The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to the realization that this is the best place for me to get honest, and carefully thought out answers to the hard questions. The question I am about to ask isn't about my A, but about my "take charge" attitude. I have always been the family "fixer". They dump their problems on me, and I work to solve them. I have two sisters. My one sister was in a bad marriage and she came to live with me to get though her mess. She ended up staying 3 years. During the three years I took alot of abuse from her (financially, mentally and emotionally). My other sister was always there for me, and tried to be there for the other one. Besides the money I spent caring for her (she couldn't work...was too upset), I also loaned her money. My other sister did too. Before leaving, I was paid back, but my other sister wasn't. Now the sister that lived with me has her own place, and a job (both good things). BUT, she is spending money like there is no tomarrow. She keeps in contact with me but not the sister she owes money to. She says she cant contact her because her phone plan doens't allow her to call Canada, or receive calls from there. As she was packing and leaving, I mentioned the money she still owed our other sister. She said she couldn't worry about that now, she had to put herself first. I said I thought she needed to just show some effort to pay it back, even if it was $25 a month. She didn't respond and I left it at that. NOW i find myself in a wierd place. I am glad my sister has found a good place in here life. I feel she is living in a fantasy world, and her spending will catch up to her, but she seems happy and her spending is none of my business. BUT I feel she is disrespecting our other sister, and find it hard to even talk to her. NOW, I am having so much trouble listening to "I bought this, and that", and I just want to say "you can spend $10 on a cat toy, but cant give Jane back a penny of what you took from her?" She is also going to the Casino. I have considered telling her that I am happy that she is happy, but she needs to stop telling me all the things she is purchasing and her trips to the canino because of the way it makes me feel. THAT IS MY QUESTION. Do I just support her and her happiness, or do I tell her how I feel? I know if I tell her how I feel, she will go to the "can't anyone be happy for me? I deserve to be happy " place she always goes to. It would probably end up with us just not speaking for a long while. Is my desire to tell her how I feel coming from a caring place in my heart for the sister that is being wronged, or is it coming from that controling place where I want her to do what I think is the right thing?
Program allowed me to finally get into looking at my habits and motives. You decide what honesty is for you and reading your posts I thinking that part of you is pretty well intact. I found out how to love another person without wanting them to fall in line with my values and expectations. "I love you and I am confused with what you are doing..." was college type lessons for me. Learning to do it once was also higher learning or else I was doomed along with the other person to doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...i n s a n i t y. I learned to say "and" and drop the "but" from my statements. "I love you and I am confused..." spoke of the whole truth and not any conditions to it. I stopped waiting for my diploma from the University of the Al-Anon Family Groups because it's about progress not perfection.
