The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am shakey and upset. I had re-connected with my ex BF A....lots of "healing" talking/sharing/etc . We hadn't been in touch since he moved out sober a year and a half ago. He is a handyman and after offering many times with me hesitating, I said yes, you can do work on my house. I need it done - I trust you (did i really say that???!!) - my house will be warmer by winter. There was also plenty of hand holding hugging etc.....old comfortable feelings one can have with an ex. But in reality, a lot of other feelings go along with an ex A, too.
Cause now he has a half finished project here and has not called in days. Literally a hole in my house. I got a message from him tonight...entirely professional....no warm sweet talk...no reassuring promises. And he has backed off the project.
I feel used. I feel like he was sweet enough for me to let down my gaurd, and now that I allowed him in, he can back off. He got my approval and acceptance and forgiveness....and that is all he wanted.
At the same time, I hear myself saying this and it feels a little too like the old victim mentality.
Can anyone relate?
If I feel used, am I being used? I know I participated in all this. Or is it just that it triggers old codependant feelings?
It feels old, this confusion. I also feel the urge to make it all better. To say, well there was no real contract yet, so I guess I am just a little disappointed the job didn't work out - that's ok.
Well, I think he was a jerk for doing what he did...to your house and to you.
But, I haven't been able to find a handyman who will finish a project yet. Bizzare because I pay them and all....
Now, what was his motive for doing what he did? No clue. I don't like trying to get into someone else's mind, especially and A's.
So what would I be left with? Just what I want to do with the pain. Maybe you were used, maybe you enjoyed the time spent and he pulled away and today you can say One Day At A Time.
This guy is an irresponsible jerk. Any "handyman" who would leave a hole in your house and back out of the job is a weasel. Is he using you? Well, yeah.......Why try to whitewash his behavior?
Seren, you don't pay for the job until its done. Once I had a man stop by and ask if he could rake my lawn. Said the family was hungry. So, softy that I am, I said yes and gave him the $25 for the job as I was about to leave the house. He said he would be back as soon as he went home to get his rake. Do I need to go on? LOL!!
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If you let someone with bad motives or intent into your house and they do something wrong, you are not to blame for what they did.
Please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about this.
Many of us have times where our optimism and desire to be around those we have loved, have been enticed to give someone a second, third or thirtieth chance only to get that not so subtle reminder from our HP that this is still the same person, with the same disease! Maybe your HP wanted you to be reminded of this at this time?
In my own experince A's can be really hot sometimes warm and affectionate. Then they can be really cold and act very distant like they don't care. it can be hard when they act like they don't care. In my experince sometimes they really do care but just don't know how to express it normally because of there disease. In my case my a is also bipolar so that explains why he changes his attitude so much. For me I know he loves me and cares but he has a disease which makes him have a bad attitude sometimes the addictions and bipolar. But I don't know your circumstances. Although if he was doing work on your house then it would make no sense why he would just leave it. But that's just my opinion. Take what you like leave the rest.
Thank you so much everyone. This was a huge reminder for me...about how much I love this person, about how his disease works, and about how I react. How nice to have experienced a bump instead of a roller coaster ride this time around with him! The hole in the wall has been fixed and we have decided he will not do anymore work here. I have 2 other carpenters coming this week to help...they might be A's, but at least they won't be ex's too!
