The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had been doing things for myself, keeping myself busy, in the absense of my aH, in response to our separation 3 1/2 weeks ago. I wondered how to differentiate between taking care of myself, and distraction. I'm still not totally certain on that. For me, I've noticed that it is all in perspective. I can so easily look at things thru angry, resentful, biased glasses and see everything in relation to my aH as negative, a lie, a scam, ... waiting for the next shoe to drop. Over the past week, with some help from some members here calling my bluff, I've found a way to stop...and listen to my HP and my aH. Like, really listen. Listen to him as though he is indeed a fellow human being - not the enemy. And I have rediscovered some things out about myself through that process. Some things seem a little clearer. I do not cause, cannot control or cure the alcoholic behaviour of my aH. I do however cause a lot, a lot, a lot of my own anguish, and today, for me, taking good care of myself means looking at that. Taking good care of myself, means understanding what I do, why I do it and when it's okay to do differently. TAking good care of myself today means really looking at ME and allowing myself the freedom of choosing a different way.
I am also the adult child of an a-stepdad. I've learned very well how to be chaotic, thinking that's normal. Well, it is normal for ME, given my experiences, but what I want is something different. I want to create a new normal...so that the legacy of chaotic behaviour does not stay alive in my son's childhood and adult life. Nope, it's got to stop here.
I truly thank HP, MIP family, myself and my aH for helping me to see this, as I feel like I truly have a chance now for happiness, peace and serenity. It begins with taking good care of ME!
How wonderful you have a plan and a health direction to work towards.
I use to tell my kids "you can not run away from anything, but you can walk towards a better situation"
I am starting to practice what I preach. I have stopped running away because I can not run away from myself. I have stopped, taken a good personal inventory, started working on myself. NOW I can walk towards my future.
Taking care of myself is the first step to be health enough to share myself with others without giving so much I give away more than I can afford to, and it stops me from taking too much from them. Taking away their ability to take pride in fixing their own problems.
Totally awesome share Rora!! Just what I needed to hear this AM! Thank you for writing what you did. I woke up this AM after a very troubled night so full of joy and acceptance. It was the first snow and there is a little bit of it covering the ground and its so incredibly beautiful to me.
I allow SO MUCH to trouble me. I really let it in, DEEP under my skin, down right into the very center of my heart and you know what?! I have control over that!!!!! Like you, I can see what I am doing to myself, living a life of chaos and anguish.
Last night I jettisoned everything that was bugging me (it was legion, believe me) to HP and asked him to manage it 'cause there was no way I was able to- just too OVERWHELMING (step 1). I felt my feelings last night. I communicated them to someone who I felt needed to hear it. I got a response that was not what I wanted but you know what? SO not my problem. What does it matter how other people respond as long as its not violent and unsafe towards me directly? THAT is about THEM, its not about me. I just need to say my piece. End of story. I am finding more and more, I just need to be me, state my piece and move on. Feel my feelings then let it go.
Then I wake up to the most incredible morning of my life. I went running in that incredibly cleansing cold crisp air and the early winter light is so beautiful. I felt so glad to be alive and in a body that simply ADORES being here, being healthy, running free, heart open to the amazing sky, face uplifted to heaven!!!! YAHOO! WHO CARES about anyone else when I got HP?!! HP is the best of the best, it doesnt get any better than this, no one has the ability to nurture or please like HP. Hugs, J.
You've just cleared up something I have been struggling with. I was worrying about the keeping busy thing, I saw it as an avoidance tactic. It didnt make sense to me. If I was so busy how could I solve my problems and take care of myself??
'Taking good care of myself, means understanding what I do, why I do it and when it's okay to do differently. TAking good care of myself today means really looking at ME and allowing myself the freedom of choosing a different way'
Brilliant! I can now see the reasoning behind this. It doesnt just mean taking care of the physical self but of our personal self.
AAAHAs!!! Don't you just love em? I understood them as mini miracles; kinda like the little pop of a firecracker before the "boom" of an awesome sky rocket.
That was an inlightening share and very supportive to me. Keep coming back there are miracles coming beyond your wildest imagination.
"Taking good care of myself, means understanding what I do, why I do it and when it's okay to do differently. TAking good care of myself today means really looking at ME and allowing myself the freedom of choosing a different way."
D'oh! So THAT'S what it means :)
Thank you (((Rora))) for spelling it out so clearly for me.
Jerry - I like your firecracker analogy - very cool!
Rora thanks for sharing.It sounds like you are learning a lot and doing well. Taking care of myself is a good thing. For me it just means putting my needs first. like last night I was not feeling well so I went to sleep instead of going grocery shopping and going out when I knew I was not feeling well and rest is what I needed. Distraction is good as well for me but I need to not be busy distracted and forget about taking care of me. Like sometimes I will distract myself with work but I'm so busy I get warn down and become sick. So you really need to listen to your self and your body. Keep up the good work!!
well i think both distraction and learning to take care of ourselve is a great part of the al anon program. I personally adopted distraction a great deal to great effection in de-taching from the A. I made a huge issue of not knowing what the A was doing. i still do. Wild horses would not drag me to go look and see where he is or what he is doing. I did look up some stuff about our old neighborhood the other day but I'm not going there because I know the a's friends are there.
So I think the two are great great allies of healing personally. I would employ both of them judiciously especially in early recovery.
