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These days I'm struggling a lot with guilt. My A has been rapidly deteriorating - while he has pretty much been drunk since the day we got married three years ago, these past few weeks he descended into some unknown territory which ended with him being busted with a DWI. I don't recognize him anymore. I kicked him out, forced him into rehab, which is where he is now. He will stay there for the next couple of months. While he has been making some progress and writing me letters describing feelings I didn't expect to hear from him, I still have my doubts and I'm worried about the day when he gets out and returns to "normal" life. We live in the country, he has no driver's license (obviously) and no job - I'm not sure how he will even contribute to daily life. We have a business together which ironically consists of food and wine, and I cant' see how he can be involved in that industry anymore. While he was never abusive in any way, physically or mentally - he is very co-dependent and I am afraid that he will go right back into drinking and wrecking his life if I tell him I can't go back with him. I suppose if I'm really honest with myself, my gut feeling tells me that I don't want back with him - I want to break free and start a new life. I'm still young (relatively) and I have a new promising career that does not marry well with his condition (wines and spirits) and I just feel that while I love him to pieces and thought I had met my soul mate, is doomed for failure. How do I break free from the feeling of "guilt"??
I don't need him financially and never did - but then again partnership was never about money for me, it was more about companionship and common hobbies. I think that has changed a lot since we met, as I then was not aware of his sickness. I could go on and on, but this is my situation in a nutshell. I would love to get somebody else's opinion or feedback on this, not that it will necessarily color my viewpoint but I need some support and reaction, as I feel very alone in what I'm going through. Happy to have found Al-Anon!
Well I am not sure what I can contribute that might help as I am a Newbie here too, but I can honestly understand how you feel. Guilt is a terrible feeling, but there has to come a time when you put yourself first (I am SLOWLY learning this) It's ok to feel the way you do, it's ok to want more for yourself and it's ok to want stability in your life and marriage. Just take care of you and keep reading and posting here....it will all come together... Keep coming back. Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
This may help I heared when I first when to al-anon. it is called the three c. 1) you did not cause it 2) you can not control it 3) you can not cure it It has Help me live with my A at same times. I do not think you get over feeling guilt. The guilt just changes form day to day we just have to choose of the guilt we feel is real ours to have. Live is a choice.
Thanks everyone for replying to my post. I have heard of the three C's and I understand that part and have come to terms with it. I suppose what I'm trying to say, is I don't WANT to live with it (as much as I can't control or cure it) - I am not really contemplating living with the situation as is now, it's just too intolerable. Anybody have that experience? I don't want to be the 'victim' or 'learn to live with it' when my A is not being the husband/partner he should and can be... I just need to feel ok with leaving and being at peace with the fact that my A can be fine on his own and that I did all I could do.
I can relate to what you posted. My a is currently in prison because of his addictions. He has been gone for a year and has one more left. I too worry when he gets home what will things be like. But, then I realize all I can focus on is the present. worrying about the future won't change his behavior or help my recovery. So right now I'm using this time to focus on myself. It is important to put your HP and yourself first I belive. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, joy, wisdom and humor (good for the ). The best thing you can do for yourself is to find some local meetings. If they are too far for you, please join us for online meetings. Recovery for us, is about taking back our life. It's living the life we so richly deserve. It's about living strong. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Alanon gives you many good tools to make the decisions that are in the best interest of you. No one can tell you what to do. We will support you in whatever decision you make.
I loved my husband very much. Now that he is gone, I miss him more than ever. He died sober. At one point I did make him leave. I had reached a point where I could no longer live the life I was. He wasn't a mean or abusive drunk. But my serenity was long gone. At that point I had to turn him over to his HP and let him do his thing. I had to take care of me. Did it hurt him? Sure. It wasn't fun for him. But he was a grown man. I had to allow him the dignity of letting him make his own decisions and live with the consequences, good or bad. I could have never made those decisions with the benefit of this program. Alanon saves lives. I would have gladly given up my life for my husband's. I would have donated any organ. I would have jumped in front of a bus for him. But I was not prepared nor was I willing to die for his disease. That's the difference Alanon made for me. I never would have been able to distinguish between them. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My x drank for years. The love i had for him changed to dread. I dreaded him coming home, but also dreaded it when he didn't. What was he doing now? I dreaded what he would say or do in the "outside world". He embarassed me and my kids. He finally got a DWI and I dont feel he was punished enough by the courts. The whole thing costs our family tons of money, and he finally said, "thats it, i'll stop". Of course, he didn't. I finally made him leave. I even helped him find a place to live, gave him tons of furnitre and went grcocery shopping for him to set him up. I told him, if he was going to become the man I deserved, he needed to do it away from me, so I could know it was done because it was what he needed to do for HIM. Of course, it didn't work. He started dating a bartender and was engaged long before the divorce was final. He has fallen apart over the last 10 years sense our divorce. I admit to feeling bad for him. He is a lost soul that has now lost alot of his mind. Our now adult kids are trying to help him, but it very hard to help somoeone that is so damaged physically and mentally. They are very good a drawing lines that they do not let him cross. The way I got through it all was to keep telling myself, we were together for 20 years, and I gave him 20 years of a somewhat "normal" life, but just because I did it for 20 years, I didn't have to give him another 20. In fact I knew I wouldn't make it another 20 years, it was killing me. You have to do what you need to do, and no one can tell you what you need. You have to decide what is best for YOU. YOU deserve a good life. I know when I looked deep, I knew what I had to do. I knew it for years, but just didn't have the courage to do it. I was his guardian, not his wife, and I was not very good at it.
Good luck with your future, regardless of what you decide. Go to meetings if you can, and you will see so many people in the same place you are in. It helps knowing your not alone.
Thanks guys for your heartfelt and sincere responses to my problem. I appreciate you taking time out to respond and to be here with me. I am learning each and every day to take better care of me, and it feels great. Thanks again and I am grateful to have found such a wonderful community!
). The best thing you can do for yourself is to find some local meetings. If they are too far for you, please join us for online meetings. Recovery for us, is about taking back our life. It's living the life we so richly deserve. It's about living strong. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Alanon gives you many good tools to make the decisions that are in the best interest of you. No one can tell you what to do. We will support you in whatever decision you make. 
I would have gladly given up my life for my husband's. I would have donated any organ. I would have jumped in front of a bus for him. But I was not prepared nor was I willing to die for his disease. That's the difference Alanon made for me. I never would have been able to distinguish between them. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.