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I had an revelation today. I need to set some boundaries and learn how to detach and let others take care of themselves - but I don't know how to do it. It's Friday and I had a long day at work - found myself running errands to pick up supper, cat food and horse feed. My AH is now on his 8th day of deer hunting. He leaves the house at 6 in the morning and comes home late in the evening - after a day of being with his friends and drinking. I have two daughters (18 and 20 - both in school) I just wanted to sleep. Was told that laundry needed to be done and everyone was hungry and needed supper, my cats were yowling at me and the horses were standing at the fence whinnying. I then had to sit and listen to my inebriated husband preach and carry on about everything (he does this when he's drunk - I really try to tune him out - because it gets really old) I'm at my wits end. I know I have created alot of my own problems because I am a caretaker and want everyone to be happy. But how do I do it. I hate confrontation - I would just rather curl up in a ball and sleep - and just hope everything goes away. I think cowardly is the word for it. I know I am being taken advantage of -and I don't like it. But I need to stop the cycle - I'm doing exactly what my mother did. I just want to isolate myself which I know is not good. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Funny thing about boundaries. Before al-anon I thought setting a boundary was something I had to do to someone else. What I learned here was the only person I can really set a boundary on is myself.
I have always had a hard time for instance, telling someone no to just about anything they might ask of me. I would either go along with what was wanted, lie about why I couldn't do it, or just avoid the issue by avoiding a situation that was going to come up where I would be asked to do something I didn't want to. All of these responses left me with bad feelings. Resentment. Anger. Guilt. Even if I did manage to convey a no answer it was always given with a long winded, softening the blow explanation. Along comes al-anon and teaches me that no is a complete sentence.
Back to the boundary setting....I can't set a boundary on another person to say never ask another thing from me, I cannot, without duck tape, keep the words from coming out of their mouth! The boundary is mine to set that I will say no when I want to say no.
Boundaries can be tricky things. I always need to look at my motive for setting one...am I doing it for my good, or to try to make someone else do something I think is good for them or to change them. That kind of boundary seldom truly works in my opinion.
Change takes time too. It took me a while of knowing I could say no, before I could actually start doing it! And I don't do it perfectly and I am not inflexible with my boundary of saying no. Sometimes, I can still say yes. The boundary is not a wall for me. More like a drawbridge I can pull up when I want too.
A good boundary for me does not punish someone else but allows me the option of maintaining my serenity........and to get some rest once in a while!
thank you for pointing out the idea that I can think about boundaries for a while - that has got me thinking about different ways I can set them and act on them slowly. I need boundaries to keep my sanity and I realize I can' do it all myself. I ordered a book about boundaries. Take one step and one day at a time!
I guess we have to learn that alcoholism is very selfish and self centered. I have read that boundaries are a result of self esteem and self esteem comes from good boundaries. So the more we think of ourselves the better our boundaries are. I still am floored at how self centered my AHsober is. Oblivious of others needs.
The boundary is mine to set that I will say no when I want to say no.