The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have seen (on this board) and heard (at meetings) a lot about loving oneself. SoI guess my question is what does that look like? I grew up in an alcoholic home my first qualifier was my dad. Two days after I graduated from high school I married my second qualifier; I have known him since I was sixteen. We have since divorced and I no longer (for about five years) have contact with him except for the every so often late night drunken messages left on my answering machine. My family, both the one I grew up with and the one I tried to create, have been torn apart. I have two grown sons 19 and 23, who will have nothing to do with me. I have fears over exactly what my 19 year old is into considering the circumstances in which he left to go live with his dad. The 23 year old I dont really know much about due to no contact unless he needs money. My father passed away13 years ago due to alcoholism. My mother passed away almost 3 years ago from cancer. Nine months before she passed away I had a sister (the only sibling I was close to) who passed away from cancer. Since then everything has fallen apart. It has been a choosing of sides with the rest of my siblings. I have made a choice not to participate in this and have been disowned. Not that the relationships before this was much better. I am grateful I have found Alanon, even though not any other members of my family has. I am grateful I can come here. Any input or feedback on my question would be greatly appreciated.
''It has been a choosing of sides with the rest of my siblings. I have made a choice not to participate in this and have been disowned. Not that the relationships before this was much better.''
I felt compelled to reply to your post. I too am a ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and have suffered the consequences of this. They say Alcoholism is a family disease and its effect can be seen across the whole family.I was disowned by my family for refusing to participate in the destructive behaviour same as what you described. I had no contact for five years, in a way I think I almost removed myself from them, I just couldnt take any more. With the help of Alanon I understand them better, I also understand me better. There is tons of literature around the subject of ACOA and codependancy which for me was a result of being brought up in such a family. Learning to love yourself can be hard, for me it has become easier since I found out why I am the way I am, why my life had gone the way it had. Read as much as you can, go to f2f meetings, be gentle on yourself. Keep coming back you will find great strength and wisdom here. There is also tons of love here plenty to fill the space, whilst you work out how to love yourself.
I can relate very much. My own family of origin is an alcohol soaked mess of enmeshment. I no longer take that so personally. In theory at least I have been on my own all my life.
I'm not sure that something that is dysfunctional falls apart. I think it is actualy broken to start with. My family or origin was certainly damaged beyond repair long before I was born. My two sisters have chosen alcohol as a way to deal with their issues. They have also actively chosen denial. I have not. I'm not sure even if they were in recovery we would be able to be a "happy family".
I chose broken men all my life. My last A was the icing on the cake. He took it all the way to the bottom. He still calls I do not answer. That is the difference now with Al anon I turned him over I no longer feel responsible for him and his issues. They are his to deal with and I have mine.
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... I don't know whether I have any answers for you, other than to suggest that you are already taking some really positive steps for yourself, and stand a great chance of being the one in your family to "break the chain" - so kudos to you!
Loving yourself takes awhile, and isn't a "perfect science" for anyone of us, but it starts with getting to know yourself, and learning to appreciate your good traits, and not beating yourself up too much about those traits you'd like to change..... Programs such as Al-Anon, and/or CoDA can really help with this, as they really encourage positive self reflection and growth. Books such as "Courage to Change" are daily reminders, with positive, uplifting reassurances....
Take care, and once again - you sound like you are on the right track...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think loving yourself has to do with first and foremost really meeting yourself, get acquainted with yourself and then getting to know who you truly are which takes quite a bit of time and a great deal of focus which is so dang hard for us because we were raised NOT to do this and only focus our attention and time on the alcoholics around us 24/7 from the moment we were born (run on sentence, I know!). Then, once we move in that direction, we so slowly begin to actually value ourselves. We begin to actually ask: "what do I desire, now?" and "what do I want now?" and "what is my preference here?" which for us is totally radical and almost impossible to imagine because of how we were raised and the kind of families we come from. Asking this radical question: "what would please me today?" is almost inconceivable to many of us. Its like we have blinders. I think honestly loving yourself takes a long time. It is still very hard for me. I am still working on not hating myself. I am getting pretty good at that but actually loving myself? Maybe when I am 80. Hugs, Jean
I myself grew up around addicts. Mine did not actually have it around me for the most part. And most where loving to me. I think my issues stem from other sources like emotional and verbal abuse from other people. It has been a struggle for me to love myself. I think coming to Al-anon is a great step. I also focus on myself and am trying to do what's best for me. I might never love myself completely but I can at least try to put myself first.
"I have seen (on this board) and heard (at meetings) a lot about loving oneself. SoI guess my question is what does that look like?"
I am sure what it "looks like" is different for everyone. For me, it was being able to look myself in the mirror and seeing a better, stronger, my content person. I am able to see a wiser, calmer, more in control person. I have come to accept me for who I really am. I have flaws, and scars from my past, but I feel great knowing that there are some changes I am making to smooth away the flaws and I am working on healing the scars. My family doesn't understand what they are doing to each other, and I feel bad for them. I wish they would stop, and look at themselves to see where the conflicts come from. I can wish it, but I cannot make it happen. I cannot control them, nor do I want to try anymore. (something I learned here). I can only control myself, my actions and my re actions. Its very hard for me because I was always considered a "leader" in my family, helping everyone with their problems, trying to solve them for them. IMPOSSIBLE. Becoming the "black sheep" in the family was very hard for a while, but then I realized it gave me more time to work on myself. Now I feel strong enough to be there for any of them, if they ever come to me for support if or when they are ready to change. I am only willing to lead by example now.
I wish you well in your journey, and please know you are not alone. We are here for you along your path to recovery.
