The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started out feeling strong. Detached with love from the drama of my AH, managing to care for him in his illness, yet not losing it because he is still drinking. Keeping my sanity and not contributing to a "crazy house".
Yet, my serenity took a beating on Wednesday evening when my AH woke up, decided he didn't like me sleeping in another room and began raging at me. Screaming at me to get out, shoving me and pushing me, demanding I take off my shoes, not letting me take my car keys or my purse, and pushing me out onto the street. Then just as quickly saying, "I'm sorry, come back inside".
All through the night I tried to make contact with my HP - to give me guidance. HP told me that I'm not safe, he's getting worse and in a psychosis and I should make plans to leave. I've been checking out places I could go to that have furniture, would take me, my son and a cat. Then I remember my financial situation, the fear of more debt. HP says that it will be OK - you have a good job, you're resourceful, optimistic and persistent and you can make it.
Then I worry that AH might stop taking his medicine and have another seizure, more medical consequences....who knows. This one gives me great pause. To leave when I know from past experience (many times over) that he will spiral downwards makes me feel guilty for the outcome. Like I caused his ill-health somehow. But HP says that he is already spiralling downwards, my choice to stay or go will have no effect.
Why you ask? Why do you hesitate? Because you love him, you made a commitment, you are dealing with all this without being drunk. You are sober and dealing with life on life's terms and it isn't easy. It is never an easy choice to do what is best for ourselves especially when there are real, sad consequences.
It is ok to be hesitant. And it is right and good to take care of yourself. Stay safe.
Aloha Rocky...be grateful for the progress you have already made and when I reached the point when I could hear and understand my HP's voice I knew that not only I was being taken care of and that of the alcoholic was also. I had to change my will and follow the will of my HP not the alcoholics. Dang where did I ever learn to follow the fluid, insane will of my alcoholic.
I came to understand that while I was saying that I was powerless, I wasn't always acting that way and often times I was trying to take it all back and finish it up real nice before leaving. Like not leaving till the job was done. In alcoholism/enabling the job is never done. I would try to surrender her and everything about her and then snatch her back. There was no faith in my HP in that. HP never had a chance to work a miracle for her because I kept her to myself and out of the way of HP. I did learn and I did learn to let her go without reservation, critiquing my HP and checking up to see how she and He were doing. Once I let go and let God for good I stopped looking over my shoulder to see if the alcoholic and maybe God was trying to call me back. It never happened. I went on with my life and knew nothing about that. I had always lived for others. I was lost, afraid, confused, in withdrawals and dumb as a stick and I was in Al-Anon with a chance.
I learned a new definition for faith in the program and that it wasn't "believing without seeing" but "relying without reservation".
Keep coming back Rocky. You're doing good. It's still early so keep practicing and an open mind as you listen, learn and practice.
I am so sad this happened to you. This is exactly what makes me always invite people to please have an emergency case outside with keys, cloths, money, phone numbers etc.
When someone treats another like this, homicide can happen so easily.
In my experience, what makes people stay is, they have not been beaten up enough yet.
At some point people get a light bulb moment and realize they are NOT going to take this another second and have no regrets, and do not look back.
What happens when it is your child or cat or friend he attacks?
Alanon is very clear about we learn to take care of ourselves. Not giving the insanity any more energy.
One thing that really got me was the A pulls us down into their dark pit. It is up to us to climb back out and not allow it to pull us back in. That affected me, and another one when I was heavy with HIS disease was,Drop the rock.
Let it go.
It is insanity, there is no answer for insanity.
In order to get answers you may want to find help for domestic abuse. A support group to educate you. This has nothing to do with being an A.
I'm sorry you are going thru this right now. Decisions to change are scary. Throw in all the other variables and it always felt overwhelming to me. Just my humble opinion, coming from a place of love ..... your situation sounds potentially dangerous. You have every right to take care of yourself first, remember the oxygen masks on airplanes? By putting your own on first you are actually in a better posistion to help someone else in the long run.
One suggestion that helped me, keep a little money, spare set of keys, even a change of clothes somewhere close by the house. Hidden outside or at a neighbors maybe just in case you need to walk out fast.
As to the why, it is natural to care for someone, to want to help them, to want to do good. Where my problem always reared up with what my therapist called a high tolerance of pain also known as in my words "I can forgive anything". My AXH is diabetic and has a habit of vomiting while sleeping .... I woke him many times, I had a huge fear of him chokingin his sleep and not taking care of himself with the diabetes when I left. He's just fine, nothing has changed. And now I am working on forgiving myself for breaking that bond I took so seriously, not caring for myself enough to go sooner, and the fact that I forgave so much to others but am still so hard on myself.
Just my ramblings ... I hope you have your serenity and peace back and get to keep it. Take care (((Rocky)))
I am thinking of you at this time also. I am separated 3 wks from my Ah. He is having major surgery next Wed. This is the 3rd surgery of 4 that he will have. I stayed in our marriage for a long time past feeling like I should go, on acct of his health and the knowledge of his upcoming surgeries and wanting to be there for him. See him through it all, to know he's okay, before I can move on without the angst of worrying about his health. I've continued to watch him deteriorate. In the process of staying with him, we both endured an extra year of chaos, and I was sinking further and further down myself. I love my Ah, but the time is now for ME. What he does with his life, the choices he makes, the outcomes he produces for himself, those are up to him, likewise for me. That is now what helps me move on without the angst of worrying about his health. I pray for him. I ask that he be cared for and come through his surgeries safely, wrapped in love and light. But, I will not be there. It hurts me to think of it that way, because I did marry him with a committment of better or worse, in sickness and in health. So I acknowledge that hurt and move forward.
Thanks everyone.Your encouragement and ESH are very helpful to me. I have packed a safety bag and have been praying for the courage to put myself and my son first.The situation has calmed but my awareness and acceptance are still with me.I know that I am so codependant that contemplating this action makes me feel sick in my stomach.I guess this is my addiction.
