The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing this post because my husband (who is an alcoholic) is also very Catholic. I am also a religious person but not where I feel that I have to go to church every week. I have God in my life everyday in my own way. But anyway my H becomes very upset when I do not choose to go to church and also guilts and berates my daughter's (18 and 20) when they do not go. This upsets them very much as they have grown up doing everything they can to please him (which at times is virtually impossible). Like tonight they were both in tears - they had both long works days and both have to work tomorrow - so they did not go - and he was so angry at them. And then I am in the middle. I'm trying really hard not to be there - but it's hard to see my daughters upset.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that for many, many years I had went to church - it didn't seem to help my situation, and I don't want to feel forced to go. I grew up with an alcoholic family and am dealing with that. We live in a small town and my husband wants to put on airs and be the perfect family - and parade around in church. And then he goes uptown and gets drunk - (that's where he is right now - and I'm at home with two upset children) Yeah for me!!!! Resentment, resentment, resentment - is just pouring out of me.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and I feel for your daughters. I hope you are going to meetings, along with your daughters so they don't come to think that living like this is "normal". I grew up with an A dad, and ended up marrying one. It was the only life I knew. I had no idea what a true partner in life was. I only knew how to deal with an A. I learned how to make excuses, believe I was somehow at fault, and spent my days trying to "help" him. I was a "pleaser" too. If I could just be better, faster, smarter, prettier, things would be better. When he changed the "rules", I would try to live by them. I painted a picture of a "leave it to beaver" household.... and that is what everyone around me would see. Everyone thought my dad was great.... and then I made sure everyone thought my husband was great. Everyone except those I loved the most, my kids. They knew the truth.
Please, take care of yourself, and help your daughters learn what they need to know to have the life they deserve.
SL, your life does not need to be this way. I am very sorry to read your post. Your family sounds a little like the one I grew up in, instead it was my mom who loved to parade her two daughters through church...this is a very difficult situation for all of you. At least you are understanding of your two daughters and the three of you can take solace together but I also think you would be a great trio to attend some al anon meetings together. Not in your little town but perhaps in a neighboring one. I strongly encourage you to try some meetings and perhaps to go all together because then you can talk about your thoughts of how it went and whether it "fits" or not afterwards. We recommend that you attend 6 before you decide, different ones, if you can. Each meeting is a little different. HEY, you can tell your husband that you are going to a womens church function/meeting/prayer meeting (which may not be far from the truth, to be honest). Please keep coming back here and reading as many posts as you can, too. Hugs, J.
Thanks for listening and going to a meeting is my next step. I have read all the literature and books that I can get my hands on. I have read the Al-anon book twice and find myself in many of the stories. Going forward is very hard for me and scary. Letting the walls down I think is the hardest part - I don't know what I will find or how I will muck my way through it. At times I don't feel adequate or that I'm enough to do it. I am not the strongest person in the world and suffer from major depression. I always seem to take one step forward and two steps back. I have a bad habit of being a recluse - opening up to and being around people is very hard for me.
I sooooooo hope you go to an Al-anon meeting. You will see you are not alone. So many of us have been pushed down so long that we feel guilt, when we did nothing wrong, and shame, for not doing more. You will find strenght in numbers at a meeting, you will see you are not alone. There are also on-line meetings in this forum. You can check out the info in the upper left corner of this page (in the yellow). The chat room is also linked from this page. There are people there most often and are willing to share with you. I know the chat room helped me so much. I find myself having coffee in the chat room every morning I can, just to be with people that understand me, and my journey.
I had the same problem with my mother , she was v ery religious and me not so much . I finally sat her down and said that in this program we talk alot about acceptance , accepting people just as they are , and said if we don't do that we will always argue and I didn't want to do that . I told her I believed in a God * which i had no intention of explaining to her * that she would just have to accept that , I would work hard on accepting that she has her beliefs no one is right or wrong ,we simply don't agree . it works for us . As for your daughters they are 18 and 20 stay out of thier stuff , thier relationship with dad might be bumpy but they have to deal with it themselves get out of the middle and let it play out . Have u ever noticed that as long as we play interference eventually every one ends up angry at US ??
