The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today celebrates (yes, celebrates!) the 2 week mark since my Ah moved out. We have a 4 yr old together and so we still have regular contact. As far as where we are going from here,I do not know! What I do know is that I am more at peace. My irregular heart palpatations have significantly reduced. My sons stutter has relaxed. I've enjoyed doing some things that I haven't done in a long time, different activities and a trip to visit friends out of town last weekend, where the topic of Ah having been moved out didn't even come up!!! Some days I go into fantasy mode of "maybe one day we'll find peace, happiness and serenity together". And maybe one day we will. But for now, I am going to seek that out on my own, because that's what I want in my life for me and for my son. I want that for my Ah too, but he's gotta do the things that bring that to him.
The other day, after him not calling our son at bedtime for two nights in a row as originally planned, I text'd him and asked if he could stick to the schedule of calling _____each night at bedtime because I think that is a very good thing for _______! The next day, he accused me of being angry and sending him this nasty message, and do I think I REALLY need to tell him to call his son??? I did get sucked in and went into defensive mode of "apparently I do, if you're not doing it on your own!" and explaining that it wasn't nasty, it was that I think its a good system and I'd like it stuck to..." He went into, "I fell asleep, where's your understanding?, I had just been at the house a few hrs before, why would I call?" Then I said, "if this is something you'd like to change, and can't commit to, that's okay, just say so, and then I won't expect it".
GRRRrrrrrr....then it's times like those that I extinguish those fantasies of ever finding peace and happiness with him. So, then I let that idea go and tell myself it's still okay to find peace and happiness with me!!
So far that's working. Essentially, I am learning that I don't need him to be happy, and in most instances, being involved with him in my life is a little counterproductive!! Sure would be nice to have a "leave it to beaver family" for my son's sake, which is what has kept me planted in dysfunction for so long I think, trying to make something work that doesn't! At this point, I have both eyes wide open, and I am trying my best to separate from WHAT IS and WHAT I WISH WAS!!! And as a former "what if?-er" ( ), I choose now to be a "What if NOT?-er". What if I don't move forward? What if I don't empower myself to seek happiness? What if I don't exemplify a better life for my son? What if I don't???? Thanks for reading!
You must be so proud of yourself. To take the jouney you have with your son in just a matter of weeks!!!!! You have come so far, and seem to be looking forward to the journey ahead. As I am sure you know, there is no such thing as the "Leave it to Beaver" family. Just scratch under the surface of any family that looks that way on the outside will uncover flaws they are having to deal with. You are doing great! and thanks for sharing what you have learned.
Way to work it Rora.......we are survivors, you and I, and lots more folk here. We can do it. We just have to trust in HP, work our program, and it will all fall into place. (((((hugs)))))))))))to your son. You can teach him a lot, just from him watching you! Love in Recovery, Becky1
the only thing stopping you from being a better mom , finding yourself Is YOU. with the help of this prog and the people in it u have no idea where it will take you . Be easy with you go gently into changing your life . Sooner or later your son will have to learn that dad cannot be counted on , husb knows to call son let it go and make husb responsible for his own behavior , stop trying to make him look good . we cannot make others keep thier promises , I know it's hard to see kids hurt bt they do adjust and learn to accept parents alot faster than we do as adults . kids are amazing they love us anyway even with all of our faults . relax keep the focus on you and your son . Your worth it .
I lived, ate breathed frustration in dealing with the A. Detaching was a long hard haul for me. I did it and had to practice a great deal. There is a lot of worth in detaching. There is a saying in al anon we don't go to the butchers to buy bread. I was compulsive about going to the wrong places to get my needs met.
Abbiyal-thanks for the post. I am open to the fact that I have a lot to learn. Having said that, your post struck a chord with me. You suggest, "husb knows to call son let it go and make husb responsible for his own behavior , stop trying to make him look good" Is that what I am doing when I am making a request of him? If I "let it go" as suggested, does that mean, that I have no right to an opinion or suggestion? To detach from my Ah, does that mean that I am not to state what my preferences are? To pretend that I just don't give a rats-patootie about anything, as though nothing is really important enough to really mention or talk about?
