The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok so my lack of trust and abundance of fear have gotten me into a position of lockdown - almost making myself physically sick. So it occurred to me that some if not most of the thoughts and beliefs in my mind must be wrong. My husband and I are both Alcoholic - I haven't had a drink in over 7 years. I am extremely tired of myself up, and always finding my "defects" of character and his. I was once told by a therapist that i lose myself in relationships - at the time I was on a sort of high after a divorce and in denial that it could happen again. I have been going crazy with self-help books and now I feel neurotic. I don't want to play the victim and I don't want to sit around and bash my husband (I love him) I also don't want to swim around in an eternal fourth step and darkness. What exactly does al-anon give you. what is the result of healthy recovery (the benefits) of it? is it possible to find yourself in a relationship?
welcome to MIP , is it possible to find yourself in a relationship ? u bet it is . but it takes time and patience which it seems most of us don't have . In Al-Anon we dont talk about or bash the alcoholic ,understanding brings compassion which led me to detaching from his stuff and focusing my recovery. I had a part in the insanity and by taking responsibility for that I was able to forgive him and myself eventually . and work on becomming the person I want to be . When I came to this prog I didn't think we had a hope in hell of saving this marriage I stayed for my sons , realizing that by my attitude I had done alot of damage emotionally to them , I was reasured that if I worked this prog I could repair the damage I had done . I have been married for 43 yrs , first 25 he drank and the rest sober . I found out who I was and changed what I didn't like about myself , It only takes one person to change to create change. Finding defects arent the end of the search I now have to change them ,which keeps me busy hehe. As a recoverying alcoholic u are welcomed in our program and refered to as a dual member , if u have time in your week please search out a meeting and give us a few months and see how u feel then . and again welcome to MIP , we have meetings on this site twice a day 9am and pm eastern time that will give u some idea of what to expect at a f2f meeting . good luck Louise
I'll share with you what I've gained from Al-anon ..... peace. When my husband and I met, we both partied and had a lot of fun. After we were married and had kids, I chose to clean up my act for my kids. I didn't enjoy drinking anymore, and gave it up. My husband didn't. Life rolled on and he ended up severely addicted to crack, and entered a rehab to get clean. That brought me to Al-anon; they had a "family support group" and it was suggested I attend the meetings while he was in rehab so I could get some support myself. That was four years ago, and I have found this site invaluable. I attended face to face meetings for about two years, but with children found it easier to attend meetings on-line. I absolutely love it here! I know I can express my feelings, ask questions, and hear (read) others stories which in turn eases my burdens. It is so good to know you are not alone in any situation. "Strength in numbers"! My husband has given up "most" of his bad habits, but every now and then I know he's using something to "calm him down" as he says. But today, I am not neurotic in dealing with him. I love him and have learned how to cope. Don't get me wrong, I don't accept him using any drug, but I can calmly approach him and discuss my reasons for being uncomfortable instead of throwing things, screaming at him, and threatening him. My life is better today, thanks to Al-anon and the things I've learned here.
What do I get out of Al-anon? Not one thing I expected. I expected to be judged, to be told what to do, told how to do it. What I got was understanding, encouragement, and some great guidance on how to improve myself. Not directly, not preaching,,,,,, but just by listening to others, seeing myself in them and sharing my feelings. I feel a sense of "family" here. I am honored to be with people who truly care about me, and I truly care about them. They understand what I am going through on my good days and my bad ones. Sometimes I just go into the chat room and listen. Sometimes I go in and chat away. I am allowed to share, and I feel good when someone shares with me. I know now that I can not change anyone else. I have to change myself. Change the way I look at life. The great thing is, I am doing it. I am taking steps to make my life what I want it to be. No one here tells me how fast i should be stepping, nor blames me if I take a few steps back sometimes. They just encourage me to find the best ME I can. Welcome, and I hope you can get some of what I have gotten from this wonderful place.
I don't want to play the victim and I don't want to sit around and bash my husband (I love him) I also don't want to swim around in an eternal fourth step and darkness. What exactly does al-anon give you. what is the result of healthy recovery (the benefits) of it? is it possible to find yourself in a relationship?
Aloha Ash and welcome. There are tons of AA members who are qualified for the Al-Anon Family Groups and who work both programs for right reasons.
I relate to your "I don'ts" and what exactly did al-anon give me? Permission to STOP it all and turn it all and myself over to my HP. I stop for the same reason I do whenever I over work at anything, because I am tired and most sane people rest when they are tired and "set aside" all of the work until they are most rested. I also learned to take "little bites" out of the issue and chew throughly before swallowing it or allowing myself to spit it out when it didn't taste good. Even children do that. I got permission to do that also. It's called "letting go". I learned not to "spit" it all over the place and people who were in relationship with me. I spit it into the garbage can, didn't take it with me to meetings or other social events. Others aren't responsible for my choices. Al-Anon taught me that healthy living was a consequence of healthy choices and healthy behaviors. Al-Anon taught me to self love and from that not to choose to place myself within unhealthy situations even if the only other person involved was me. I lost my compulsion to obsess about everything including the program as I thought I knew it.
