The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been three months since my ex ABF left our home. I have seen him about 4 times since then, for only about an hour or so, and we've only spoken about 8 times in our time apart. My last conversation with him last week led me to believe that he is really struggling but that he is finally making some changes for the better.
I miss him terribly. In my last post, I mentioned how I have been spending time with someone else, and while this has been fun and definitely helped me lighten up a bit, the fact remains that I am still in love with the A and I pray to God on a daily basis that he will be in recovery and able to come back to me and to us one day.
He sent me a message today to let me know that he was putting his part of the mortgage payment into the account. I just checked the account and it's there. This is the first time he's done this since he's been out of the house. Like I said, I think he's finally getting his act together, and I pray to God that he is able to keep it up (for his own health).
I am going to see him this week, but I don't know when. I should probably see him before I go to my F2F meeting tomorrow night. Then I will at least have a secure place to share my feelings.
I just wish I knew what would come of all of this. I love him--and apparently no matter how much he has hurt me or what has happened between us, I still feel this way. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Well, I just got off the phone with him. I am glad I called. First, I am sick again. This time, sinus infection and was just put on antibiotics today after a 21 day round of antibiotics for lymes. So I am really feeling sick of feeling sick! I'm 34--not 104--so why do I feel that way?
Our conversation was a good one. We are going to have dinner on Wednesday and the goal is to keep the conversation light. I am going to do my best to not cry--though that has been hard in the past! As soon as I hear his voice or see him, I tear up. I can't help it. I just miss him so much.
I told him that I miss him as much as I do, and he said he feels the same way. He said that he is really working hard to get healthy so that we can have everything we should have together. He said that he thinks a lot about me, our house, the dinners we used to have together (he loves to cook together), the times we shared, how he misses my family, our talks, etc. He said that he loves me still and that us being together right now would be the worst thing since he has to get healthy first. He said that everyone he has spoken to reminds him that if he is with me, all he'll do is take me down with him and he loves me too much to do that to me.
He told me to do whatever I have to, to get him out of my head. I told him that I have been working on that. I also told him that I am not always so weak. I have days of goodness and many moments of happiness. He thinks it might be better if we speak more often...that maybe then I would feel better and not get so emotional every time we speak.
I need some strategies for my time with him on Wednesday. I really want to be able to just hang out and not have things turn to serious talk. Any ideas???
It sounds like you have been making good progress on focusing on yourself and you need to keep doing just that. I was in a similar situation, I was so keen on having that one more chance/date with my Abf I totally took my eye off the ball and pretty soon found myself back to square one. It is so hard when you love someone, and we tend to remember all the happy loving times forgetting the stuff that really hurts. Get some boundaries in place before Wednesday, remember putting any expectations on the shoulders of someone who is sick is asking for trouble. Do what keeps you safe. I hope you find some answers and that you have a nice time. Make it about you your Worth it.
Yikes..... I guess my two cents would be for you to be wary of sharing too much of your feelings with him right now..... The "person" of him might care, but the "disease" that has a hold of him could quite easily manipulate this....
As far as the "keeping it light" goes, I would suggest that you are the healthy (healthier?) one, so you might want to set some boundaries, of subjects that you wish to be "off limits", at least for now.
Please remember that he hasn't apparently even fully chosen a path of recovery for himself, so he's desperate and wants reassurance that your love will always be there, and that is not likely something that you can promise at this point in time....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
