The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess the way that I began to deal with anger and rage was to see that I was placing myself and "setting myself up" to be a rageful and angry person. I did this by not having any boundaries. I did this by being easy-going and saying "OK" and "yes" to everything and everyone.
In order to really begin to remove the rage and anger from my daily life, however, I needed to set boundaries with all the people in my life. When I did this about 80% of them disappeared. Including my ex-husband. Its a tough call but I was a total monster and so unhappy and horrible. I have no regrets. I need boundaries. Boundaries keep me happy and peaceful.
Now, slowly, that 80% is being filled by people who respect my boundaries. Its not quick. Its far from painless. I miss people but I am also open to a new life which is what is happening and its beautiful although it cannot be predicted in many ways. Change has always been scary for me but today, it is not because I place it all in HP's hands. HP has me exactly where he wants me. I just need to accept this and because of this program, I am learning to see and understand his plans for me. Which are WAAAY better than my plans for myself, believe me! Hope this helps, there is a pathway out of the anger and resentment. Its learning to look at what we do to ourselves to make us that way. Its not an outside job, its an inside job like anything else. Hugs, J.
Great topic! I asked my sponsor this same question earlier this week. She said that she tries really hard to leave the room so that she won't regret anything she might say to her A. We noth agreed that raging at an A, particularly and actively drinking A is a waste of time.
I asked her this question because I'm usually fairly good at recognizing the futility of raging at my A. However the morning before, I really let the rage fly. If I think about why, it was because I had pushed down many feelings that were unprocessed from the previous few days......A cooked and fell asleep leaving the gas still burning and the food burning when I got home. A woke up the next day in a very defensive way, even though I hadn't started yelling and began yelling at me for no reason, A left his wallet at a restuarant etc. etc. etc. Since my A drinks almost continuously, it means there is no right time to process these feelings. My sponsor also suggested that if I need to "vent" I should call her or another Al-Anon friend.
ANGER I've heard is merely a symptom....RAGE is merely one of the forms it manifests as....Anger is really Fear, Frustration, Hurt. When we realize what the source is we are better able to address what's really going on.
Why am I angry....Did I have expectations that others didn't meet? In Alanon we learn we can't control others, not by will, not by manipulation, force, threats, tears, begging, pleading.
What am I afraid of...Saying the words, telling others in program who have been there and understand, who can give us new suggestions.
Am I frustrated...Do I keep trying the same things over and over again and not getting what I want? Next question: "So how's that working for you"? Al-anon reminds us how repeating failed attempts at beating our heads against the wall by doing the same things over and over can be stopped by the reality...."Nothing changes if nothing (no one) changes.
Where is this fear coming from...For me it was realizing deep down if I stopped pointing at everyone elses mistakes, actions and deeds, I may have to look at my own. That can be scarey, but ultimately it can be healing with the right help of a sponsor, meetings and reading.
Is Anger and Raging simply me reacting to something or someone? In Al-anon I've found I have the option and the right to step back a moment and respond rather than react.
I've lived with a rager for 36 yrs now, if I were to do it over again, I would bow out. In my humble opinion we are to treat others as we would like to be treated. No ONE has the right to belittle, degrade, humiliate, terrify, steal dignity, shame or blame another.
Anger, you will hear, is one step away from Danger.
I've lived that, I elected to set it down and not accept it as my own. Words leave huge gapping scars in the soul, in the mind, in the heart.
All we are ever asked to do is the next right thing.
