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As you may know, Ah has been gone from the house 2 wks. We have a 4 yr old son. Ah has been providing before school care to son, but because a recent driving with son incident (official day of our most recent split) Ah, doesn't have any other "visitation" at this time.
there was a situation that occured today that I need some help with. Ah came to the house early because he's finishing up laying some laminate flooring here, with the help of a neighbor. I feel like his attitude is gruff with me. When I asked him about that, he said "not at all"...our words...no my words began heading in the direction of saying, "I guess you confuse me, because you come and do work around the house, but then treat me like crap. Why are you here then, doing the floors and stuff?" His response, "that when the house sells, it will be worth more". Although we both sort of understood that if I a reconciliation can't occur, then this is a long-term action, it didn't ease the burn to hear him say it. We engage somewhat in talk of divorce, separation, etc. He says his hope is that we can work this out, but we both have a lot of work to do. That he has allowed his self esteem to be flushed down the toilet so to speak and he's not even going to begin that conversation as it would take hours, so he'll just leave it at that. (I feel he was insinuating I've beaten his self esteem to a pulp)
I proceeded with my day, which included going to a birthday party for his two grandkids. Spending the afternoon at his daughters place, with my son, for the party, in the company of my Ah's ex wife and her parents. It was very fine. But a little awkward if you spend too much time thinking about it!!!
Ah and I had made plans with the neighbors to have dinner together. On my way home Ah calls me and asks if I am going straight there or coming to the house first? I say "I'm on my way to the house now" He quickly says "ok" and hangs up.
I get home. Ah has nothing to say. No, "how was the party? what did the kids get? did they like their present?" to neither me nor our son. He identifies that the trim in "YOUR ROOM" is glued down and weights need to stay on for 24hrs etc. (YOUR ROOM, not our room, it's now "YOUR ROOM" as in my room alone. BURN) Then he puts his coat on and says, "I'll meet you over there".
I pause and start reviewing things in my mind. I say, "I'm not sure what you are so angry at, but if this is the attitude I am going to receive all night from you, I'd sooner not go anywhere with you and especially not the neighbors for dinner". He goes off, ... I am a nag, what the hell am I talking about? He's not angry at all. I begin listing, "your attitude is gruff, you insinuate this morning that I am to blame for your poor self esteem and having no will in life or will power, the only reason you are doing the floors is for resale value, you nearly hang up the phone on me when you called me, you can't be bothered to ask how the party was, you are about to rush out the door again....but you're not angry???"... He says, "we have nothing to talk about" I say, "but I am a human being and I wouldn't allow anyone else to treat me this way, and I'm not going to allow it from you. you are being just plain rude. If you want to be mad, fine, be mad, but don't expect me to want to be around you".
He says he's not going to dinner. I say I'm not either. HE's leaving. (okay fine! goodbye!) He says, "you are just an F***ing B****h who wants to nag all the time" and he's out the door.
sigh.....
I texted him and say "you start off the day insinuating I have wiped you of self esteem. u tell me u are doing the floors not to help me, but as a means to gain when the house sells. U hurry off the phone with me always. U don't so much as ask how the party was, with your girls, your grandkids and your exwife! U hurry off to go to the neighbors, treating me with attitude. and when I question why so angry, im a F*****g B***h and a nag? I don't get you, but I wish you all the best. and once again I do appreciate you doing the floors." His response:"Learn 2 talk about yourself and stop putting me down"
then he texts : "I told neighbor I wasn't going but you would be"
I responded "I called and left a message to apologize but we wouldn't be making it afterall" His response text: "ASS"
There's the truth. Me being honest.
