The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am generally an awesome sleeper. I love to sleep. I love to eat well, get plenty of rest, work hard and exercise. I love living a simple and balanced life. I am recently divorced, recently relocated and recently started a new job. I attend my weekly al-anon meeting and like my home group very much. I absolutely LOVE my new location and new job. Its embarrassing how happy I am with the way my life has turned around since entering al-anon, kicking my A ex H to the curb and focusing on ME. Happy as little clam, that has been me.
Before I relocated I had started seeing someone and it has progressed along at a very pleasant, very slow speed. He is bright, cheerful, funny and sweet. He has a terrific job, great cars, etc. and is incredibly smart and somewhat "normal". It is a long distance relationship (6000 miles) but its working for me these days, generally, as I am focusing mostly on me and am keeping this relationship "light". The great distance keeps it that way so its a kind of enforced discipline that helps keep me on track for now. We are both very busy with our careers and jobs that we love and we manage to see each other every couple of months by flying to a city in between to visit or I fly to see him. He has not come to visit me as I am still looking for a permanent home and am living in a temporary situation with friends in a large shared household. He will come to visit after I am more settled.
Everything is peachy.
Its scaring the he*l out of me.
Seriously.
I am waiting for everything to crash and burn. I am waiting to get laid off of my job. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. I am waiting for this guy to no longer be interested in me even though I know he adores me and is a-ok with the way things are, for now (as I am).
I have decided that I need to see a shrink again. My anxiety is heightening and I am not sleeping well for the first time in a long long time- back when I was living with my A (3 years ago) and was crying every single day and night and was deeply depressed. I am not depressed yet but know that this could snowball into something and I want to head it off at the pass. I see it as another way to love myself and take care of myself.
Thank you for listening. Any ES & H would be greatly appreciated. Hugs, J.
You said you have decided to start seeing a professional again? That sounds like a great idea. There have been so many changes in your life recently that I can see why things could get a little muttled. Seeking help is just another way of taking care of yourself. You sound like you have really got your life together, and you should be so proud of what you have accomplished. Part of focusing on yourself is knowing what you need both physically and mentally and it sounds like you have focused well.
You are not alone on this anxiety thing. I think it is perfectly natural, at least that is what I tell myself. After spending years with an on/off again A, I got into the habit of expecting the other shoe to drop. Feeling like happiness can not last. And maybe it can't, things happen ... with finances, family, love interests. The important thing I remind myself is that if I was able to grow and love myself enough to pull my being up from the depths I was in ... I along with my HP, and toolbox I can make it. I do have a therapist who helps me get past rough spots of anxiety over my vision loss. They have some good tools too.
This is dejavu I was just going to write about anxiety. I have started just taking care of myself recently too. Reading books and coming to this website. I have set a few boundaries with my AH about treating me with some respect (like coming home when he says he's going too) and my kids (clean up) and I nearly had to go on my anti-anxiety meds again. I too have this icky feeling that the other shoe is going to fall and all hell is going to break loose again - and things are going pretty well. I've read it's because we don't expect good things to happen to us. But you know what - they can. And if they don't it's not the end of the world - I can survive - I've survived worse. I've been into the pit of depression and anxiety quite a few times and I've dug myself out - but I don't want to go there again. This time I have my HP and Al-anon to help me get through this. Also I'm going to take care of myself by taking my medication and seeing a professional (which I do on occasion and she is a great help) Keep looking on the sunny side - sounds like things are going great for you. You deserve it - so enjoy this time. One day at a time.
First, when I had been in program about a year, starting to "get it", hubby was sober the same amount of time and working a strong program, I suddenly out of the blue sky lost it. Just flipped out. Couldn't concentrate. Couldn't perform any but the most routine, simple tasks. Couldn't get to sleep. It was awful. I did go to my doctor, and she changed my medication - added wellbutrin to paxil. I started listening to a meditation CD every night when I went to bed. And as had been suggested many times, but I kept putting off, I started writing about how I was feeling. I thought it was totally stupid, because I was writing the EXACT SAME words that had been through my head a billion times, but lo and behold - when I wrote it - not instantly, and not after just writing once, but after a while - something shifted. I can't explain it, or even describe it very well, but it helped. I talked to someone at a meeting about this & they said yes, when they wrote, they felt they were moving out of the problem into the solution.
