The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, many of you know the history with my teen daughter and my fears about her exhibiting alcoholic/addict behavior. So she is very in your face and thinks she can say or do whatever she wants with no consequences and I have no way to enforce rules. Last night she got in trouble for shoplifting with her friend at Walmart, she claims innocence - what else is new? Nothing is ever her fault. So we get into a fight (I'm leaving for Washington state from NC tomorrow at 7am) and she runs out. I smacked her, I'm guilty there but it's far from "abuse". She never came home. I called the police. She did make it to school today but I can't take the screaming and constant button pushing any more. I have two other children to think about who witness the chaos all the time. She refuses to back down, she feels she can say any awful thing without any consequence. I'm very seriously considering sending her to a group home where she can have extensive structure. She has had the burden of being the other parent while I work a second job or any time I go out. But this has given her power over me that she should not have and she honestly believes that she is entitled to adult priveleges without adult responsibilities and when she is told no it's like unleashing the dogs of hell. I can't take anymore. The other children waver between defending her and being fearful of her because she is mean. She thinks that her life would be better somewhere else but this is on her terms like at a friend's house. I'm starting to agree because I don't have the self control to ignore her being in my face and allegations of abuse on her part if I hit her could ruin my career and cause damage to all of us. I'm at the end of my rope. I fear what the next four years will entail if I don't do something drastic. I wish I knew the right thing to do all of the time but I am starting to feel that if she doesn't straighten up very soon it's going to be a very bad path ahead in her future. I have so much guilt over this about giving up my baby, that I wasn't a good enough parent, that she will feel I don't love her because I'm "getting rid of her" as she would say. I want to call it normal teenager behavior but I don't really believe that I think it's extreme and she's becoming a danger to herself and the example she's setting is dangerous for the future of my other two children and my own future. I won't know the result unless I try. I'm scared either thing will be wrong and will damage her. I'm afraid if I don't she's going to end up dead on the side of the road trying to prove something and she sees it all as a game.
Any experience with this (I know a lot of you have some) would be helpful to me... anyone tried boot camp or a group home for an out of control teen? How did it work out? Anyone think that would have helped but didn't do it?
I feel for you. I've experienced this with my younger son who is now 32. I believe he is an A too. Thank God I had my husband who could deal with him much better than me. He was in therapy which did help. I was told that I need to take a back seat to giving him consequences and let his dad do the disciplining. He really knew how to push my buttons and I flew off the handle in a rage many times. He would badger me until I gave in which I did most of the time or I felt like I was going to lose my mind. It was a horrible couple of years and I thought about boot camp too. He also had a lot of food allergies that contributed to his outbursts. I wish I could give you some answers. A little bit of esh that I can tell you is to follow through on any consequences that you dish out. Maybe dish them out after you have settled down and are not so angry so the consequences will fit the crime. I went wrong there and could never follow through. My son told me when he was older that he knew if he kept at it long enough I would break. Sure wish I knew how to do it then.
It's a toughie...especially as a single parent.
Gail ps---Debilyn can probly give you some pointers on this one.
I don't have any comments or suggestions, other than it would seem that this conversation would be best had with her - tell her exactly what you told us, but not in a rage or a fight - when you are both calm and rational.... Open up to her, and get really honest with her....
Kids DO listen, but not likely to threats, etc.... Be real with her.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((((CG)))))) I am sooo sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time with your daughter. I am a single mom also and can understand the added weight it carries. I also have a BF who is going through something similiar with his teen daughter. She has hit HIM, spit and cursed him, stolen cars and wrecked them putting herself and others in the hospital, he has almost lost everything and is being sued now by the parents of the last child his daughter wrecked in the car with. He has called police, sheriff's department and talked to juvenile justice and no one has been able to help him. I advised him that I would seriously try some "tough love" or the girl is going to waste her entire life. There was a program I heard of once called "teen challenge" that was supposed to help troubled teens. With other children in the home and you being in a position where accusations can cost you your job you have to put yourself and your other children first and foremost. As your rebel daughter grows older she will understand why you had to make the choices you did and she will thank you for it. I was ANYTHING but a great daughter and grew up in a single parent home (my father passed away when I was 2)....... I ran away, dated boys from group homes and was kicked out of school for many things, and fought non stop-however I NEVER disrespected my mother or allowed anyone else too. Looking back today I realize that the only real friend I had was my mom. Please take care of you and your children. I'll keep ya in my prayers!
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I tried to get help for my then 15 year old, including SRS, but no one would do a thing until she either ran away or tried to commit suicide, and that was a direct quote from SRS and Good Shepherd, which is a short-term adolescent facilty for teens in crisis.
Well, she did end up running away with a 24 year old predator. She was in juvie lockup for 60 days, they briefly tried her in a group home, but she ran the second night, so she ended up in a foster home that specialized in high risk teenagers.
It was the best thing that ever happened for both of us, painful though it was at the time.
She found out that home wasn't so bad after all.
Part of my mandated part was to attend parenting classes geared towards parenting teens, and it was great.
She was released back to me after a year in foster care, but still as a ward of the state. St. Francis, who did the placement for SRS (who is now privatized) did a home visit every week for a month, then every two weeks, then once a month for a year total.
She was UA'd on a random basis, had to sign a behavioral contract before she ever came home, and we both took a lot of good things away from that.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Man, CG!!! I am sure you've already thought about these things but what about Big Sisters or church youth groups and individual counseling? If she doesn't like these things or the people running them, move on to the next thing. I have no great advice as I am in a similar position.
What I remind myself of daily is I REFUSE to feel sorry for my kids and what they have gone thru. My mother felt sorry for me and then she felt guilt for her part in things and so she gave me NO boundries. And I behaved very much like your daughter. And to this day, my mother and I have no relationship at all.
I know my 13 yr old gets an attitude and I seriously think I just want to ship her off. That I am not up to the job of raising her all on my own. But, then I think of the reality of doing just that and how it would really effect me and her and our future. Really, I am not at that point.
I get overwhelmed and then everything she does sets me off. She has all sorts of responsibility that many her age don't have but so what? WHy is that a bad thing? You have to work, she has to watch the younger ones. So. Responsibility is not a bad thing.
But no, I never was sent to one of those camps. I had friends who had PINS petitions put on them and a couple who's parents stuck them in foster homes. I can't say it made a whole lot of difference. They turned out to be drug addicts anyway. But they are very loving, understanding people...who have never had kids themselves.
((((CG)))) I'm sorry for all your troubles with your daughter. I'm not really sure what to say as I don't have kids and was not an addict in my teens. I did start to rebel when I was living with my aunt because she was too strict and never let me out of the house. But, I'm sure you are trying your best. I would say listen to your HP and inner self for guidence and wisdom as to what to do. Good luck!!
Christina
P.S. you know your daughter better then anyone else so only you can know for sure what might/might not work for her. Take it one day at a time.
I was a crappy teenager and I managed to turn out OK in the end. Try to not get so involved in their trauma and drama. Give her to god/HP, wrap her up in a blanket and pass her off to him. Step back. Let her make her own choices and suffer her own consequences. If she wants to steal at Walmart, she can go right ahead and do that and suffer the consequences. If you need to leave on your trip, just go and leave her to her own devices. She needs to hit her rock bottom also and I actually think its better to let them do that sooner than later in life- I have seen a lot of teens/youth scare themselves straight. Although there are also the few that kill themselves in the process also. Its so hard but its all in gods hands. They have to work it out for themselves. Hugs, J.
