The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
MY "FIANCE" THAT I HAVE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YEARS AND ALSO HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS (3 1/2 AND 8 MONTHS) WITH HAS BEEN STRUGGLING WITH A ALCOHOL AND DRUG ADDICTION FOR MOST OF HIS LIFE. I HAVE RECENTLY FOUND OUT THE REALITY OF HIS DRUG ABUSE AND HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT HE IS GOING TO STOP. I KNOW HE HAS TRIED BUT HE DOESNT WANT TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE NEEDS HELP AND CANT DO IT BY HIMSELF. I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN ENABLING HIM AND NOW I WANT TO STOP. LAST WEEKEND HE DRANK AND DIDNT COME HOME FOR 2 DAYS AND WHEN HE CAME BACK I TOLD HIM THAT FROM NOW ON IF HE IS GOING TO BE ON ANYTHING HE IS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO COME BACK TO OUR HOUSE UNTIL HE HAS SOBERED UP. HE WAS FINE WITH MY DECISION AND I BELIEVE WAS SOBER THE ENTIRE WEEK UNTIL LAST NIGHT. THE THING THAT MAKES ME SO UPSET IS YESTERDAY MORNING I HAD TOLD HIM HOW PROUD I WAS OF HIM THIS WEEK AND I KNOW THAT IT ISNT EASY BUT I BELIEVE IN HIM THAT HE CAN DO THIS. HIS REPLY WAS THE DRUGS DIDNT SEEM HARD FOR HIM BUT THE DRINKING WAS HARD AND HIS WHOLE BODY HURTS. HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM US B/C HE WAS MESSED UP AND WE AREN'T AND THIS PAST WEEK WHILE HE HASNT BEEN ON ANYTHING HE HAS STARTED FEELING CLOSER TO US AGAIN AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. SAME DAY-YESTERDAY HE SHOWS UP AT WORK AND IMMEDIATELY I KNOW HE HAS DRANK AND HE DENIS IT AND OF COURSE WE ARGUE, THEN I LEAVE AND A HOUR LATER I GET A PHONE CALL FROM HIS EMPLOYEES TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO PICK HIM UP B/C THEY WONT LET HIM DRIVE. SO I DO. HE DENIED EVER DRINKING ALL NIGHT. I FORGAVE HIM IN THE MORNING AFTER HE APPOLIGIZED AND TOLD HIM LETS JUST START OVER AGAIN HE HAD A SLIP UP SO LETS MOVE PAST IT. THEN HE WENT TO WORK, I HAVE TALKED TO HIM NUMEROUS TIME TODAY AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE, HE TOLD ME HE WAS FINISHING UP AND THEN WOULD BE HOME SO WE COULD ALL DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, WELL HOURS LATER I TRY TO CALL HIM B/C ITS BEEN A WHILE AND HE DOESNT ANSWER, BY THE 3RD CALL HE ANSWERS AND I CAN TELL AGAIN HE IS DRUNK, HE ADMITS IT AND I HANG UP, SEND HIM A TEXT TELLING HIM NOT TO COME TO OUR HOUSE FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND OR UNTIL HE HAS HAD A DAY OF BEING SOBER. THEN A LITTLE WHILE LATER HE SHOWS UP AT OUR HOUSE AND HE CANT GET IN B/C I HAVE LOCKED ALL OF THE DOORS, AND HE LEAVES. I BASICALLY WANT TO KNOW IF I AM USING THE TOUGH LOVE SCENARIO OR IF I AM DOING THIS ALL WRONG. I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO AT THIS POINT SO ALL I WANT TO DO IS KEEP ALL OF HIS DESTRUCTION AWAY FROM MYSELF AND THE KIDS. IT STILL HURTS BUT I HOPE MAYBE BY DOING THIS IT MIGHT HURT HIM AS WELL AND MAYBE HE WILL WANT TO TRY HARDER? I NEED HELP AND ANY SUGGESTIONS I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR. I REALLY WANT TO HELP HIM AND HAVE A FAMILY WITH HIM, I WANT TO STICK BY HIM AND NOT JUST LEAVE. I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I AM THERE FOR HIM THROUGH ANYTHING B/C NO ONE ELSE IN HIS LIFE EVER HAS, AND I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH, BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MAKE HIM SEE HE IS KILLING HIMSELF. I KNOW I CANT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING BUT I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW HOW TO HELP. NOW ALL HE CAN DO IS LEAVE ME ROTTEN MESSAGES ABOUT HOW HE ISNT GOING TO PAY OUR MORTGAGE AND I CAN ROT HERE, AND IM AM THE BIGGEST WAIST OF LIFE THAT EVER EXISTED.
