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Hello: This is my first post. I've been to al-anon meetings twice. I've been married for 33 years and just under two months ago I finally left him. I couldn't stand the stress, tension and his drinking any longer. Now he's given up the whiskey but continues to drink beer. He wants me to come home. I know he loves me and cares for me. I've been going through alot of emotional swings in the past couple of weeks and the doctor has me on lorazepam to help me get through it. I've only taken two as I don't want to end up depending on pills. My thought process is so disjointed I don't feel I'm capable of making a sound decision....and I feel like everyone is pressuring me for answers I don't have. Two days ago I was a mushy mess and this morning I feel mushy and angry. I keep asking my husband for time...I've even told him to stop calling me and for him to stop coming over....for his sake if for nothing esle because he's an emotional mess as well. But, he calls several times a day. He says he misses me and can't see a future without me in it, and he says he's really worried about me. I think I know deep down inside that I don't want to go back and live with him still drinking. I don't think I could even go back if he quit everything because I don't trust that it would last. I wish there was an answer. I've been reading and searching for answers but I just seem to get more confused. The only time I feel good is when I'm at the al-anon meetings. Everything is so messed up. I'm thinking now that I may be codependant. I really care about my husband. I don't want to see him hurt in this either. Will my staying away push him over the edge? I'd love for things to be the way they were, but.... Can you go back and learn to live with an alcoholic? And be happy? Sorry to be so disjointed, but that's the way my head is now. I'd like to be able to go into seculsion....but even then....can't get away from my head. Thanks for reading my post. Am looking forward to any thoughts any of you might offer.
I am glad you found Al-Anon and feel so comfortable in the meetings. You say you want ur AH to give you time. Take the time that you need, you don't need his permission. If you want a few days of not talking to him, don't answer the phone. It is okay to get some "head space" or yourself. Give yourself a chance. Don't think about making any rash or life altering decisions.
My opinion is, if you feel good and comfortable in mtgs more than anywhere else right now, then go to lots of meetings. Listen, share, be there one day at a time (one minute at a time), focus on the present moment and learn to focus on you. You are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hello, I'm glad you found Al Anon and MIP. We are allowed all the time we need to make important decisions. It's wonderful you feel at peace at meetings, there is no better place to gather information, find comfort, feel safe and find our balance. Keep taking care of yourself!
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. Keep going to your f2f meetings. Things will gradually become more clear to you. Answers will come thru reading the literature too. I have been married over 30 years. He left. He hasn't drank in over 20 years but the patterns are the same. Alot of it is the disease talking. Find the "Getting Them Sober" books. It will clarify alot for you; at least it showed me where the patterns are. If one of us didn't get into a program, then we were doomed to repeat the same sick cycle. I am in this 12 step Alanon program and it has helped so much. I won't guarantee that my marriage will survive but I am getting better.
This is a great resource. I also dealt with a former boyfriend who called several times a day. I stopped answering the phone. I let it come to that. I stopped answering. I would protest and protest and he didn't acknowledge the boundary so I held it.
PLEASE stop being so hard on yourself. Of course your going to be confused and "disjointed". You have been with your AH for 33 YEARS! AND of course he is going to be confused, he has been with you for that same lenght of time. He is probably use to the way you have handled his drinking all these years and NOW you want to change things. Change is so very hard for you and him. I see you have so many questions, and no answers yet. I am sure you will probably come up with even more questions. You said you have been to two meetings. Thats a great start, but it is only a start. Keep going to the meetings, every one you can. You feel safe and warm there, GREAT! As you move along the path of healing yourself, some answers will come. Get as much literature as you can. Read as much as you can on the desease, and on how that desease effects those around it. Educate yourself on as many aspects of it as you can. There is great strenght in knowledge.
You are on the path of recovery and I hope it is easier knowing that there are many on the same path to help each other along the way.
Congratulations to you for seeking out what is best for you - regardless to which path that may - you have taken those steps thru reaching out here at MIP and thru your meetings to find out what is best for YOU. That is awesome.
Please remember - You are worth it & deserve to live Happy, Joyous and Free - whatever you and your HP (higher power) decide is best for you.
One Day at a Time - sometimes even one hour at a time is how I have had to take my steps in recovery - learning I have choices and can make decisions when I'm ready - not when others want me to make them.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm trying to keep busy today to keep my mind off of my troubles but I find myself back here seeking answers. I am trying to hold on until Sunday at which time we're supposed to go see a councelor. We were supposed to see him last Sunday, but I ended up going by myself due to miscommunication...or so I'm told. I've also contacted a psycotherapist but she's unavailable until the first week of December. I'll keep going to al-anon meanwhile. I know I have to work on myself but it's so hard when I'm having trouble letting go of the worry about him. My daughter keeps telling me that he's a big boy and that it's about time he learn to look after himself. I think that alot of it is that I gained my value and self worth in looking after our household and him. Financial problems figure into the equation as well. I've been dependent on him for so long and I don't know if there's a job out there that I'd be qualified for. I'm 55 years old with carpel tunnel and arthritis in my right hand.....boy do I sound like " woe is me"....sorry about that. I just feel sometimes that the financial part is like a part that may cause me to have to go back and I don't want to be forced into doing it for that reason. I'll call social assisstance first. I've applied for cleaning jobs but haven't heard anything back yet. Maybe patience should be my first lesson to learn... Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and for your much appreciated responses.
Now he's given up the whiskey but continues to drink beer. He wants me to come home.
Hi, and welcome to MIP...I highlighted the one comment from your post that jumped out at me..... many/most active alcoholics, in my experience, strive to do the BARE minimum so that they can carry on in their muck, and hopefully keep you right there with them..... in his alcoholic brain, he's likely thinking it is quite an accomplishment that he has given up the whiskey, and probably thinks that you (and others) should now nominate him for some sort of humanitarian award (tongue firmly in cheek!).
What you are going through is very tough, and I'd just like to encourage you to spend some real time with yourself, educate yourself, and figure out what is the best for you.... Having a "needy alcoholic" is very trying for any of us. Sounds to me like you are on the right track, for wanting to break the chain..... Time to take care of you, and he may or may not come along for the ride, by choosing sobriety..... Either way, you are further ahead, for growing and choosing recovery for yourself.
"he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
welcome , don't know where u live but if there are 7 meetings a week , get to them all , it will help clear your head , sitting and thinking alone is not a good thing , hehe trust me . been there done that . Your out of the home now so lots of time to work on yourself for a few weeks til u can focus on your own needs for a change . . I agree with canadian guy , alcohol is alcohol regardless of wether it's beer or liquor ,nothing has changed , and to answer your question it is possible to be happy living with an alcoholic still drinking , Yes it is . In our program u wil learn to set boundaries for your relationship ,to gain respect for yourself and take better care of yourself emotionally and physically . we learn to detach from thier behavior not go down with them and allow them the dignity to grow up and take responsibility for thier own stuff .if were not there to keep saving them they will be forced to grow up . by not there I mean , we don't believe the lies , we don't make excuses for thier crappy behaivor , we do't cover up for them anymore ,we don't protect them from themselves . I was told to step aside so god could get at him . U are not the reason he drinks I hope u know that . please go as many meetings as possible make new friends and get yur life back on track . Your worth it .
I just read your post Pam and that is exactly how I feel after just a year..I cant even imagin 33years..I keep going back and forth wanting to give my husband a chance and then wanting to leave him. He keeps saying, he will do anything..he says he cant promise it will never happen again because it probably will. But I think you have made the right choice leaving. Lots of luck
