The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to the realization that this is the best place for me to get honest, and carefully thought out answers to the hard questions. The question I am about to ask isn't about my A, but about my "take charge" attitude. I have always been the family "fixer". They dump their problems on me, and I work to solve them. I have two sisters. My one sister was in a bad marriage and she came to live with me to get though her mess. She ended up staying 3 years. During the three years I took alot of abuse from her (financially, mentally and emotionally). My other sister was always there for me, and tried to be there for the other one. Besides the money I spent caring for her (she couldn't work...was too upset), I also loaned her money. My other sister did too. Before leaving, I was paid back, but my other sister wasn't. Now the sister that lived with me has her own place, and a job (both good things). BUT, she is spending money like there is no tomarrow. She keeps in contact with me but not the sister she owes money to. She says she cant contact her because her phone plan doens't allow her to call Canada, or receive calls from there. As she was packing and leaving, I mentioned the money she still owed our other sister. She said she couldn't worry about that now, she had to put herself first. I said I thought she needed to just show some effort to pay it back, even if it was $25 a month. She didn't respond and I left it at that. NOW i find myself in a wierd place. I am glad my sister has found a good place in here life. I feel she is living in a fantasy world, and her spending will catch up to her, but she seems happy and her spending is none of my business. BUT I feel she is disrespecting our other sister, and find it hard to even talk to her. NOW, I am having so much trouble listening to "I bought this, and that", and I just want to say "you can spend $10 on a cat toy, but cant give Jane back a penny of what you took from her?" She is also going to the Casino. I have considered telling her that I am happy that she is happy, but she needs to stop telling me all the things she is purchasing and her trips to the canino because of the way it makes me feel. THAT IS MY QUESTION. Do I just support her and her happiness, or do I tell her how I feel? I know if I tell her how I feel, she will go to the "can't anyone be happy for me? I deserve to be happy " place she always goes to. It would probably end up with us just not speaking for a long while. Is my desire to tell her how I feel coming from a caring place in my heart for the sister that is being wronged, or is it coming from that controling place where I want her to do what I think is the right thing?
None of your business LEEA. Stay out of it. This is "other sister's" problem. Maybe "other sister" has, in her mind, written it all off. Whatever the case, this is between the two of them. Let it go.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think it can be very hard to tease apart the natural desire to be open and honest about your feelings with someone, with the desire to influence their actions. This is something I struggle with every day.
I recall a time a few months ago, where I was struggling with whether to go visit my AH in rehab. This was because I didn't feel he was working the program the way I thought he should. I was very perplexed about whether to go or not and I spoke to a wise friend in Al-Anon. He told me that in his experience, nothing good ever comes of doing something with the intent of getting the other person to do something in response. He said that this kind of "controlling" always back-fired on him. He suggested that I think about whether I was contemplating not going as a way of punishing or controlling my AH. When I thought about my motives, I realized it was true that I was trying to manipulate an outcome for my AH. In the end, I went because I wanted to show support for his attempt at recovery.
I'm not sure if this helps in the situation with your sisters?
I have three sisters, and at any one time, one is doing something to the other that is wrong. For myself, I have decided that I value the relationship with each of them enough, no matter who is the wrong-doer, to step back, and let them have responsibility for their relationship with others. I even tell them that I will not involve myself in their relationship with each other. I won't break confidences, nor will I take sides.
One of my sisters also suffers the addiction of gambling. She has since found recovery, I hope that your sister will also find recovery soon.
Thank you for your insight. I stated my case when she first moved out. Any other comments would just muddy the waters with me trying to "fix" a problem I have no control over.
well, Diva sd it clearly & succintly, I agree with her. Take this as an opportunity to detach from their issues, problems, circumstances and focus on you, you and YOU.
For me when I MYOB (mind my own business) this is a huge umbrella that catches a lot of things for me, but mostly & foremost, it means I no longer think aboutother people's issues, mental state or well being, I no longer 'try to make them feel better' - I'm all detached from that stuff, b/c I accept after SO long I can't do it & I'm powerless. So I'm freed up with lots of time in which I can focus on me and change & transform my life. I never felt like I was in the driver's seat in my life. Now at forty, it is the beginning for me and it is so exciting & wonderful and a relief, that not only can I do it but I get to! All I have to concern myself with is me and it is a Blessing.
Where is the desire coming from - to fix? I think that comes from being ACoA and being programmed by A's. Now u can make the choice to be different.
-- Edited by kitty at 11:21, 2008-11-08
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