You are trying out new behavior. It is hard to know what is the right thing or the wrong thing. What is right is what helps you and your kids. what is wrong is if you think that by doing it, it will fix him. You did not cause his addiction, you cannot control it or cure it.
Welcome to MIP. There is a lot to learn here. Take a deep breath (or 10!) I can totally relate to your story. My AH and I have been together for over 18 years. When my kids were the age yours are I was in big time denial and kept expecting him to "outgrow" it. Now the kids are 16 and 12 and he's still smoking pot daily and binge drinking. lovely. Recovery is a journey for you and maybe him too. be patient and continue reaching out.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I KEEP THINKING THAT HE IS GOING TO REALIZE HE HAS TO STOP, I DONT KNOW IF I AM DOING THIS FOR HIM OR ME.... I WANT HIM HERE B/C THEN AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE HE IS AND THAT HE'S SAFE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DONT B/C I KNOW ALL WE WILL DO IS FIGHT AND ALSO HE NEEDS TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.
Glad to have you hit the MIP site. Lots of help here and "...if you keep and open mind you will find help." That comes from the closing statement of our face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings.
There is a lot of support for you here too. Read the current posts and the earlier ones so that you can get a perspective of where we have been, what we have found out and what we do today. You are not alone and you don't have to live this way ever again if you can keep that open mind and are willing to change things for and about yourself.
You know and he knows that alcohol and drugs come before every other thing in his life. It's not about love but addiction and every story is very sad.
There is nothing you will tell him that he doesn't already know or which has crossed his mind before. He knows and he is addicted.
It is time for you to do something different and there will be tons of suggestions here for you. Basic starter suggestions is get to the phone book. Look up the Al-Anon hotline phone number for your area and listen for the meetings that are available to you and get there fast. Also see if there is a "live" person to talk to in the meantime. "Live" meaning can speak to you now. Talk to that person. They will be familiar with your story mostly because they have and we all have lived it ourselves. You are not alone. Get Al-Anon literature and read it all. Plan to get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. If it works out for you great. If you find out what has worked for us doesn't work for you you are always free to look elsewhere. The program is free. You will find much support from very supportive people who will love you un- conditionally.
Keep coming back here in the meantime. MIP will support and love you also till you learn to love yourself.
hello and welcome. you sound exactly like i did three years ago. 8 yr relationship. all the same stuff. hed go out drink do drugs and id tell him dont come home when your under the influence and he didnt. so turned out id be at home alone more and more often crying and worrying. then i found this site. found my worth at the time and realized he was just doing what an addict does. i didnt have to sit an ruin my life anymore because he was living his. "live and let live" so i did. i started taking care of me. and doing what makes me happy. i found i could still live with him well he was sober or not. eventually i found i didnt want a life like that and i chose to leave. you dont have to leave no one will tell you to but i am saying you can live sanely with him because i did. as long as you keep in mind he may never stop or he might tomorrow but either way its not up to you. you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it. you need to take care of you and your kids. keep coming here and take it one day at a time. hes going to drink or use...what are you going to do?
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I understand where you are at. I am in a simular situation. We fought the batter for years. He finally left ME because I was such a "nag". I was outraged, how could he leave someone who has tried soooooooo hard to help him? The funny thing is I WAS A NAG. I started treating him like I was his warden in the little jail I had made for him (and me). I had lost all trust (never knew who was going to walk in the door, Dr. Jeckle or Mr. Hide). I never knew when we was going to walk in the door either. After he left, I started coming to this site. I posted messages, and went to the open chat. I also starting going to the meetings on line. WOW what a help for me. I WASN'T CRAZY, I WASN'T ALONE. When he asked to come back. I said "If being with me was going to help you get over your adiction, then you would have been over it years ago." "I obviously can not help you." "I truly want to help you along your path to recovery, but I can not take you there". Even when I was saying it, I didn't believe I could stick to it. With the people here, I have been able to stay strong. I have watched him back slide a few times, but he seems to be, at the least, seeing he has the problem, not me. I talk to him on the phone, but if he seems to have been drinking, I just say I cant talk to a drunk, and say goodbye. I dont take any more calls from him that night. Those calls are getting fewer. I dont know if he just isn't calling when he is drunk, or if he is drinking less. I dont know, and I can not care. It is his problem to fix. He has come by the house, and I welcome him, but as a friend, not as a lover. (I am sure you will see yours more because you have kids). RULE TWO is that he can not come to my house with even one drink in him. I am feeling stronger.... I'm not sure how this will end, but I need to take care of myself, and you need to too. For you and your kids. Go to meetings....... get support,,,,, and I wish you well