And what about the , "don't go to the hardware store for bread"? If I can't go to my Ah for emotional support, reasonable behaviour, sound advice, etc. Then does he REALLY know to call? Does husb REALLY know to call son? Does he know the "what - if - nots" to that? Does he REALLY know why that needs to happen? If he's not capable of a healthy relationship with me, does he REALLY know how to do that with son? Does the slate just get wiped clean and I am to enter into an agreement that I will never have an expectation of him again nor will I ever make an investment into him, like sharing information, expectations, insight, etc?
So what if everyone in the world just gave up on ME? What if everyone took the stance of "Rora knows". Don't say anything to her, because, she already knows. What if everyone decided that even if they had some information for me, they just uniformly decided to never ever share it. That I should just know on my own. How would I ever know how to relate to them? What if I thought, "wow, no one likes me. Everyone is being rather evasive and unaffected by me. I feel like I don't matter." And what if I really didn't know, it's just everyone thought I was supposed to know? What if I didn't know how to be ....
These are my questions of today....sigh...maybe when I read this back in the future, I'll just realize this was not a good day!
Sounds like you are doing great Rora, and good for you....
Two comments, from a parent who went through the split up w/ alcoholic spouse, etc, when my kids were really small....
1. Although it's really hard not to, try not to "own" your child's relationship with his son.... You can only be responsible for you, and your relationship with your son.... When my kids used to ask "why does mommy ______", I learned to tell them (honestly) - "I'm not sure honey, but please know that you are loved and safe".
2. I found that the late night phone calls sometimes tend to just upset the young kids anyhow..... My boy, in particular, would get himself all wound up if he talked to his mom late at night, and vice versa when he would call me at bedtime before he went to bed at his Mom's....
Just food for thought Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You just got thru running thru one phase of my recovery journey. I am glad that I had a great sponsor by my side and the Family Group members and meetings with their strong ESH. Hearing my sponsor tell me about keeping balance by "what if notting" while I was always "what iffing" did what it was intended to do...stop me from trying to figure everything out by myself. If I had it all figured out I would have no need for a Higher Power, sponsor or program of recovery because I would have proved that I could do it all by my self. Of course I couldn't...that is why I was in the program. Trying to have the answers to everything was part of the unmanagability of my powerlessness and denial. There are no pat answers and I am not a fortune teller nor should I project into the future. From obvious unmanagability I learn to "stop doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". I learned how to stop, Let go and let God, not react, Easy does it. I am not supposed to be the know it all. I am not the designated umpire of everyones' life. I had not done a very good job of my own so I didn't have the answers.
I also learned about the many obvious and subtle ways I attempted to control my alcoholic wife and I stopped those things also doing the same slogans and the same practice of "Turning it Over" (to my HP), talking to my sponsor, going to meetings and meetings after the meetings (coffee) with oldtimers. I loved and miss those coffees. I learned soooo much in the relaxed atmosphere of a restaurant big corner table. Often times I didn't even have the coins to buy the coffee. We 7th traditioned even at coffee.
Recovery is about progress. Participation and practice is about progress. Participation, practice and patience is about more progress. Going for a miracle is humbling and I have learned that the definition of humility is being teachable. Another thing I learned from service in the Alateen program is that the young know more about loving unconditionally than I as an adult did. I am grateful for them for the lessons they taught me. While I use to sit as a sponsor in their meetings and hurt for them and be angry at their alcoholics they were learning to understand and unconditionally accepting their alcoholics because loving is what they wanted to do and what came naturally for them. When did I forget to do that I asked? They didn't care because they knew I could learn to get it back and they would love me until and after I did.
Keep coming back this program works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
), I choose now to be a "What if NOT?-er".
