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I dont know where to begin. I spoke with abf's mom earlier today as I still had not heard from him and was beginning to have some uneasy feelings. She told me that he would be coming home on Monday. I was shocked, he has only been in his program for 3 weeks yet it is a 6 week program. I guess his insurance ran out or something. According to him mom, this was confirmed by his counselor. He had told her this on either Tuesday or Wednesday, but also told her not to tell me that he would call and tell me himself. Well, today is Friday and I haven't heard from him. I am feeling like I was run over by a mack truck, or kicked down by a pink elephant! I am not ready for this, and I am so angry that he has not had the decency (or honesty, so much for his program) to call me himself and see if this was agreeable to me. His mom thinks he just wants to "surprise" me...like this is the kind of surprise anyone wants! At first I told her I would go with her to pick him up, but now have decided against it, as my anger and panic grows. How dare he think that he can just return here, unannounced! I am going to call her and tell her that I am not going to go with her, that no, he has not called me as yet, and we can just keep pretending that I dont know. I wont let him know, if she doesnt, that I know he is coming. I will just be here when he gets here so he will lose his own element of surprise. It just wakes me up to the fact that once again, he is trying to maintain control and manipulate the situation to suit his needs! I am only hoping that I have the strength to do in my heart what I know is right and in MY best interest. I am so scared and unsure right now. I thought I had a little more time to figure this out and now I am in a panic! Anything, any feedback would be most appreciated..I am feeling so confued! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Jeannie the things that come to mind reading your post today is Allow them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose . We cannot live our lives for someone else with out loosing our selves in the process . Your bf has made a choice to leave treatment . talking to you before hand wouldnt have changed a thing he had made up his mind . I don' t know if u are attending al anon meetings for yourself but if your going to continue in this relationship drinking or not u need support .please find meetings for yourself , your worth it . He will do what he has to do . period . thinking of you Louise
Confusion usually comes from lack of information. Meaning the more you learn about alanon the more clear things will become.
I see a mom who is enabling her son. Um he is leaving rehab early? Like that is a good thing???
So we learn to look at us and our own feelings. Fact is what are you doing for you? Meetings? Reading literature? Eating well, having fun, laughing, enjoyin life?
Addicts illness and or behaviors pull every one else down around them. We start feeling like life is empty, we stop taking care of our selves, even little things.
I will all of a sudden notice my eyebrows are a mess, and would realize his disease had pulled me down into the pit of despair.
I would look up and the cobwebs were about to suck me in...lol
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I agree with everyone else. When I focus on myself and let him focus on his recovery or lack of recovery then I'm not obsessing and making myself sick over the situation. We need to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Good luck!!
Hi i just joined the board last night actually but i read your post and it's exactly what i just went through a few weeks ago with my ex-husband. Oct.2nd was the date.
I have now moved out of state but at the time i had an agreement with him if he finished treatment he could stay with me to get on his feet and we would see how things went between us. I got a call out of the blue saying he had been released after 17 days and it was a 60-90 day program. he made up his mind and was done- no talking to me about it or his mom, just took off.
I didn't expect it and didn't know what would happen i went with the moment. Was pretty scary and who the hell was he to think it would be o.k. to come back to my house after not finishing! He showed up 4 hours after being released- still don't know how he got there, i suspected one of his drug dealer friends, he had no money or anything on him. He was completely out of it banging on the door and every window like a mad man and even on the roof. I was affraid and called 911. 5 officers showed up and took him off my property. He called right after from a payphone. He took his truck which was at my place and our dog and drove around for 6 hours with nowhere to go. I let him come back AGAIN because i was very worried about the dog but already made up my mind i had to get away so i wouldn't cave and could get on with my own life! He stayed with me until Oct. 26 and i moved almost 3000 miles away from him. I shipped my car and all my stuff, put my boxer on a plane and we got the hell away from the craziness! I had no idea i would be here especially when a month ago i was headed in a whole different direction. The past 3 weeks he was with me he pretended to go to meetings (which found out never went)- in his mind he thought he would be coming back with me once off probabtion in Feb. if he could say and do all the right things again and try and manipulate me. Once i got here he saw i wasn't caving he went on a binge again. I'm happy to be here and away but i still have a long way to come! A lot of times i don't go with things just in the moment but i guess i was at my limit and it was something i've been wanting for a long time, in a way he made it easier for me and showed me sooner than later he wasn't ready for the help and wasn't going to change and i just couldn't live that way anymore.
I hope it all works out for you. Stay strong and do what YOU want to do- don't let him pull at your heart strings! You never know what you will decide when enough is enough. Thanks for sharing, it makes me see that a lot of us have experienced a lot of the same things and we can lean on each other. I just joined here last night and it has helped me so much already
I feel your panic and want to send you some es&h Dont be scared your HP is looking after you and you will be ok. Take a deep breath, well several and if you dont know what to do do nothing, by that I mean dont feel pressured into doing anything you are not 100% sure of. Active A's are so selfish and your bf just doesnt get it. He's not even thinking of how YOU might be feeling or how unfair he is being. It's all about him and always will be. His family might carry on enabling him but you dont have to join in. Use all the tools you have, detach with love, focus on you and lean heavily on Alanon, all of us here and f2f.
