The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi everyone....i am new to this, so, i hope this doesn't sound silly. my name is roxanne and i am 28 yrs old. my A is my husband and boy has he put me thru hell the past year or so. i'll start with my husband is more addicted to drugs, mainly meth and cocaine, than anything. but he does like his beer. and now that i look back at the past 10 years that we've been together, i see all kinds of addictions. he is currently in rehab. the second one this year. and i am at a point that i'm just sick and tired. hes lost job after job and so we opened a business almost 2 yrs ago and he started hanging out with a much rougher crowd than he did in the past, and he started not coming home til late at nite. and eventually he got a really good job and we decided that i would also help with our business since now we would both have a full time job. then all of a sudden he lost his job and just went crazy. he stopped coming home at all, said that he was dealing drugs for money so we could pay bills. but i never saw any money or him. and no i didn't agree with him selling drugs at all. (during the first 4 years of our marriage he was in jail for some drug related charges he had gotten before we even started dating. i should have seen it then, right?!) i knew that selling would end him up back in jail. he tried to od on some sleeping pills because he says that he'd been on the meth and hadn't slept in a month and just wanted to go to sleep. i took him to the hospital and they put him in a psychiatric hospital for 3 days bc he convinced them that we had been seperated and he was distraught over that and thats why he tried to kill himself. WHATEVER!! a week later, after two days of trying to find him and finally found him with another girl, he confessed that he was addicted to meth. so i found a rehab that day. he stayed 28 days and come home a changed person. or so i thought. i tried so hard to forgive him for all the lies, the 3 girlfriends, all the stolen money. and i kinda put all that in a lil box inside me and tried to move on..all i wanted was to be happy with my husband. and a week later he was back to the same ole thing...lieing about where he was, who he was with and where money was going. so for another month, he was in and out. he'd disappear for a week, and after he ran out of money, hed call me to come pick him up and i would. and hed detox for a couple of days, then back to the same old thing. til it was our anniversary and he was no where to be found. my father in law actually wanted me to get a restraining order against him, the whole family was worried that he would hurt me or my kids. now he is back in rehab. has been for about 65 days now. or well, we think he is. hes living 2 hours away from us, supposedly in a halfway house. and i say supposedly, because the one we put him in kicked him out, said that he was back to using and selling. and i found out he has another girlfriend that he says is just a friend. i just don't know what to do anymore. i hope and pray everyday for my kids sake that he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. but, he doesn't even call to check on us. he says he loves us (me & kids) but i'm feeling like we are more of a family of convience for him. i pay his bills and my bills and our bills and take care of the kids on my own. i just don't know what to do. i finally told myself that i needed to do this, al-anon, for me. so i can be happy again. whether its with him or someone else, or just me alone. i just need help. help figuring out where i need to start. i've been going to meetings in the chat room at nite..and they are helping, but i don't know where i need to start on myself and how and what books i can read. please, someone just help me.
Hello Roxanne. I am new to this also and you are the first person that I have replied to. I have a brother who is my A. and He also is addicted to meth for the last 11 years he has been in jail over 100 times. To make a long story short i have gone 4 times to a face to face meeting and it has helped me to see more clear. First they have to want to change whatever we do does not matter. In my opinion and I could be totally wrong. You need to get you and your kids as far away from that man as possible. He is not a good influence on them and God only knows you dont want any patterns to be repeated with them. God bless you I will be praying for you. Please take care of yourself and those kids.
By all reflections I get from reading your post I would say that you are qualified for the Al-Anon Family Groups and just haven't found the door and your seat yet. It's good you found this site and the love and support that is yours as you want it. You are not alone and never have been. The program is here for you and like the alcoholic/addict that you are married to you must want what we have and be willing to do what is suggested in order to get it. You will find no whip crackers here. We will share our experiences, strengths and hopes with you and then it's your turn.
I have never ever seen as cunning, powerful and baffling a disease as alcoholism and drug addiction. I was born into it, married into it to keep it going (several times) and was assessed as alcoholic 9 years after being alcohol free and a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
I said the very samething as you just did when I really got here for me... "could you please help me?" I was desperate. My spirit was dead and I was looking for a quiet place for me to lay down and just die myself. Whom ever I asked for help did help and they told me that if what they gave me didn't help me...continue to ask others, and I did over and over and over until I could stand up by myself without holding on to someone else for support all the tiime. The old timers in the program really did love me until I learned to love myself so much that I could make healthy decisions about my life and my life with an alcoholic in it. I took no action other than a long separation from my alcoholic until I worked my program on myself and was making good, consistent decisions for myself. I took the suggestions...when to meetings daily in the first 90 days. Got and read all the literature on the disease of alcoholism as I could get my hands on and purchased some daily readers. I shopped around for a sponsor and started working the steps out side of the group with my sponsor rather than just working them inside of the larger group. I read, understood and worked the traditions because I was now a member of a large group and my individual behaviors and character needed to be supportive rather than just self centered. There was and is much more and the more I went, listened and learned the better my program worked and the better my life got. Today the most constant feeling and attitude I carry with me is gratitude. I am so grateful I was married to the alcoholic. Without that experience...all of it...I might never had found the door to the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and most likely would not be alive to share this with you.
There are differences in our experiences. It's the similarities that bind us together. I suggest you find the hotline number to Al-Anon in the white pages of your phone book and call that number. Check for the meetings; places and times, in your area and follow thru on the desire to attend. You will feel welcomed and loved on your very first meeting. Feeling loved, for me, was one of the things I wanted from the alcoholic so much and I ended up getting it and more from strangers who turned out to be family. So awesome.
So from, Jerry F; a grateful member of the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups who's home groups is the Wednesday Night Turning Point Al-Anon Family Groups in Hilo, Hawaii on the the Big Island which meets as 6 pm on ...of course Wednesday Night; Welcome. Keep coming back and have some (((((hugs)))))
You are in the right place. Get to a face to face meeting and please know you are not alone. I have gone thru something very, very similar. Your life will get better.
I hope you see that everything you have done in the past 10 years hasn't worked to change him. That is the first thing I learned here (already knew it, but needed this wonderful place to help me see it). YOU can't change him. BUT you can change the way you will deal with him. He probably knows exactly how to push your buttons, and get you to respond the way you always have. He makes promises and pleads for "one more chance". Why should he change what has worked for him for so many years? IF you decide your going to stop the madness and change the way you deal with him, he is going to probably try to find new buttons to push. Taking control of your life isn't going to be easy. It's a hard road, but look at hard the road has been for you over the past 10 years. If you look at the upper left corner of this page you will see links to books that might be of some help. If you can get to some face to face meetings, they will also be able to guide you to reading material. The more educated you can get on this crazy deases the better you will be able to cope. Please make sure you and your children are physically safe. Change the locks, make sure the windows are locked, try to remember any ways he knows how to get in your home.
We are all here for you, please use this place and face to face meetings to help you through this journey to recovery. There are lots of us traveling the same path.
