Hi smileycat,

Great question! I wanted to share my experience of doing a 4th step as I realized that there was a lot I did not know about myself.

I used an Al-Anon booklet to help me do my fourth step. I think it was called the 4th Step Inventory Workbook. It was available to borrow from the lending library at my Al-Anon home group. Anyway, I took several days to answer the questions in the workbook. Then after each question I marked with an asterisk the character defects that resonated most with what I thought I knew about myself. Then I set it down and didn"t go back to it for a few months.

What was amazing to me, was after just a few more months of working the program, there were things I wrote about myself, character defects I thought I had, and others I thought I didn't, that I completely missed the first time around.

I think a 4th step gets better with more time in the program. If you keep working the program, you will surely gain new awareness of who you are, and who you are not.

I hope this helps,

Regards, Rocky

Wow, can I ever relate to your question! omg, when I came back to al-anon 3 years ago, I couldn't even tell you what I liked, what I liked to do, what I wanted to do, honestly, I was so numb and out of touch with myself.  And I had come to al-anon many years before when I was a teenager, so I had worked all the steps before, a couple of times. Skip about 18 years down the road and then here I was back - all numb, all confused, full of rage and pain.

The steps arent anything to breeze through (take lightly) or do quickly, necessarily. There is no race. Take your time, be gentle and thorough. Since you recognize you're ACoA, get the book, 12 Steps fpr Adult Children.  It will prompt you with questions as you work thru the steps. It speaks to our issues directly & specifically as acoa's. When I first got it, I couldn't believe how they knew me so well?!  It was like, everything they were describing about feelings was exactly how I felt. I sure couldn't make sense of my own emotions and here was this book showing me (myself) like a map.

Some people have spent years on each step. Especially step 4, it is a doozie, the big one where we lay it all out for ourselves. First time I did it, all I had was negative things to write or say about myself. A thorough & complete moral invnetory also contains positive attributes. Even today, I still have trouble knowing my own self-worth.

Progress not perfection. - Perfection is a real issue for acoa's! Just know there is no such thing. Good luck, I hope u can get that book, it's $11 brand new, I got mine at the local bookstore. You can see a copy of the cover at the bottom of the Board page.

A friend in recovery, -kitty of light

I hope that you are working with a Sponsor who can help you navigate your way through this Step. My sponsor really helped me figure out what role I played in many of the issues/events that my 4th step raised for me. She helped me to see both the good and the "bad"--although it really isn't about labeling yourself "bad." To me, it's about identifying issues that have been problematic for me, examining my role in them, and then letting them go because they no longer serve any kind of purpose in my new life.

Just remember that it is all about progress and not perfection. You do not have to do this Step perfectly. This is probably not the last time you do a fourth step. I have learned that I can do a "mini" 4th step when my AH reveals issues to me that need to be addressed and at some point I would like to do a 4th step using the method set forth in the AA Big Book. For my first time, I used the Al-Anon inventory book and it was very helpful, but I see the value in looking at things from different angles. Also, I realized early on that my HP knows what I can handle and when I can look at issues in the clear light of reality (as opposed to my old friend denial). So, I realize that more issues will be revealed as I grow in my recovery--again, its about progress, not perfection.

Yours in recovery,

SLS

I would encourage you to go to some face-to-face meetings. You will find people there who understand exactly what you are going through since they have been through it as well. I have found that recovery works best when I do not isolate, but instead share my experience, strength and hope with others who do the same for me. I was never a "joiner" in my life and I was not sure that joining a group would work for me, but I have found that it does work, if I work it.

Also, going to face-to-face meetings would give you the opportunity to find someone who might be a good sponsor for you or who would, at the very least, listen to your 5th step when you are ready.

Yours in recovery,

SLS