I find it amazing how their mother's step into such situations. SHE was the one that got the phone call. Of course, she is the one that he knew would accept what he was doing. SHE is the one to call you. (how can you say no to his mother). SHE is the one that sounds like, wants to deliver the "package of crap" to your door. SHE thinks it ok to drop her problems off to someone else to take care of. SHE gets to be the good guy. YOU are in control, and YOU get to decide what you will allow, and NOT allow to happen in your life. Take the time to think it out, and make your decission. I know thats the easy part, sticking to the decission is the hard part. We are all here for you, and use this forum to vent and help yourself focus on you and your mental health. I love the quote "It is none of my business what others think of me". Don't worry what others think, do what you need to do. The others are probably putting themselves first, not you.
I know where you are at. My A when in to treatment on Aug 3,2008. He leave on Aug 8,2008, he had not called me that week but called his mother all week. The day that he leave the place he called me at home and we talk and he told me that he was going in to a differnt program that was 30 to 90 days. About three hours later his mother called me at home and ask me to came over that we had a problem and I was need there. I whan Like a Dumby she informs me that are A was getting releast and that he could not stay with her or his brother, his great uncle would not that him, so it just left me. I whem up there amd got he we did talk. He is sober so far going to counlering but not to A.A. Things are going so so. I am settingback trying to take care of me the best way I can and trying not to think about the what if. So I say hang in and take care of you.
Thanks for all of your replies. The thing is, I HAVE been taking care of myself and have been working hard at my own recovery, since July. I have been doing everything I need to do for me, at my own pace, and have felt like I was doing pretty well. I am also aware that he will do what he wants, when he wants, and I am just fine with that, as long as I am allowed the same courtesy. His leaving treatment early is not a decision he made for himself, it was a decision made by his insurance company, and quite frankly, I am very disgusted with the system for allowing this to happen. Do you put limits on recovery time for other diseases....ok, hey, you've got enough insulin for 3 weeks, after that youre on your own...I mean really! Its like here he is, smack in the middle and they are saying, sorry, you dont have the money now so you must leave...and honestly, he is in now way ready for this....and neither am I. He still hasnt called, and I did talk to his mom again last night and told her we can just pretend I know nothing and see what his intent is. I honestly dont know what he is thinking....but then, do we ever....but from where I sit, he would come here on Monday, cuz he had lived here with me before he went away...he would come here while I was at work, so when I got home, he would already be here. SURPRISE! Now I have to miss work on Monday so that I CAN be here, b/c I will be damned if he will just walk in here and get comfy while I supposedly know nothing about it. The panic comes from knowing what I have to do, and knowing that it is not going to go the way I wanted it to. I have been working hard to gear up for his release, which was not supposed to happen until the 28th of this month. I no longer have any time to allow this to play out, I no longer have time to take my time and see where it goes. I have been working hard at detaching and had been preparing myself for ending this relationship unless some sort of miracle had ocurred and now, again, I am let floundering and worrying about what will happen here when he arrives. HE will be surprised that I am sitting in the living room, expecting him. I am not ready for him to be here as I know he is not ready to be here, though this is what he wants. There is no time for me to ease him into the reality, and I am quite sure his mom will sit here with us and try to mediate on his behalf. I dont know that I can handle that kind of pressure, but I do know that I dont WANT to. I feel like all of my choices have been taken away from me and I am mad as hell! The simple fact that he feels thats its ok to come here, even tho he is afraid I will be mad, (according to his mom) yet doesnt feel he should give me any kind of heads up makes my head spin. With no way to contact him and not enough time to have his family come pick up his things, I am stuck right now and trying to figure out the best way to handle this. seeking peace, jeannie
-- Edited by liljeannie at 06:38, 2008-11-08
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Jeannie, You do realize that no one can "make" you allow him his way? Picking up a few lines from your post made me wonder why you would allow him back in your home. *he is in no way ready for this....and neither am I. *Now I have to miss work on Monday so that I CAN be here, b/c I will be damned if he will just walk in here *The panic comes from knowing what I have to do *I have been working hard at detaching and had been preparing myself for ending this relationship *I am let floundering and worrying about what will happen here when he arrives. * I am not ready for him to be here *I dont know that I can handle that kind of pressure, but I do know that I dont WANT to. *I feel like all of my choices have been taken away from me Your choices are still yours. Clearly you are giving up your power, your right of choice. "No" is a complete sentence and works really well :) Choice is huge in our lives once we realize we have it. We are offered paths in life and more times then not we are allowed to choose which way to go. If your gut is saying no! no! no!, why say yes? You don't "have" to miss work. Could you not simply change the lock and not disrupt your life by missing work? Could you not arrange to have his things picked up later when it is more convenient? He obviously has gotten by w/o them for 3 weeks. You don't HAVE to be manipulated or controlled by anyone or anyone's circumstances. The only thing you are responsible for is your own.
