The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am again, with things changing all the time. I think I am handling this lastest situation the right way, but could use some input. Background: ABF left about a month ago because I was such a "nag" and because I had pulled away from him physically and emotionally. (he is right, I had pulled away. I just lost all abilty to continue to cope with him). I went a little nuts for a few weeks and then found this wonderful place. I learned so much and started taking control of my life, and stopped trying to control his. We started being able to talk and connect again in a sober caring way. He has his own place now, and knows where my limits are. I told him Al-anon was a God sent, and he is seeing me work hard to make myself a more whole person. He says he is very proud of me for finding the help I need. OK. Last night he called me. In tears (not drinking, hasn't for two weeks). He said he decided to take a lession from me and start looking inside of himself to try to figure out what was really at the root of his behavior. He said he figured out "Nothing makes me happy. I can't remember what joy feels like. I push everyone away, and use booze, not to find happiness, but to try to escape my demons". He said he didn't know were to go next, or what to do. He asked me if I could help him find someplace where he could turn. He wants to know if his drinking causes his depression, or if the depression causes the drinking. He says he has tried AA before, and it didn't seem to answer his questions. I went on the computer today and starting searching for something I could offer him. WHAT LUCK! I found that a college close by has a mental health research group and clinic. I printed out a few pages of questions to ask yourself, phone numbers to call, and a short description of what to expect in treatment. There was even a page on how men use booze to try to cope, and how it just makes everything even worse. It says that treating depression ALONG with a drinking problem is a must. IF he calls again I will tell him about what I have found, and let him come over to pick it up. I will NOT try to tell him how or if he should use the material. I will NOT "nag" him about what I think he should do. I will just offer the information he requested and tell him to "take what might work for him, and leave the rest". If he decides to try this clinic. I will offer support in his journey to recovery, but will NOT take any responsibility for it. The clinic statement said that if there were loved ones willing to come to the first appt., it would be helpful. I will offer to go with him if he would like, but I will NOT push it. I will NOT make that appt. for him either. I will also have to try to NOT be too disappointed if he just says "this isn't for me". My only answer to that can be. "I did what you asked me to do. I am sorry if it isn't what you want or need. I hope you don't stop looking for the help you need but I can't be responsible for your happiness. I can only be responsible for my own". Any comments, or suggestions would be greatly welcomed. I have come to rely on everyones wisdom and honestly.
Sounds to me like you're RIGHT on track, well done. (Provided that you really wanted to do the internet searching yourself - hehe.)
Just a thought - sometimes AA doesn't answer questions because the asker isn't ready to hear them. Maybe the asker "tried" a meeting or two without finding a good match - sorry, that's not honestly trying the program out. Or maybe the asker went to many meetings, but never asked for or got a sponsor. Again - and just as in alanon - that's talking the talk without walking the walk.
My own primary A "tried" AA a couple of times one year & came home saying "I'm not like those guys". 6 months later he lost his job & got in an accident, dui, where someone was injured, thankfully not seriously. Praise be, he then got serious about AA; eventually I started hearing, "some of those guys are so much worse off than I am." The only thing that changed was where his head was.
Thinkstomuch I agree completely. When I asked him about AA. He started it with "its not for me", to which I asked did you go because you wanted to or was it court ordered. He didn't answer, so I knew what the answer was. COURT ORDERED. Later he said he had tried it on his own, but I seriously don't believe him, or if he did, he went expecting a quick fix. I realized that I couldn't push AA on him. He has to go because it is what he wants. But i do know that he suffers from depression. I am even more sure now that I have read more about it. The reason I think this clinic might be good for him is because it sounds like they will offer help with his depression AND drinking. It wouldn't suprise me if they tell him AA is the way to go, or something very close to it. And to why I did the research. I love sitting here "finding stuff". I can sit for hours doing it. He can't stand it. His mail box is always full. There are lots of things he's good at, but the computer is NOT one of them.
thanks for your imput....... you have no idea how much it helps
AA works for everyone if they want it to , but no matter what way he chooses to recover really dosent matter , what matters is that he recovers . Keep going to your meetings and take care of you . You cannot answer his questions and look for answers for them , only he knows what he needs , if your not careful u will be taking on responsiblity for his sobriety like u took on trying to make him stop drinking . this is his recovery leave it with him where it belongs , If I have learned nothing in my many yrs here I have learned that if I interfere whith what an alcoholic has to do for himself , I am only going to make it worse . I can support thier efforts at sobriety best when I am minding my own business. Depression is common with alcoholism and does it really matter which comes first ? what matters is that when he drinks it causes problems. period.
