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I never really thought of this as a major issue until recently. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we are now thinking about moving in together. He goes out a few times a night to hang with his friends and drink. I used to drink a little with my friends but not to the extent that he does. He drives home after drinking and I really hate this. I realize I cannot control what he does and I'm scared to constantly tell him how it makes me feel. I have told him in the past that I do not like it and it worries me but he has made no change. I tell him to call me when he's home so I know he is safe but often he passes out at home before he can do that. So I worry more. I don't know what it's like to be this way. And I don't know how to classify his drinking. I don't like to be around him when he is drinking because in the past it hasn't been very good. So, my biggest concern is, what it will be like to live with him. Can anyone here give me any advice about what to do in situations where he comes home and he's been drinking? I know I'll be upset and that won't do any good but I wonder now if moving in together is even a good idea. I really don't know what to do. I know I should talk to him but I really don't know what to say or how to say it without seeming defensive or resentful. Thanks for hearing me out
Hi Nicegirl and welcome to MIP. Like you, I do not drink. And I don't like drunks! It is not easy, believe me to live with someone with a drinking problem, and I would not do it. Not knowing what I know now. I am not advising you, I am merely telling you how I feel about it.
I divorced my husband after finding out he is an alcoholic. I didn't know it when we married. He had been many years sober, so did not bother to tell me. What a shock when he became a falling down, throwing up drunk right before my eyes. YIKES!! He binges. Hasn't had a drink for a couple of weeks now, and continually tells me he has had his last drink. Yeah. Right.
We are stil together, and for the life of me, I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I love the sober man, and continue to hope he will gain total sobriety. But do it over again? NO WAY!!!
If there is an AlAnon meeting you can get to, by all means go. There is a lot to be learned, and the learning is all directed at you.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
welcome and I agree with diva ,find a meeting near you and attend a few months before making a decission to move . It's ok to love an alcoholic ,and it really dosen't matter how much he drinks what matters is how it affects you when he does . Al-Anon will help u make an informed decission not one based on emotions alone . We keep the focus on ourselves and allow the A to live his l ife the way he chooses . U may have noticed that threats don't work , pleading dosent work , tears don't work . your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you , this is his to fix leave it with him . We are enablers , we treat them like children , do for them what they should do for themselves and not allow them to grow up al lin the name of love ????? I used to ask my sons to call home when they arrived at thier destination , but they were teens then your bf is a big boy . allow him the dignity to make his own choices while u learn to focus on your own needs for a change .
The suggestion of getting to face to face meetings in your area is the best. It was the best for me and from attendance of many of them over time I learned alot. Only one of the things I learned was the slogan regarding decision making. "When in doubt don't" for me was a thought and behavior slogan and also a permission from my sponsor to not try to make decisions when I was really not sure about what was happening, what would continue to happen if nothing changed and my habit of making lousey decisions for the wrong reasons...like agreeing to marry my alcoholic while I was having thoughts of parting with her because she drank uncontrollably. How's that for rational thinking?
Sitting in face to face meetings allows you to listen to so many people who have been where you are at now and who have learned to make their decisions and share the outcomes of those decisions with others. That is how we learn to do things different and gain hopefully better outcomes.
Another thing I learned was to read or listen to my share as if I were someone else and see how I thought and felt about it from that perspective.
So the other suggestion would be for you to read you post as if you were someone else and see how it comes out for you.
Keep coming back is a best suggestion for me also. You can use it if you like.
I found myself in a situation much like yours.... I was in love with a man that drank more than I liked, and he was a bad drunk. We lived in seperate houses, so I could just tell him to not call or come near me when he was drinking. Our relationship lasted for 3 years like that. He decided we should live together, and I even told him I thought it would end up destroying our relationship, but I agreed to let him move in. All of the sudden, his problem was there, right in my face. There was no place for him to go when he was drinking besides my home. I did all the regular stuff, complained about his behavior, screamed about his driving drunk, made excusses for him to my neighbors and my family. I got to the point that I didn't want anyone coming over because they might see him at a "bad time". I had to adjust my life to his,,,, not the other way around. I do not tell you this because I think it might happen in your situation. It could be different, but I just thought you might like to know how the whole thing worked out for me. He left me about a month ago. He said he couldn't take my complaining anymore. I had found myself being his "warden" instead of being his partner. I look back and see so many different things I could have done, should have done. Al-anon has been wonderful for me. I hope you do go to some meetings and make sure you know what your dealing with BEFORE you move in together. The chat room here has also been great for me. Take some time to make sure your doing what is best for you before you make a big change in your life.
Hi Nicegirl. I'm currently in the same situation. My fiance is in prison because of his drinking/addictions. When he get's home we are planning on living together and getting married. To be honest I'm a little worried because he says he will continue to drink. But, I do love him and want to be with him. I used to try to change him and get him to stop his drinking and behaviors but now I realize that won't happen unless he want's it to and right now he dosen't. So I have two choices. I can accept it and accept him for who he is and love him anyway or I can leave. I love him and have chosen to stay and accept him for who he is and that he has a disease. Does that excuse his behavior? No it dosen't. I still have to set boundaries and detach with love when I need to. Take what you like.
well al anon can certainly help you with the issue of how to take care of yourself. I was one of the world's biggest people pleasers till i came here. Now I cans say no and mean it.
