The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in quite some time. Things are both good and confusing for me right now. I am currently waiting for my phone to ring. The ex ABF called me earlier, I called him back and he was on his way into a meeting, so he said he'd call me back when he gets out.
I emailed him bc I want to start the process of having his name removed from the deed on the house and the mortgage. Instead of emailing me back, he called. In the brief moment we spoke before his meeting, he said he'd be local tomorrow and asked if I wanted to get together. I instantly started to cry and said "I don't know what I want anymore." He told me to calm down, take some breaths, and that he would call me after the meeting.
Here's what he doesn't know: I've started seeing someone else. It's actually an ex-boyfriend who I dated before the A. We never lost touch entirely, and we started talking again about two months ago, shortly after the A moved out. We've been "dating" for a couple of weeks now. I love being around him and we have such a great time together. We always did--when things ended it was bc I was emotionally unavailable to him. He broke up with me, which I know was very hard for him to do since he felt so strongly about me. Shortly after, I met the A, who I completely fell for and was suddenly very able to give my emotions to!
Long story short, the A does not know about the ex being back in my life, nor do I want him to know right now. What do I have the right to know about the A? I don't know what to say to him when we speak anymore. I want to see him, but I don't know why. What good will that do, and do I owe him honesty about my seeing the ex?
(((hopeful123))) I'm sorry for your situation. I can't really give advice on this. But take care of yourself and do what you feel is best for you. I've realized my life is no one elses business and people don't need to know anything I don't want them to know. Trust your gut and do what you feel is right for you and not anyone else. I know it's hard when we want to see someone I've felt the same way as well.
I am glad you found someone that you care about. I also see why your confussed. It sounds like you need to see him to get the papers started to get his name off these very important papers. IF this meeting is "business", then it might be a good idea to keep it "business". Its ok to want to know he is doing well. He was in your life a long time, and you probably want to know that he is going on with his life in a health way. We all go through the "what if" thing. Maybe it's time to look at "what is". Do I think you need to tell him your seeing someone? Only you can know the answer to that one. Maybe you can look at why you want to tell him. If the two of you are over, your life is your own, no need to explain anything.
If I were you I would get the business finished before ever offering any information about your personal life.
There is a reason you are ambivalent about sharing to your ex ab. You may not know what it is right now. So what would make you want to act on anything yet?
I used to want answers for everything. Then realized there weren't always answers to what made me feel this or that. I still love my ah. Quit asking myself how come, I just do.
Am very happy for you finding some peace with your friend.
"Do what's best for you" sounds fine unless you don't KNOW what's best for you. Then the sentence becomes trite and meaningless. Whenever I come up against making a decision, I always ask myself, "Does doing this or saying this serve any good purpose?" If I cannot answer, "yes," I keep my actions in check and my mouth shut.
If I were you...this is not advice...just if I were you...I would not share my personal life with exAbf. What you do and who you see is entirely your business, and no good purpose can be served by sharing this information with the A. Don't worry. Enjoy yourself. Stick to business.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:24, 2008-11-12
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I find myself always..even years later...feeling emotional and confused when having to encounter my exA BF. That was the nature of our timed together...extremely mixed emotions....confusing...all intense.
I have found that I am happier and more grounded and able to be better to myself and my kids and my clients and friends when I am not in the rocky place that I find myself when I become emotionally engaged with the ex BF. I really find it better to keep my self to myself....I take care of business when I see him....pretend a little...and then let out emotional reaction to a "safer" person after seeing him.
What ever happens, forgive yourself for whatever you feel/do. This is a process of recovery and it takes time. Listen to your inner guidance.....and do your best to follow it.
