The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Over a year ago before I started al anon my emotions were just numb to avoid anymore pain. Early on in the program I started hearing about co dependency which I had just as strong denial for as I did re AH. I have a very judgemental & opininated MIL who was a child psych/school counselor who labeled me co dependent maybe? 20 yrs ago in a very negative accusatory way so I never wanted to accept that. I may have had tendencies toward co dependency then but not the full blown out of control Co De that I developed these past 8 years of chaos.
So painfully I have made great gains in accepting my codependency and reading a book makes me often relate to a lot - yes that is it exactly! But still I hate that I am codependent!! I feel like we all have triggers to medical, mental or emotional illness that due to stress and difficult life experiences is set off and becomes the battle and growth for each of us. These are lessons I need to learn..... darn it!
For instance: "Codependents are oppressed, depressed and repressed" (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) oh yeah, that is me! At first, unbelievable because I didn't start out like this but as A increased, children had emotional/mental health concerns and I also got very sick. As I try to get better, I also am more aware how sick I've been which at first is very sad and then just an eye opener with lots of gratitude for al anon & this MIP family.
I used to easily have groups of teens around all the time when my two college kids now were in high school. I am a co leader for a confirmation group of 15 yr olds now with another son. The meeting went better than any last year and it was easy for me to prepare my part but the anxiety before the meeting needed me to focus on myself completly to manage the anxiety. I did fine but afterwards, I was still anxious & wanted to know the time was used well & valuable to others. My self confidence, self esteem etc is so so low and finally being aware how sick I am was a bit overwhelming.
I know now why I isolate & why it is so hard for me to participate with life - these anxious feelings and poor self worth go on to make me physically sick with digestive issures like IBS. The other co leader remarked that I had spent a lot of time in preparation - I believe this was meant as appreciation but sick as I am, I question to my self, does it look like I was trying to achieve perfection? It is just my knack and I use to be able to wing these things so it takes me no time to prepare really. crazy, sick me accepting all feedback as critical but trying to re learn and get healthy again. phew
I also know why it is so important for me to keep trying to participate with life so as I have good results little by little, I will believe in myself and strengthen all those things I've lost in this horrible family disease like self worth, self confidence and self esteen. I know I gave up my life (like my own time & interests) or gave myself away trying to care for everyone but I didn't truely see how I gave up this essence of myself until now.
Instead of shame & guilt about my inadequacies, I now feel humbled and grateful to al anon for the progress I am making and hope to make. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Your post made me think of my life with my AHsober. He use to say I was crazy and blame me. Now that I look back, he has to take part of the blame because I lived with him. Crazymaking. I notice that I isolate too. Take care of others before myself. But I am getting better as you are. It is ok to be codependent. I hear it is immaturity. We didn't have a chance to grow-up.
Thank you for posting this. I was thinking about anxiety, self esteem and confidence issues within myself last week ... I just could not get a grasp on what thoughts are in there somewhere fighting to get out. I set it aside and am glad to be reminded of a topic I need some meditation time on. It's wonderful to feel these qualities coming back, and finding I can handle crits much better. It's a slow process.
5 years or so ago I had a light bulb moment ... I had given my now AXH an anniversary card, it said on it something about to a husband from a wife and I did not have a pen so I did not sign it. When he opened it .. all I heard was "You did not sign it? I can't believe you did not even sign the card" I felt horrible for months, then one day still dwelling on this a light bulb .... he never even said Happy Anniversary or gave a card or anything. That is one of the moments I saw how sick I really was. <shaking head> I remind myself of this story often, it's a good way of keeping the right knd of focus on myself, healthy focus.
