The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son is a recovering addict and alcoholic...age 22. He has been through ip/op treatment, residential treatment, halfway house, meetings after meetings. He shares an apartment with another person who has relapsed and is currently using. Every day with my son is a drama...I really could use some advice on how to stop this cycle of enabling and codependency. Suggestions, anything...those who are in the same boat...those out there with children who are addicts or alcoholics. I want to get in to some meetings or meet with some folks who KNOW and understand and who will not make judgements.
Go to a face to face meeting of Al-anon. Read some books for Al-anon and let go and let God. Keep come back here and reading the post as they are helpful too. I have adult children and thank God I do not beleif that they are using or A. But they is two that I do not get tom see very much as they live in a differnt state.
I could tell you a million ways to stop enabling and being codependent, but when it is a child involved, all bets are off!! I cannot imagine the heartbreak of seeing your child go through this. All I can offer is a hug, prayers, and positive energy beaming your way. As others have said, get thee to an AlAnon meeting, and keep going. It will do you a world of good. And keep coming back here.
My very best wishes to you,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I hear you. I understand you. I am not judging you. I care about you. I have walked in your shoes. Each of my two sons have experienced what you are saying. I, as a mother needed to find a way to regain my balance. I came here in hopes of fixing them. The drama was unending. The fear was unexplainable. I measured my failures and successes by their behaviors. I first came... then I came to.... now I've come to understand... Each of us are born with a free will, What another person no matter how much we love them does... Is simply that, their free will. I came to learn, each son will either make it or not. Small words, massive impact for a mother to hear. I can only tell you what has helped me. I learned I didn't cause it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't cure it. (It being their disease, their lives, their situations) What I could do was seek out others who understood. Congratulations for having the courage to take that first step. I found meetings near me and went. I learned to listen again. Love again. Breathe again. Detach for maybe the first time in my life. I learned how saying "no" is a complete sentence, when they tried to pull me into the drama. I learned their disease is wreckless, harmful, consumed all and others. I learned although it was my son's face speaking it was the disease that wanted to trick, fool, hurt and destroy all of us. I learned how to speak outloud my worst fears. I learned to trust others again by selecting a sponsor. I found getting my hands on Alanon approved material gave me insight on how to free myself and perhaps save anothers life by getting myself healthy again. I came to understand the difference between caring and enabling. Keep coming back... What seems impossible today, can be your miracle tomorrow. You are worthy to have peace and serenity in your life.
Go to your phone book and look up the Al-Anon hotline number and get the times and locations for the meetings. Before now and the meeting hang around this site and read current and past posts which are the Experiences Strengths and Hope of members who have come before you with much the same condition. There is so very much you can learn. It's all free. All you have to do for now is give up your focus on your son and Let go and Let God have you and your son.
There is a ton of literature available to you at the meetings; pamphlets and books (daily readers etc.) You will relate. There are a zillion shoulders and ears and hearts in this program and all of us will love you unconditionally until you learn to love yourself. We already understand and love you as in many more ways than not we have been where you are at now; some more than others.
I was in program when my 19 yoa son, fully addicted; drugs and alcohol came to live with me. The very best part for him and me was that I was in program. He would have to live in the hell of addiction for many more years before he changed paths and then his life would include a wife who was born and raised in alcoholism and three children who would be altered by the drugs and alcohol he was using when they were conceived and raised. He knows that his Dad and Step-mother are helpful (very) and will not enable. We will not do for him what he is able to do for himself and we will not do without being allowed being asked and then deciding for ourselves what is appropriate.
You are at the doorstep of the Al-Anon Family Groups. This program has saved so many lives, hearts, minds, spirits and bodies. Come take your seat it has been ready for you and there is a seat for you in every meeting where ever the program can be found, which is most countries of the planet. You are not alone.
