The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm writing this letter to you because I don't yet have the courage to speak to you about this face to face. Most of the time, I don't feel safe expressing my feelings to you as you usually find a way to take what I say and mold it into a very sharp object to stab me with repeatedly later on.
All I want right now is to be able to express my feelings to you - good, bad or indifferent - without having my words used against me at a later time and without being told that I'm a slut and a whore just like my mother or any of the other uncomplimentary things you have said about me and my sexuality. And you wonder why I don't talk with you or want any intimacy with you on any level.
I also want for our children to be able to interact with you without being made to feel less than human just because they aren't meeting your expectations of the moment. We have some damn good kids - they make decent grades in school, they don't run around with a rough crowd, they are kind, compassionate, delightful human beings. Yet after spending any length of time with you, they go away feeling like dirt. And you wonder why they wanted to move out as quickly as possible after reaching the age of 18.
Last week our oldest son spent most of his nights with a friend after reaching his limit for the stress of being at home and interacting with you when you're under the influence. You didn't drink for 2 days while he was gone and you even called him to apologize. It was a nice gesture, but it didn't cut it with our son, or with me either, for that matter. He wants you to stop drinking. Period. I want you to stop drinking too, but I also want for you to get into recovery. The difference between me and our son is that I understand that this is a choice YOU have to make. There's nothing any of us can do that will make you take action. Right now, we are all hurting and trying to do the best we can. Unfortunately, I think this is going to result in our son moving out permanently. My gut tells me it will probably be the best thing for him. My heart hurts with this knowledge as I understand the pain and grief he's feeling and don't blame him one bit for wanting some distance.
We have one child left at home now. He is also a beautiful human being, yet there are times when you interact with him that he pulls away. Maybe you're playing a little too rough or maybe you're just getting on his nerves. Rather than look at how you have acted with him, you choose to accuse me or one of his siblings with influencing his attitude about you. Sweetheart - you influence the attitudes of those around you just fine on your own - we don't need any one else to tell us what we live with day in and day out.
You tell me you drink to cope with my past behavior - things I did 20 years ago that I am truly sorry for and have tried to make amends for ever since. I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. Up until recently, I believed you and took responsibility for your drinking. I finally realized that you had established this pattern of behavior before I made my mistakes. What a relief it was to realize that I didn't cause this to happen. I contributed to the situation, certainly, and am willing to accept my part in it. But ultimately I have realized that you are as responsible for your actions and reactions as I am my own.
After years of setting my feelings aside or discounting them as not valid based on what you have told me, I've reached a point where I can't hold them in any longer. I have to let them out and deal with them. I have to make some decisions - not necessarily act on them immediately, but they do need to be made. I simply can't live like this any more. It's not fair to anyone in our home.
My gut is telling me I need to have a plan for separate living arrangements very soon. My heart is telling me not to ask you to leave as it would put an undo financial burden on you. My heart is also full of fear that you will somehow find a way to turn the tables on me and take our youngest child from me forever. You have made threats to that effect both over the years and very recently. My head is telling that there's no logical, rational basis to that fear, but I should seek legal advice before taking any action.
I have begun to see that my past mistakes occurred when I didn't listen to my gut. When I ignore my gut and choose a course of action, I find that I regret it later. I'm going to attempt to do the next right thing and listen to my head and my gut. My heart is too messed up right now to be reliable. I won't set any ultimatums, but I am going to put together a solid plan B that is more than just spending the night in a hotel at the spur of the moment. For now, that's what I can do.
As for my feelings for you, I can only say that I feel compassion for you as a human being. I detest how you behave when you are drinking. I detest how I feel when I'm around you when you are drinking. I can't honestly say what my feelings were for you in the past as my own perspective has been so skewed for so long. Nor can I say how I will feel about you in the future should you choose to recover. All I know is how I feel right now.
I don't know if I will show you this letter, but I can say it has helped me a little to unload some of these thoughts and feelings. If you do see this, I can only hope it will give you something to think about and maybe help you make a decision to seek recovery.
Sincerely,
_______________________"
MIP family - thank you for being here to listen and share your ESH.
that is very courageous and articulate. Its a great letter BG. I have felt this way also and have written so many letters that never were sent (thank goodness). Its good to get it out here. Your letter really touched me. Its so incredible how horrible this disease is. Bless you and hugs, J.
That is a really nice letter, and very heartfelt..... I just wish that giving it to your A could be of more value...... My experience has been that active A's will use every word in their favor, rather than hear the meaning and feelings behind the words.....
I'm always reminded by the words of my wise old sponsor, who told me, over and over again - "Alcoholics listen to our ACTIONS, not our words"
Take care, and thanks for sharing
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks to everyone for your responses. I just had to get that out of my system (and there's PLENTY more where that came from!), but will probably never show it to my A, at least while he's active as I know (yes, in my gut!) that it will serve no productive purpose.
tlc - many of your posts touch me - and I'm frequently awed by your progress. You asked how do I feel? Well - I do feel better - I slept better last night after posting that letter than I have in a while.
So now my challenge is to translate my words into actions, one baby step at a time.
In the Getting Them Sober books, she says you can make a decision just for now or change it. Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest and just comptemplate your choices? It is empowering to know that you have choices even if they are small. My esh with my sons is that they have their dad figured out. I leave it up to them to choice how they feel about them.
As for the threats of taking your child. They do like to threaten and get you where you are most vulnerable. Alcoholic games. My AHsober has told me over the years that it is - you, you, you. And I believed him. Another smoke screen. He berated me for selling our house in a very desirable area. "We could have made a killing if we had waited" I fell for this for years until I said - well, the reason we moved was because of you.
Well, they don't listen. So stay strong and remember that you have choices.
