The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined this board last week, feeling like i had no one to turn to. I have been coming on daily and reading everyone's posts- they keep me going and i see more and more i'm not alone. Thank you sooo much everyone for sharing. I did get a chance to go to one meeting so far and hope to get to more soon! I had just moved to a new state and still getting settled in so i have been so busy- but very depressed and lost like i don't even care to go on.
The past 2 weeks since i've been here my ex has been calling every day either trying to convince me he's going to a.a. still and getting help- all at the same time he's slurring. Or he's calling me leaving threatening messages and said i better not disapear or change my number or i will not make it long- someone will be out for me. It's been up and down since i got away, scared, lonely, depressed not knowing what i should do. I went and spent the weekend with my family and decided to shut my phone off and enjoy myself and Mon. i would go to the police station to get a restraining order incase he did have plans of traveling almost 3000 miles just to hurt me, he said he would never allow anyone else to have me along with other nasty messages- even though that is the LAST thing i need right now! Knowing he's been drinking again and on drugs- in that state it scares the hell out of me!
I swear someone was looking out for me because as i was pulling out of my parents house which is 2 1/2 hours from mine i turned my phone on and listened to the messages. There was one from a girl stating that he had been arrested and is in Jail with her boyfriend and he can't get a hold of anyone and needed me to call her and leave a land line phone number so he could reach me. Another from him in a panic from jail saying to please call the girl and leave the info he doesn't know what to do (something i had already been through TWICE with him before) I drove home and thought about it. I wanted to just forget and do nothing but something inside pushed me to call her and find out what had happened. I know i don't want this drama anymore that is why i divorced him a year ago but part of me felt so sad for him. She didn't know his charges since she only had spoken to her boyfriend from jail for 5 mins. I ended up calling the Jail to find out and he got 3 violations for probation and a charge of possession of narcotics and drug parephenilia. He has been on probation for 5 years in Feb and due to be let off then for 4 dui's and a marijuana charge. He was going to start with a clean slate i can't believe he couldn't make it 3 more months to start his life over like he has always wanted. I have done everything possible to help him so has his mom and i feel so sad for him and he just got out of rehab a little over a month ago! With the past convictions he's going to have to serve the remaining time of 2 years in prison and then the 5 new charges he's facing. He's not bondable at all. He's going to have a very rough life in and out of jail now. I want to move on with my life and have to so i can be happy but how do i when now i think of him behind bars every day? I know this is the best thing because he won't be able to hurt himself or anyone else but it is very difficult to go on and not think about how hard it is on him. I don't even know where to start. My mind is so clouded right now. I have so much work to get done and can't function. i had hopes of him getting it together again and maybe he could come to ct. to start over. I feel like i should fly to Arizona but what the hell can i do? nothing! It's stupid i know but even when he gets sentenced i'm thinking i need to go visit to keep his spirits up or he will not make it. my family would die if they knew i was thinking this way but he has no one for support except the dealers and alcoholics- they aren't going to see him in prison that's for sure! I know he got himself into this mess but i still think of him as i once knew him and can't imagine that man being behind bars alone with no support or nothing- he won't make it. Last time i gave him 200. a month for 8 months for food and t.v. etc. spent 1000-1500 on phone bill a month for all the collect calls- i will not do that again but did think of getting a land line so he could call once a week or something not 3 times a day though! Any advice i would greatly appreciate it. I'm so lost and empty right now and very sad!
Welcome to MIP! You are not alone. You didn't cause, can't cure it, and can't control. Take care of you especially if you think there might be violence. This is a disease. He can find support for himself with his family and AA if he choses to particpate.
I have to agree with nancy. He will find whatever it is he needs. If he's ever going to beat his addictions it has to be up to him. He's a a grown man with choices and consequences and will have to fall w/o someone always sticking a pillow under his butt. That's the only way for them to hit bottom, to land and land hard. I understand your feelings but the reality is your support thus far hasn't seemed to have had much of an impact. For me, giving support to someone that has threatened my life would be out of the question, let alone making me feel like a willing doormat.
This is our disease hon. The fixers, the helpers, the codependents. We lose ourselves in their drama when we have so much of our own to repair.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My heart is breaking hearing what you are going through. I hear what he has put you through, and I hear what you are putting yourself through. There is a big difference between SIMPLE and EASY. What you need to do is SIMPLE. You need to go on with your life and start the healing process, but it is not going to be EASY. Ask yourself one question. "Has my support and actions up to now done anything to help him be the person he needs to be?" It is real apparent that it has NOT. You have put yourself in a position of being his savior, but you know you cant save him from himself or is addiction. He has put himself in the position he is in. Being able to call you once a week, or once a month is not going to help him. You say the only people that is there for him now are dealers and A's. Don't you see, that is his choice. HE put himself where he is. The only chance he has is to deal with the problems he has caused is to get the help he need. The years you have spent trying to help him has done NOTHING, except prolong your pain, and make you feel responsible for him. You have been a passenger in the out of control car he has been driving. You can not stop it, you can not control it. All you have been doing is allowing him to keep driving on the path HE has chosen and endangering yourself. You now have a change to get out of that car. GET OUT. You said you have went to a meeting and thats great. Now you need to go to alot more. Go every day if you can. Educated yourself on the desease that is tearing your life apart. Spend all the energy you can muster to start yourself along the path of recovery. It seems the only life you know is a life where he has had control of you. Time to take control of yourself. IF he decides he is going to become a better person, it is up to him and his Higher Power. YOU can not be that for him. YOU can not make him do it. YOU "being there for him" is only going to show him his minipulations are working. Take it one day at a time. TODAY, you are going to start the road to recovery. We are here for you. Face to face meetings are here for you. AA and Alanon books are here for you. AND your higher power is here for you. Get educated, accept help and you can live the life you deserve.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and insperation. He called me today from jail- they have a new program since the last time he was in called vconnect and they can call cell phones collect he got the first min. free and i ended up paying 10.00 and thats all and spoke to him. It was actually a good thing because i saw he's still in denial and lying about what had happened. I also spoke to his roommate who he had met in Rehab and was staying with for the past few days. He is still sober and had no clue about what was going on in his home until my ex got busted. WOW- the whole time was telling me he was in a.a. had a job things were great, it was the same ol. Stealing, smoking crack, drinking every night, selling dope, teling everyone i'm the crazy person again. You name it he did it and his roommate found a folder of addresses of homes and names who he thinks he was going to go rob with his new found friends! I can't even believe what kind of man he is and only getting worse now i'm in complete shock! My eyes are WIDE open now and done feeling sorry for this hardened criminal! I clearly do not know this man anymore nor do i ever want to again! I know the disease takes over to a point but the things he has done to people are just wrong and he should be punished for them all. I'm letting it all go now, i hope he does make a life for himself when he's free again some day and i'm trying not to be angry but damn it's hard to do! I just know i'm moving on from this and all his drama, problems and going to be happy come hell or high water! I'm sick of feeling sorry for this man and ruining every day of my life being miserable because of pain he's caused. Whew sorry had to let some steam out. I feel like a HUGE brick has been lifted off of me and i'm excited about what's to come next for me! Of course he blamed me too for being in jail because i moved away and left him there. Normally his words would get to me and i would feel bad like i did have a part- but not this time!!! Thank you everyone for being there to listen and i love reading everyone else's posts it keeps me going every day.
