The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so this is the hardest day ever, i am 18 weeks pregnant with a boy, am a proud mother of a 2.5 year old boy, and have been married to their father, a recovering alcoholic for three years (he's been in AA for 7 years.) we have been having major marital difficulties for the last year and a half. it's me with the complaints - i don't like the way he handles financials (hasn't brought in income for two years since starting own business), i am frustrated by his lax housekeeping, his volatile temperament, his unpredictable mood swings, his unreliable style... i have felt for a long time that i was mothering another child which killed the last of our intimacy. it hasn't felt like a true partnership on equal grounds since he gave up his steady job to pursue his dream of becoming a film director.
well, my complaints have not gone unheard. he tells me that his most memorable quote from me was from one year ago when i told him, "you are a failure as a husband." ouch, pretty harsh. but that was my truth at the time. now, he has decided he can't take the pain of not being able to please me anymore and has moved out. he says he is "defeated" and unable to keep up the fight, he wants a life of peace and normalcy. i waver back and forth between feeling like i've caused a great deal of this and feeling justified in my not-so-extravagant wants and needs. i feel a great deal of pain as well as i feel he has abandoned our family in a most vulnerable time. he still wants to spend consistent time with my son, and he is for the most part a very good daddy, but i feel like my life and household has been ripped apart as i wait for another baby to arrive.
i don't want him arriving into chaos and pain, and i have 5 months to turn things around for myself.
i've never seriously pursued al-anon before (except to attend a few meetings to find more fodder for blaming things on him) but now i feel humble and broken enough to really begin a 12-step journey just for me. i attended a meeting tonight and asked for a sponsor. i hope to begin tomorrow but am looking for experience, strength or hope from any of you who can share some of yours. god bless.
Am so glad u started Al-Anon again , u will find what u need here . this separation may be good for both of you , will give u time to work on yourself and allow him to do the same . * and it's not over til its over * think of it as a separation . The alcoholic is not the only one that has to change we both do our prog wil show u how to do that , and you can apologize for your part in the problem . We have a part in this mess like it or not .My husb and I separated for 6 months it was the best thing he could do for us ,he found out that home was where he wanted to be and I found out that I was going to be ok with out him. There is always hope . and your right u need some sanity in your life for your sons sake and the new baby expected soon . I understand the need to hurt I wanted my husb to hurt like I did what I didn't realize was that he was hurting alot more than I could have imagined . together or not he will be in your life for the rest of your life because of the babies , you will learn here how to have a relationship with him with out the resentments . Take care of you .
Abby hit the nail on the head, as usual! Can't think of anything more to add except glad you are here. Come often, we welcome you. Good for you for getting to meetings and getting a sponsor!
A film director? I hope he discovers that dreams are great, but dreams dont pay the bills. I understand the stress you must be under. Abby put alot of wisdom in a short answer. I have nothing to add but I just wanted to tell you a little about me. Al-anon has been teaching me about control. What I can control, and what I can't. I am learning how much easier life is sense I have stopped trying to control "him". I am working on ME, and it feels wonderful. It is also a little scary (no, alot) to try to change my behavior at my core. I'm not very good at giving up my controling behavior. It's been hard, but I am seeing the person I want to be. It is even starting to feel like I can get there now with the help of the wonderful people here and at face to face meetings
Welcome to the path of recovery. You are not alone. There are many on this road, helping each other, along the way
thanks to everyone who is chiming in. i'm very grateful to you for sharing. i attended another meeting this morning and am starting to feel the beginnings of real peace for the first time in a long time. : )
