The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But, I love reading peoples shares. They always give me some insight and something new to ponder. I get to see how to work the steps better and the slogans give me something to think about. I then ponder and use the tools in al-anon. I feel like when I give I always receive something in return. In al-anon and outside of it as well. Since I've been using the tools I've seen improvements in my life already and it's only been a month. Yesterday I finally talked to my A fiance about what happend a year ago with that woman. Why she did what she did. At first he didn't tell me the whole truth he said she liked him and that's why she did it. But I still wondered why he didn't contact me and tell me right away. It didn't make sense to me. Finally he told me he thought he would get more time in prison. He had so many drug charges and other ones he thought he would get 12 years and have to serve 10 1/2. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Then he went on a drinking and drug binge for that last month. I truly belive he did what he thought was best at the time. He confided in me that he no longer wants to live this lifestyle and vicious cycle of drinking and abusing drugs. I told him that he had the choice to make and the power was in his hands. I said his HP can help him and i will support him 100% if he chooses recovery. So right now I'm just letting go and letting God. A few weeks ago I sensed my HP was telling me to write some articles. I did and now one is being published. It's coming out December 1st. I'm so excited about that.
I try to give to people gifts sometimes when I have the money. but mostly I give of my time or my help. Sometimes it get's to be too much to give and I get exhausted. I admit resentments build up when I feel like I'm doing is not being appreciated. Sometimes I give and give and then all people can do is complain that I'm not doing something the right way according to them. That frustrates me especially when I'm genuinely trying to help. I need to give to myself as well not just constantly give to others.
Receiving is hard for me to do. I remember when my fiance proposed to me and I felt guilty about taking the ring. I did eventually of course. I feel guilty when it's the holidays and people want to give me gifts. When people do nice things for me I always wonder why they are being so nice to me.
I'm working on giving without resentment and receiving without questioning.
I am also very proud of you for your continued work on yourself. We will never be perfect, but working towards a better understanding of ourselves, and how we can improve is a way to keep us on the right track. I hope I never get to the point where I say "all done". My growth has been hard, but it has opened my eyes. I am starting to like that person I see in the mirror every morning, and its a great feeling.
Congratulations on your new article. May there be many more!
I liked your post about being more comfortable giving than receiving. As I read it, I was thinking that I'm not comfortable receiving "self care". I judge that it is spoiling myself when I could be giving the care to someone else. I realize that this is part of my co-dependancy disease. Thanks for your share and bringing that to mind for me.
It also seems that you are getting to a more comfortable place in sharing your thoughts and feelings with your A fiance. I know from my own experience with my AH, that when I feel truly "heard", I can deal so much better with all that is going on. When I am pushed aside, or have my feelings minimized, I feel very unfulfilled and incomplete. Unfortunately, because my AH is so far along in his disease, I am not truly heard very much any more. It is quite rare. So posting here, going to meetings, talking with friends and family helps me to fill that void a lot. Although it's never totally filled as there is a space that wants to reconnect with my AH.
