The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading the forum and absorbing pointers on how to deal with my alcoholic's behavior and my mine. I've been practicing detachment and getting projects done around the house. I hired my soon to be son-in-law to work on some projects around the house and barn that really needed to be. Such a relief to have those off my mind. My husband has been deer hunting and drinking with his buddies for eight days and leaves early in the morning and comes home drunk at night. I guess that nothing too different he drinks every night. I decided to speak with my children and explain that I was tired of doing all the housework by myself and lo and behold they helped me out today - it was great. I even grabbed my rosary and prayed to my HP for help.
But then I had a setback - my AH called and said he would be home at a certain time and grill for supper. I made food to go along with it and then he was 45 minutes late. (talking with his buddies at the bar) and ruined my attitude. I was angry and felt let down again........ I know I should never have high expectations of him when he says he going to be home at a certain time. But I did and felt like I got kicked in the stomach. Just went and did my horse chores and to visit my Mom. My H knew that I was upset - but I just couldn't bring myself to talk with him about it - I've done that so many times and nothing works. I also have a hard time communicating my feelings. Done that too many times with no results. I have a hard time accepting how selfish alcoholics can be. We have a beautiful family and nice home - why does he always have to be gone with his buddies. I know it's part of the disease but it's the part that I need to accept that I cannot change.
But I come here and I read what everyone has to write and I feel hope that I can continue to move forward. I know that there isn't a quick fix and it's a slow process. One step at a time.
I used to wait for my A too and get aggrivated. ..UNTIL, I decided that he wasn't going to control my mood. He never could really. It was all up to me. It's not like I really ever got used to him being late but I chose to just carry on with whatever was planned. He was always the grill guy. Well, when he was a no show was the grill girl :) I quit holding dinner and making everyone wait on him. We ate without him. If he wasn't home and chose to hang at the bar instead, so be it. He missed dinner. I've changed out the toilet parts, installed faucets and learned where the shut off valve for water is, laid laminate flooring in my dining room and hallway, sanded and polyurithaned what once were carpeted stairs, learned to miter cut with a miter saw and install floor moldng, lay tile, fixed my garage door opener, hooked up a gas dryer, leveled a large hill in my lawn and created a 3 tired rock garden (OK, my son helped with the boulders and digging). My point is if I would have waited on him none of that stuff would be done. I'd just be pi**ed off if I would have expected him to do it. I'd still be waiting..lol And still pi**ed.
I did get some satisfaction in proving to myself that I wasn't as needy as I thought I was and accomplished lots of things. There was also a twinge of satisfaction in showing him life and my happiness went on with or without him.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
We are not the priority no matter how nice the house and how great the kids are. The DISEASE is the priority and that is all they can do. I hear you. I went thru some family pictures last night and just thought the same thing. How could he (my AHsober) just walk out the door and leave this beautiful family and good things? How? The disease calls.
I am like Christy. I just learned to do things by myself. My mood still changes but I always have a back-up plan.
Hello slow , there is always a plan B and it certainly made my life alot easier , when making plans * supper* make your plans just don't plan the outcome ,husb is only doing what drinkers do - drink . Expectations are killers and always end up in resentments, Lower your expectations of people around u and u will feel much better. When I started to accept instead or expecting , I cannot change other people they are what they are and I can accept that or not . all I need to realize is that I cannot change what they do. When I get angry I am the only one who gets hurt , his drinking is not personal ,he just drinks . It dosent have to ruin your day , your attitude is also a choice .
Thanks to everyone who replied. It's comforting to know that someone is listening. I have a hard time with acceptance because to me it meant that it was giving up. But I can see where acceptance is a good thing and I can only change myself and not anyone else. When I remind myself of this and practice acceptance it's like a load has been lifted off of my shoulders.
