The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi when you set boundries you set them so you or noone goes to far, I understand this. how do you start to set them and know when others have gone over them? I know i need to set boundries and i know how to set so. I am haveing troble in this areas as my A has some mental problems. this mental problems are giving me troble as in not knowing how to handle some issue. I know how I feel about the issue and know that if they become bigger them they are as he is wanting then i need to leave. I have told him so but I just do not feel that he is taking me at my word, and i am feeling like he is useing me to get througth the hard stuff. How can I open this up with he and not start a arguement? I have gone to his counsling with him and am not afeared to bring this up there.
I know when someone is crossing my boundry when I feel it. I get icky feeling inside and I get mad.
I set a boundry to take care of myself. If I state a boundry with the idea that the other person is going to change to do what I want/need then my boundry backfires.
I have found that recently, I set great boundries but I fail to state them and then I get mad when someone crosses them! LOL! Awareness is key!!!
If you need to leave then leave. Following thru on our boundries is sometimes the hardest part. And listen to your gut. If you are scared to bring up something with your A ask yourself why you feel the fear. Is it because of the way he has reacted in the past r the way you have reacted?
Even when we change, sometimes they don't and that is hard also. I started changing and my ex didn't although I was treating him differently, he was still treating me the same.
Boundaries for me are an action - if someone is not treating me with respect , I leave the room or the house for awhile . I don't see the point in telling anyone what my boundaries are ,thats like waving a flag in front of a bull . boundaries are personal what may be unexceptable to me ,may be ok with you and visa versa . an example for me was my husb always yelled never talked to us the way he talked to other people , I told him if he didn't lower his voice then i was leaving the room now it's up to me to do just that. It didn't take him long to realize that i was serious and he stopped hollering . We teach people how to treat us , by allowing unexceptalbe behavior over and over again , if we want respect we have to ask for it and boundaries do that for me . Leaving the room was easy for me as I didn't have to worry about physical abuse , that is a whole new dilema.
