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Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted, but I'm back with another question.
When he's wandering around, beer in hand, and he asks me "What's wrong?" What the heck do I tell him? LOL
I'm trying to do my own thing and live for me and have a good night doing what I want to do and letting him do his thing (which means drink), but of course I don't act like I normally do around him when he's sober. I'm a little quieter and I only really talk to him to answer questions. I generally try to avoid him when he's drinking because I don't like to be around him when he's drinking. That simple. I don't yell, and I try not to give him the silent treatment or the angry treatment. (I've come far enough to realize that those reactions are pointless.) I just try to avoid him and am quiet, which makes him ask me... "What's wrong, honey?" I said "Nothing," but that's a lie. Yes, I'm still upset. But I'm trying to let go and telling him how upset I am won't make him stop drinking and it won't make me feel any better. What should I say next time? (Because we all know there will be one.)
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Body language is really important and it used to give me away all the time . Nothing with an attitude just didn't work for me . hehe You have a right to tell him his drinking bothers you , then let it go . and don't expect it will change anything it's just important that u speak up . prior to this program i was told i could look you in the face and say I am doin good but body said f%*^( off so I had to work on that alot .
When hubby asked, I told him. I didn't tell him meanly. I just told him. Why sugar coat it? I learned to tell him what I meant without getting upset or saying mean things to him. Funny he always knew what was bothering me. I guess that comes with knowing someone sober for so long and long before this disease reared it's ugly head. Now if there were times when I was having a bad day and he was pushing my buttons, then I would walk away. It took me awhile to learn that there's no use in arguing with someone who's been drinking. (Once in awhile I'd forget that!) Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Like abbyal, my body language is the window to my mood. "Nothing" used to be my pat answer when asked the ole "What's wrong?" question. But my body physically manifests that I am angry, sad, hurt, etc. (Kinda makes me think of Pinnochio....only my nose doesn't get longer..lol)
Program has taught me honesty is the best policy. When asked I answer as honestly and kindly as I can. When I do that, it feels soo great! The weight lifts and my mood often does improve. Other person may not like the answer, but hey, they asked! Seriously though, not being honest is just another manifestaton of how I deny myself, lie to my partner and practice my ninja training by walking on eggshells.
I'd propose that you tell him what you are thinking/feeling, but NOT while he is drinking.... Having conversations of depth with an active alcoholic is kinda like talking to a brick wall, or worse..... Maybe next time he asks, tell him - gently but firmly - "we'll talk about it tomorrow",and then talk to him about how you are feeling, before he has had a drink....
Just my two cents.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I to have the same find of problem. My A when drinking would sak the same question and I would tell he it was his drinking.We always got in big yelling makes until I started telling he that he ask and I had a right to tell him. He stop asking and would leave me alone when I was having trouble with his drinking. Now that he is sober we are having trouble talking about the past. He has a problem with the fact that a lot of things that happen in the past happen the way they did because of the family dease of alcoholism. So now we get in to small yelling matches and I stop yelling and tell him that I am not talking and he will ask (why is it all ways my fault becasue i drank a beer?). I have tryed to tell him and his conusler that i know the differents bewteen him and the dease of a but it is getting me no where and I do not know what to say any more on this to him that dose not make him mad.
I have to wonder, if he already knows what is bothering you, and just wants you to say "nothing" so he can go about his evening because it doesn't bother you? I know I was guilty of saying "you know what is bothering me, why are you asking?" It ended as you probably know, it gave him the right to be mad at me, because I was being "judgemental". He always said, "i dont have a problem with drinking, you have a problem with people who drink because of your dad". I knew that wasn't true, but it made what he was doing alright. I am sorry I have no suggestions on what to say, or how to handle the situation. Have you talked to him honestly about your feelings when he is sober? Have you asked him what he wants you to say when he already knows how you feel?
I wish you good luck in your journey through this situation and know there are people here who care.
When I finally let go and my exAH drank around me instead of running away to do it I found it easiest to be truthful without blaming.
"I am keeping busy, because seeing you drinking makes me sad. I don't want to nag you or pretend that everything is ok, so how about you do your thing and I will do mine tonight?"
If not those exact words it was similar, I only had to say it a couple of times and then it was just routine. That was my situation, it may not be safe or prudent in some relationships. I definitely had my fair share of angry body language, slammed doors, silent treatments, yelling before getting to that statement. I felt alot better after that statement than any of the other reactions.
I can relate to what you said about when he asks if everything is ok and you say yes. I do the same thing with my A. But when he keeps asking me I do tell him what's going on and be honest with him as best as I can. I usually as my HP to give me the words I should use to talk to him when I'm in doubt and don't know what to do or say. Trust your gut.
(((intothewoods))) - thanks for asking this question. I'm in the exact same place you are on this one - going about my business, letting him go about his, keeping quiet, etc....
I've been coming back to this thread to see what others have been sharing. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your feelings with the A and everyone's posts have given me something to think about as well as the inspiration to set aside my fear and respond honestly and kindly the next time my AH asks me if everything's OK.