You have every right to leave all of this with the A and his Mother. Who made all this your concern? Who took this on? Who has control? Who made you feel helpless and in a panic?
*Lovingly holding up a mirror*
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
At age 15, my oldest AD decided to steal the neighbors' new truck and go for a joyride (I had the key to their house as I was petsitting for them on holiday and she stole it).
She had already been in-patient 30 days at an excellent adolescent facility, and I sent her back there.
I was in the middle of studying for final exams in college algebra and anatomy & physiology, and they cut her loose after 10 days because the medical card wouldn't pay for another full 30 days in-patient.
I was livid, and ended up with a 15 year old twice as rebellious and 10 times as angry with me than before she went in the second time.
I can only say that God carried me through that and I passed both classes.
No matter what I did for that AD over the years, it never made a hoot's difference. She's 30 years old, in and out and in and out of jail, has lost custody of her kids, hasn't worked since high school, and will never change.
She KNOWS where the help is. AA is free. Rehab is NOT a magical cure.
She is not welcome in my home except for the few times she's stopped by to see her elderly dog I took in over three years ago, and back out the door she goes. She knows to call in advance, or the door is locked.
I had 30 days of rehab and as soon as I got out, I landed a full-time job within a week. I was a single parent of a then 8 year old daughter, and it was sink or swim for me. The truth of the matter was I wanted to stay sober more than anything, so I had to change myself and the way I handled life.
Focusing on the fact that his insurance refused to pay any more isn't going to help. Who's to say he would be any different had he been able to stay the entire 6 weeks?
As for you staying home on Monday, you are allowing him to control you. You put yourself right back in victim mode if you do that, in my opinion.
You don't have to clean this mess up, you don't have to let him in if you choose that path.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I do understand all of what all of you are saying....I KNOW it is my life and therefore, ALL choices are my own. ...with the exception of allowing him in here. He is on the lease, so legally, he has every right to be here. I have spoken to my landlord and he told me he can not change the locks. He has his house key with him. I am not comfortable going to work while he is here in my home without supervision. I have seeen his temper first hand and I know he can and will be spiteful. I do not trust him here without my being here...hence why I have to miss work on Monday. I am not worried that he will manipulate me into doing what he wants...I believe I am stronger than that now, I am just concerned that he will react and not act and that this will be far more ugly than it needs to be. I do not want any member of his family in my home trying to convince me on his behalf, which is what his mother has been doing since he left. As far as setting up a time that is convenient for me for him to come and get his things, well, again, he has a key and is free to come and go as he wishes, and those things he did without for three weeks, he will need to go back to work. I am not in such a panic anymore...nor am I overly angry, I just want it done, and not having had the option to do things in the way I wanted them to be done really fired me up. I had no plan B in case of early release. I thought I had more time and would be able to have his things moved while he was gone. Now i am just taking deep breaths and trying to relax and allow things to happen whatever way they will. I KNOW it will work itself out in the manner in which it is supposed to. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
The A who I was with took it for granted he could pick me up when he felt like it. I guess it was a "given" because I had so much unresolved need I always let him back. Gradually over time I worked this program and that changed. These days I do not over react in the same way but it was a long hard haul.
If you don't want to be there for him then don't be there. Go about your daily life and act "as if". Of course that is easier said than done. I spent years speculating with others on why the A acted as he did. The fact is he was an alcoholic and chose to be one. That was and is the bottom line. He had many options for recovery and chose to pursue none of them.
I don't think it was easy for me to get to that. I spent years wondering "why" then I put into place the "what'.
I know where you are coming for the part that i leave out of my post earlier was that my A told his mother that they was kicking him out, but the thurh is he leave early on his own because he did not was to wait over the weekend to get in the other programs. I am having to watch want I post when he is up and looking over my sholder. He would get ever up set to know that I an putting this ion the internet.
I guess I'm still not quite getting it. In the previous post I assumed it was "your" home, not his, by your statements. If you can't keep him out and he has a key, what happens on Tuesday, Wed, Thurs etc.? Who will "supervise" him then if he chooses not to leave.? Why would his temper flare if you went to work? Especially since you supposedly don't know he's coming home and he doesn't know you want him to leave?
Since his name is on the lease you may not be able to control this situation unless he agrees to leave. If he does leave he is still legally responsible for his part of the rent. He may have an issue with that since it is his place as much as yours and he is legally bound to the lease.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
and if you dont know what to do do nothing, by that I mean dont feel pressured into doing anything you are not 100% sure of.