider Easy does it! Slow your self down. You don't gotta get it perfectly right, right now. You can get little bits and forgive yourself and others for not getting it all. Consider also one of my very best slogans. Don't react!! No matter what is happening around me reacting to it never gets me serenity. I need and will take some time to look at what is happening and decide if it really has anything to do with me and then decide if I will be what part of the solution. I will also forgive and have compassion for all those others envolved who don't have the tools of this miraculous program.
You're okay and right where you are supposed to be...in recovery school with all us other students.
Well you don't have no- one but you certainly have this room. Who ever said that boundaries were going to be easy?
i think it is actually immense progress that you see the dysfunction around you now. We are "schooled" to accept A's in many ways aren't we.
I do think you can resolve this issue. One is to learn how to detach. Believe me it takes a lot of work to de-tach. Then when you get better at de-taching, things like your sister being upset will not affect you so personally. Of course your sister is not about to change because you ask her to.
I have certainly been around controlling people all my life. I have had to learn how to set limits and believe me I fumble with it. The issue for me is that at least I do it now. I practice it. I look at options. I explore options. I look for support and go gently into it.
I'm sure you will do well. You have done an incredible job since you got it, much much progress.
i know this may be hard to hear that the fact you are noticing boundary stuff is good because it feels "awful" but it also means you are changing a great deal.
I'm sure all this change will have a dynamic effect on your son in time and think what a great great gift that is to him.
