The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here, but have been reading your entries for several weeks. It still amazes me that there are so many out there struggling just like me. I have been to a few Al-ANon meetings, but life is so busy, that it is hard to find the time to go! I have been married to my AC/AH for 11 years. He went through detox/treatment several years ago and remained sober for almost a year (maybe). He never attended AA.
We have 3 children, my oldest son has a different father, who he recently moved in with. My son's father and I have always gotten along for the sake of our son and he has been an active part of my son's life. I believe that my son moved out of our home largely due to the constant tension. My AH has been a step-father to my son for 12 years, however has always treated him differently than our two other children. I have asked my AH many times to talk with our oldest son when he has been in trouble, struggling with typical adolescent boy things and he tells me, "he's your kid!" He has also made several comments directly to our son like, "Maybe you should just go live with your dad!" or "You need to call your dad and tell him what you did at school today!" Sadly, I think it was the best thing for my son to get out of the madness and move in with his dad's family. It breaks my heart.
This was MY wake up call...I soon after filed for divorce and moved myself and my 2 children out of the only house they had ever known, as my AH refused to go. I felt like I was being forced to choose between my son and my husband. My AH was flabergasted! We talked a lot over the past three months, and the kids and I just moved back into our home and we decided to make another go of it. The divorce is still on "hold."
Needless to say, we've been there for about 2 weeks and guess what!?!?!? Same old, same old. My AH has defaulted on many credit card payments, this has been going on for years and continues to not pay the bills. Meanwhile, I have excellent credit, work my tail off to keep my payments current while supporting myself and the kids. His drinking has become a daily occurence again and so have the little white lies. He is rarely home with the kids and I, he is off hunting, working, helping his friends, drinking. Through Al-Anon, I'm trying to Detatch and Accept that it is a disease but I feel like a suspicious luinatic again, questioning in my mind everything that he does.
No matter what, his disease affects me and my children. That is where I'm struggling so much. I just can't "let it go!" I don't know that I ever will. I feel like I'm chasing something that I will never catch up to. Love should not be this hard and painful. Love for my children is effortless :) I just can't make sense of it! I have so much more to share, but feel like I'm rambling. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! I just needed to vent, thank you for "listening!"
Welcome - your trying to solve a prob that has nothing to do with you , YOUR not the reason he drinks . regardless of what he says . this is his to fix leave it with him . Find time for your Al-Anon meetings u need support and you are worth the effort . Life will improve if u do what the prog suggests to the best of your ability . Keep going and perhaps purchase some Alateen literature for your children it will help . Louise
Welcome to hope and miracles if you put your recovery of peace of mind and serenity first ...or else you get the same old same old and your alcoholic addict all at the same time. You play a big part in your same old same old and it is not that you "can't" change (so many of us thought that same thing) it's more like you "won't". When I started working this program it started working for me and I got my mind, body, spirit and emotions back and in order. If what you have with your children is love then maybe what you have with your alcoholic/addict is addiction...yours for him. You will hear often that the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and the spouse/partner is addicted to the alcoholic. That was true for me. Make your recovery most important. You will probably not get the other nice life stuff if you don't.
Welcome Soobie. Remember the three C's = you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. Go to meetings, read the literature, and keep coming back.
(Soobie) In reading your post there is one thing that is never mentioned, and it is the single most important thing we learn in Al-Anon, taking care of the only person we have any control over. You.
With the active alocholic nothing changes when nothing changes. When nothing changes we have what we had when we started. More of the same over and over. Thank goodness I have this program and my Al-Anon family of which I am so thankful that I can always count on.
Soobie, there is only one way this disease can beat you, and that is if you let it. You might consider doing what I did over a year ago. I turned my AW over to my HP. I gave my AW to him and promised him he could have her full time with no interference from me. My only problem was, to start with I felt guility because I was "not" worrying about my AW. After a few days I got over that by repeating to myself, HP is in charge and is doing a much better job than I was going. Then for the first time I started doing what I suggest you do. I started taking care of myself. It is very evident in you post you are doing a great job of taking care of everyone but yourself. Start today, do it for you. You deserve it.
The Alcoholics In out lives are going to do what they are going to do. The bigger question is what are we going to do???
Thank you for responding and for your wisdom! When I looked at my post later in the day, I thought to myself...she's back! The person I am truly trying to help here...myself.
When I was not living with him for those few months, things were so much better. I was attending meetings and reading the literature at least an hour every night. I have also kept in touch with one of the members from a group. The kids were more relaxed (because I was!). Now that we are back, reality slaps me in the face-bills, deadlines, appointments, laundry, dishes, etc. and I have been taking care of everybody else again and let myself get back on the pitty potty.
Tonight...I am planning to attend a meeting. I will turn off the TV and read for at least 30 minutes. I will write my gripes on paper. I will not react to his snide comments. Time to change my focus.
Again, thank you for your comments and opening my eyes again.