I can read through this and see that I should have just ended the conversation at the boundary and simply said, "I'd like to have a nice time tonight. To do that, I need to be treated kindly. If you can't do that, I'm going to have to decline the invitation with you"
But, I am stumped and I stumble and I truly don't get it, when my Ah says things like "focus on yourself. You have so much to say about me, and never anything about YOU." and in this instance "Learn to talk about yourself and stop putting me down"
I just really and truly don't get it. He WAS being rude. He WAS being angry. He WAS being unkind. What am i supposed to say about myself??? I don't know what I am supposed to say about myself. He wants me to not say anything about him...and if I am going to list pukey behaviours, then he wants me to "talk about myself". But the issue wasn't me. was it? I don't get it.
rough couple days for me...and I thought I was doing so well. :(
What a difference a sponsor makes! When I was in your shoes I really didn't know how to win and I really wasn't able to step into the alcoholic's shoes and understand that she was going thru all of the trouble with me and not against me. She didn't know anymore how to handle the situation than I did and while I was trying to protect myself from the burn so was she. She didn't like it anymore than I was just as confused, defensive, resentful, angry and the like. Like me she was doing the best she could with what she had and that wasn't enough...for either of us. She was trying to hold up her self esteem just as I was and we both didn't know that one of the consequences of working the program was being happy not being right.
I put a ton of weight on her shoulders with my expectations and glued it all there with attempting to hold her responsible for my peace of mind and serenity. When I was able to put myself in her shoes I didn't like it anymore than my own.
What a difference a sponsor makes. When I finally agreed to go along with the suggestion of getting a sponsor my life began to level out a whole bit. I didn't always like what I was hearing and mostly because I was trying to filter what I was hearing thru my hurt ego and pride and my habit of being defensive. I had to take the blinders off and work at keeping an open mind while translating humiliation into humility. There is a huge difference and I wouldn't know it until I started allowing the program to work. "Every morning when you wake up Jerry F," my sponsor said, "crush your ego and kill your pride...before they crush and kill your spirit." That felt alot like eating crow and I told my sponsor that. What we decided was that eating crow isn't bad if you first take off the feathers and dress it and then it taste just like chicken. LOL.
Humility is being teachable...letting another experienced program member guide me with their wisdom, experiences and patience. Yes patience; it took along time, much work and several sponsors to help me understand that the condition of my life was the consequences of my old thinking, feeling and compulsive habits. It took much program and many program members for me to accept, learn how to and be willing to change my old program for a new one. I had to let the alcoholic go free so that I could have some room to pick up this program that eventually saved my life, spirit and most certainly my sanity.
The program question, "what is my part in it?" should be asked within the help of another member(s) ESH or I'm leaving the answer up to a sick person... myself.
The issue is YOU. You can only take care of and change yourself. If he wants you to dismount from his back...dismount. He's not happy. He wants to be happy and he isn't. Neither are you. He wants you to stop making "you" statements and make "I" statements and this is a challenge for you and for me. To stop blaming another for what I thought was my sufferage was disaster for me because it meant that the only person left to make responsible for my condition was me. By the way most therapies focused on recovery from life affecting events work when the client self focuses...the "I" instead of the "you" or any other person. It was my reaction to what I perceived my alcoholic was doing or not doing that was crazy. There were no and are no rules that say I have to react a certain way. I learned that in the Family Groups and it set me free. It also took pressure off of my alcoholic and allowed her full freedom to experience her own life and consequences and make the changes she found necessary. I learned to allow my alcoholic the dignity of experiencing the consequences of her choices. She was free. I was happy most of the time instead of right. "Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?" This is one of my self focus questions.
Do keep coming back and attending meetings and getting the program literature and a sponsor. Don't try this alone!!
These conversations are often called crazymaking and makes me cross eyed. With the help of sponsor, MIP and al anon literature, I started picking up some tools to distance myself and learn to respond (which can be no response) rather than react. The three A's of awareness, acceptance and action start with aware there is something I don't get. Before that, I didn't even see the crazymaking I had been drawn into. Meetings, sponsors and reading here at MIP all help. Keep coming back
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I can relate. My A fiance is also bipolar. Sometimes when I do something he dosen't like he will then make comments to me like you AH does. I realize it is his addictions and his mental disorder that make him act like that. But, at times it can be hurtful. For me from now on I tell him he has hurt my feelings. It has helped us to be more honest with one another and our communication has improved. I don't know your exact situation but I wish you luck and hope this helps.
