I remember my 'new days'....they were riddled with confusion, frustration, anger and fear... 
some of those feelings are still with me... 
'acceptance' seemed easy when I found alanon 
accepting that my life was unmanageable was without a doubt.... 
accepting that 'something was drastically wrong in my marriage was without a doubt too... 
but I didn't know that alcohol consumption and its behaviors were truly the cause 
so I wholeheartedly 'grasped onto' this program in desperation and with hope to 'cure him'...and 'us'
I just knew that everything I was doing, was NOT doing and was trying to find resolutions to were NOT WORKING! 
step one for me was easy...I accepted with every bone and emotion in my body...
and my mind 
I FINALLY was beginning to understand WHAT was going on!! 
the three c's were a bit tougher for me to deal with...and sometimes still are today
depending on what "IT" is that is affecting me 
I did not cause the bulk of my A's behavior...for sure 
no one can cause someone to 'cheat'...or lie....or choose pot, sex and alcohol over bills, responsibilities and necessities 
so 'causing most of what was happening' seemed clear to me... 
it wasn't ME 
control? 
oh my....I tried...believe me, I tried 
I didn't cause it...but sure as hell I was going to try to control what HE was doing or NOT doing! 
and each thing I did...each sentence I said...had vehemence, anger and 'how could you?' behind it 
I would be damned to 'allow' this behavior 
but truly.... 
you cannot MAKE someone do something...anymore than you can make them NOT do something... 
there can be consequences.... 
but those consequences seemed to 'fall on deaf, seemingly uncaring ears' 
I was devestated 
so I slowly learned that no matter what was said/done...forced or nicely said...even crying when I said it...thinking my 'emotions' would make him feel guilty that he is hurting me 
and I slowly learned that not only could I NOT control anything that was happening in relation to alcohol consumption... 
I slowly learned that not only could I not cure it....but I was not 'big enough, strong enough, love him enough...or loud enough' to cure it 
it was deflating 
demoralizing 
deplorable 
and it destroyed my marriage 
I resent this disease in so many ways...I could not begin to count them!
BUT..through all the harbingers...I have learned that I am not alone 
I am not 'through learning' 
about ME...about US...about HIM...about the disease...about the WHY's 
because this program 'grants that to us' 
individually 
as we allow it 
as we need it 
as we want it 
and with loving arms to hold on to us each time we come in here...go to a face to face meeting.... 
even when we are alone....there are 'arms to catch us' 
IF we want it
it's such a relief to KNOW that I don't have to do it alone 
be alone when I learn/grow 
and all it took was for me....to be desperate 
wow 
a simple 'help solution'.... 
and its FREE! 
it has its ups and downs.... 
but those ups and downs allow me to see the whole scope.... 
the whole shabingle 
a little at a time 
and as that happens... 
I GROW a little bit at a time 
I couldn't 'give up' 
giving up would have allowed me to feel like 'IT/HE' WON
THAT in itself might be 'control' 
but it was a healthy control, in my eyes 
because it gave me the opportunity to recognize there is a 'solution' 
simple...but not easy
one day at a time 
because it gave me the opportunity to recognize there is a 'solution' 
simple...but not easy 
one day at a time
one share at a time
with all of you...and this program 
I am glad I found alanon
because without it.... 
I would have lost so much more 
and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that happened 
so you are 'stuck with me' 
lol 
thanks for listening all...so glad your here with me... 
with US 
we are ALL WORTH IT 
done

note of special permission from Lacewing to share on this message board her amazing share....
yes hun...you have my permission....anything for a newbie or a fellow member 
we ALL need each other..in SO many ways!