In retrospect, I think that I finally felt safe enough to let out some step 1 stuff. I couldn't do that while I had to hold everything all together, now could I? When I had to figure out how the mortgage was going to be paid when I was the only one working? The immediate crises had passed, and so it was okay for me to go off of high alert. I sure didn't expect it to look so crazed, but looking back, it seems probable to me that this is what happened.
The other thing that occurs to me is yesterday's reading from C2C. It talks about why "keep coming back" is important, & goes on to say that we are so used to responding to crisis after crisis, that we feel like we have to do or say something - SOMETHING! - immediately. When there's no crisis to respond to - we freak out. It's as though the sky suddenly turned yellow - it's that unfamiliar to us.
More meetings for a while maybe? If not more meditation, then more something physical to get that energy out? You've been through a heck of a lot in the last few months - many of the items on the "most stressful things you can do" list. Finishing a degree, moving, getting divorced, moving again, starting a new job..... it's just that for us alanonics, seems like the real stress hits when the danger is past.
Yeah, that anexity of things going well can really paralize me. My thoughts and what if's start swirling and I can throw myself into a full blown panic attack.
My stradgey has been to counter this stinkin thinkin with "so what!" So what if I get fired, if I lose my home, if I run into ex (that's the BIGGEST one for me), if I see whomever it is I am scared of seeing.....so what! I have been through hell. I mean hell. I do not believe there is a place in the afterlife called hell, I believe it is right here on earth, I have been through it and I survived. I do NOT want to go back, I pray that I don't but I made it. So, let life throw at me it's worst and I can take it, I can handle it. I know because I already have.
You are a stong woman and to not simply enjoy today and what you have and the goodness is not doing a thing to prepare you for the "other shoe". Don't let your past rob your present. Who cares if the other shoe drops? Then you have a pair and you can walk away!
I have been looking at things about my anxiety too recently so I have enjoyed all the ideas in this thread.
I had been anxious about all the bad things that had been or were happening. Then as I got more al anon under my belt, I had tools that worked to handle many bad things which was encouraging and a quieter, more peaceful existance in my head if not in my physical environment.
So then I started to become anxious about more positive things which seemed backwards or opposite. Anxious when I stepped out of my isolation to volunteer or help with a church function etc. Everything in the end worked out so the more new good stuff I can do, the more confidence I rebuild and the less anxiety I have. I just might find some more peace after I reduce this anxiety of doing new things, good things, and happy things like you speak of the positive changes in your life plan.
The common denominator of either anxiety of bad things or good things seems to be fear........ first fear of pain but now more fear of unknown. And I am guessing here, but I think the unknown future we fear doesn't have the same percentage to end in pain because we now have some al anon tools and program knowledge.
I feel like I just understand how depressed, repressed, suppressed, oppressed I have been - much worse than I could believe. I also see how low my self worth, self esteem, self confidence fell - This was not who I was and it will one day not who I am again. '-pressed' in so many ways that I lost all my 'self-s'
I'm so thrilled to hear everything is peachy so hope you can enjoy it more than fear the unknown. I am trying too. I understand what you mean so much.
hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
thank you everyone. I got the names of some references for shrinks yesterday and made some calls. Today I am getting a massage (HOORAY!!!!!) and I am doing better. Thanks Jerry for the white board message about False Evidence Appearing Real, yeah, that is sooo true but also a tough one to really accept in the midst of the anxiety.
I know its all gonna be OK. I know I am exactly where my HP wants me to be. Things will change and that is good. I have had some good realizations again lately. After a really bad night I woke up feeling very good and went out running into the cold crisp "cuts like a knife" morning and it was nothing short of exhiliirating. I have so much to be grateful for. I am such a lucky gal in so many ways. Again, ACCEPTANCE is the answer to ALL my problems today, just like the AA saying goes (one of my favorites, thanks to RON in Honolulu)
I will keep you posted on the shrinking of my head, those of you who go to shrinks, stay tuned, too. I have been out for awhile (years) and in a way, it will be good to have the luxury of that again- paying someone to listen to me and give me professional feedback/PERSPECTIVE- ahhhh, like taking a long hot bath....hugs, J.
but I think the unknown future we fear doesn't have the same percentage to end in pain because we now have some al anon tools and program knowledge.