That has led me into the most important relationship I have ever learned to have...the one with myself. I didn't choose the relationship with my HP. My HP started that one long before I could burp. How I do in my relationship with others and myself is my concern and Al-Anon, thru the will of my HP has done all the leading.
Welcome to the family. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for ESH from others or share the growth you have earned to help another. The program will love you while it teaches you how to love yourself and then love others.
For me it was a place to go with my pain. It has given me answers to my questions. It has taught me a way of life. We are all flawed and that is ok. Find a meeting, read the literature, and keep coming back.
I know what you mean. I used to bash my fiance and get so angry as to why he wouldn't just change. Now I realize that he can't change his disease unless he really wants to change. Right now he dosen't and I have to accept that. It drove me crazy too before I found Alanon. I can also relate to what you said about losing yourself in the relationship because I felt the same way many times. But, now I know Alanon is about recovery for myself and taking care of ME.
It keeps me balanced. It gives me hope. It allows me comfort. It reminds me I have choices. It helps me to stay focused on myself. It is gentle when I need that in my life due to trials. It is direct when I am ready for that. It keeps things simple. It helps me to grow. It puts it in terms that I can understand. It helps me be my best. It helps me realize all that I am grateful for. It gets me back to healthy thinking.
al anon has given me so much that its hard to put in words. I agree that withu al anon I would be in a eternal karpman's triangle, fix, direct and control my dear friend Marie puts it here. I would either be a victim, feel resentful or be rescuing someone.
I found it very hard to step out of the triangle. Recently I wrote one of my friends that if she didn't stop trying to fix, direct or control me I'd stop communicating. I meant it. I meant very little in my life before al anon. Al anon helped me to get boundaries, good flexible boundaries like hedges you can see through them. Al anon helped me to get perspective.
I stopped taking other peoples inventories. I am of course aware of their issues but their issues are not as important as my own. My own issues are what I work on day and night and it is work.
I am glad you are here. I took a long long time to get warm to al anon I came here for a long long time as a "victim" and people always welcomed me and cared for me.
Wow! Thanks for all the kind supportive replies. Definitely sounds like what I'm looking for. I many times hesitate in reaching out for help for fear of being told to "get over it" or I assume that the person I reach out to isn't going to listen and I'll just get another cliche answer or lecture or judgment. things are good on the outside lately (healthy and beautiful two year old, husband does a lot to show that he loves me) I have a lot to be greatful for. I seem to be having trouble letting go of past hurts. the one that hurts the most is that I fell away from my truth and sort of assumed everyone else could meet all of my needs and that they actually knew or should know what they are (aren't they psychic?- Haha) Then I either resented them for not knowing not doing or (even crazier) doing it for me. After all don't they know how much I do and put up with. Well obviously this doesn't work for me or the other person. I've got work to do. Any suggestions? I think I am also holding a grudge from two months ago. I stood my ground on an issue (checked with HP and another) and AH didn't like it = big fight him leaving and drinking. Everything got smoothed over except that I'm pissed now that I actually went on that emotional roller coaster (I mean you would have thought someone had died). Now I'm afraid that if I stand my ground again that the same thing will happen again - is it really worth it? Yet at the same time I have no choice but to be true to me. So today I took the day off from work (my second day off to myself in over two years) to do nothing. Feels good and scary at the same time. Friday I will go to an al-anon meeting. Thanks for letting me vent!
Oh MY,,,,,,, I saw myself in your comment "aren't they psychic?". I figured that they should be sooooooooo grateful for all my forgiviness and support that they should be able to see inside me, and give me as much as I had given them. GUESS WHAT, it doen't work that way! My A used my ability to forgive and support against me. Because he know I would, he could just keep doing what he did, and I would just do the same old thing...over and over and over again. He was able to go on with life as usual, with no regards to me or my feelings. Life was good for him, and awful for me. I guess he was "psychic", he could see what I would do. Once I realized what was happening..... that I was allowing myself to get on his roller coaster, and giving him control as to where it was going, and how fast it would go, I was giving him permission to do it. I was just a passanger on his crazy, out of control ride. I am on my own roller coaster now. Mine is far less crazy, and I have learned where the breaks are. When I find it speeding up too fast, I can slow it down. Its not easy for me, nor do I think it will be easy for you. Give yourself time, and keep taking time for YOU. It is possible to enjoy the ride.
