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Hello family, Abf has been in treatment now for almost 3 weeks. They have been some of the most peaceful, stress free weeks I have had in a loooong time. I am keeping busy and working on myself. I feel I am doing pretty well until the phone rings. Even from over 1000 miles away, he is still using his manipulating tactics. The difference now, is that I see them for what they are. In a previous post, I had mentioned the fact that he had asked me repeatedly to send him intimate letters. I had skirted around the issue the first few times, but then when he called the other night, I came right out and told him that I was not in a position to do this, that the events leading up to his going away did not just disappear for me. It felt good to put it right out there. His response was to ask me if I even wanted to try again when he got back. I was silent for a minute, because in all honesty, I dont know. The peace and calm I am experiencing with his absence is really feeling good to me and I dont know that I want him back in my life. I began my response with "well, yeah, I would love to see if it could work, ..." he stopped me right there, before I could get my "but" in and stated that was all he needed to hear, he loved me, and would call again when he could. My dilemma is this....When he went away I told him that we would talk when he got home..all of his things are still here, and this is where he will be coming, at least that is what he is expecting and wanting at this point...is it fair for me to ask him not to come here, to have his family come and pack up his things, and move them out while he is gone, or do I owe him the opportunity to practice his tools and work on his recovery here since I sorta left that open when he left? I love him, but I hate his disease and who it makes him (and in the past myself) become. I would hate to think that I gave up just when it was right. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Your post touched me...made me smile even! The way I see it, the beauty of it all, is that you get to do, exactly whatever you want to do! whatever is right for you accepting of course, all the consequences that come with your decisions.
I worked very hard to build this place of peace I have found for myself. There are still times i wish I could share my peace with my exH but it is a 50/50 shot as to whether my peace or his chaos, even when sober, is the dominating influence. Visits have been alright, provided I have the right to leave or ask him to leave if my boundaries are crossed. It took me a long time to latch on to the idea that the person I owe is myself, and until I find the strength to keep my happy life safe ... I am not much good to anyone in chaos. I find it much easier in the long run to live within my own skin by following what makes me feel right inside, rather than letting over compassion, guilt or desire to help rule my decisions. You have every right to put priority on your recovery.
I have learned in this program that I do have the right to change my mind when it comes to taking care of self, and doing what I need to do for me, regardless of what others think.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Dearest Jeannie, As you continue to read literature, go to meetings and come here, you will gain more and more experience.
My experience is this; for me, I learned to accept AH as being an addict. I loved him and lived with him using, not using, going to rehab, relapsing after years of a great program after brain surgery.
I loved him unconditionally. However when he began to be violet and abusive, that was what the brain surgery did. rrrrr I had to have him go for good.
Jeannie, I will never have him come home again, as they relapse, it is a fact, I will not put him or me through it again as far as us being together.
It is too painful. He would be doing fine, then out of nowhere he would change into this horrible person, he was using again.
He was my soulmate, the love of my life. I have come to decide I never want to have a man in my life again. Unless one happens to come and change my mind.
The reasons are personal.
Anyway I would ask myself Jeannie, do you believe you can go through all that tough stuff agaim? Would you choose to, when you know relapse is part of recovery?
He could have a day of recovery or 5 years, 10 years and relapse, anytime. It is recommended when they leave rehab, they do 90 meetings in 90 days. Even two months is not enough "rehab" to help them to a good plan of recovery.
If he is serious, he will be working hard, and focusing on his recovery. It will not all of a sudden be all over.
No different than if he had any disease, it it still there, he will never be cured! Every day or more, he may have to say today I won't use, today I will be honest and talk to his hp and sponsor.
It is a lifetime endeavor.
I have had my relationship with AH for over 30 years. I have had many friends, and family to watch also.
Nothing is different. It is a disease with certain symptoms, and certain damage.
The disease is progressive. If and when he relapses, he will be exactly at the point he quit.
Also when an A uses, they do not mature. If he started at 15, he may be on program but he has 15 year old behaviors.
Also when they use, they usually are self medicating as they cannot face many of lifes challenges. So when they are sober, and or on program, they will have to face, "all" that they medicated away. I mean deaths, sooo many losses.
My A, after the medical relapse, had to grieve his best friend, his very close brother, mother in a nursing home, loss of his home, his career, "everything!"
He relapsed and is so brain damaged from the surgery and alcohol.
So I am being real here Jeannie. The best way for you, ( I invite you) to decide is to go to meetings, as many as you can. Read all you can find. Come here,meetings online, chat room, message board.
MIP honestly has taught me to be a better person thru alanon. I hope you will keep coming back. These people really care.
Hi (((Liljeanie))) I understand where you are. They say this is a baffling and cunning disease, I'd agree not just for the A but for those around them. It is so hard to know what to do for the best. Having distance between each other is a great oppertnity to catch your breath and take stock. When you dont know what to do, do nothing. I presume he is not due home for a while, so dont make any quick decisions. I'm glad your taking this time to focus on you. My ES&H is that recently my Abf came home from rehab for a visit, I had planned to do all the ultimatum stuff and had considered moving his stuff out to his folks.I found I just couldnt and decided to see how it went. I discovered through the help of the tools I gained here that to expect someone who is so ill to live up to our hopes and expectations is pure madness. The fantasy of everything will be lovely if only they'd (fill in the blank) is just that a fantasy. Most A's are struggling so much with everything they just cant give us what we want. Also when an A uses, they do not mature. If he started at 15, he may be on program but he has 15 year old behaviors
I agree with Debilyn on this too. It is as though time stops still for them and the emotional maturity is stunted. Of course they can work the program and find recovery but that is a life long journey.
My Abf can hook me back in so easily, I'm working on that, trying to detach with love. Keeping the focus on me. We are both changing with the results of working the steps. It is hard when you love someone. I miss him so much but I think I miss the version I have in my head not the reality.
Keep the focus on you. You'll do whats right for you, your doing just fine.
Good for you for setting boundaries and being honest about the letters. He might not have wanted to hear what you had to say but good for you for saying it anyway. Alanon is about your own recovery and yes maybe it is good he is away so you can focus on you. I'm grateful in a way that my A is in prison. I miss him terribly but at least I can focus on myself and getting my life together. You need to do what is right for you.
Thank you all for your replies. When he called last night, for the first time, he did not ask me for intimate letters. He only asked what I had been doing, and I told him, working, keeping busy, seeing friends, finding myself. He got really quiet and then said that it sounded like I was moving on. That I had already begun to make a life without him, and was that what I really wanted. I gave him the honest answer...I dont know. It's too soon for me to make any life altering decisions, that right now the focus should be on ourselves, individually and not as a couple. I stated that who knows, maybe he wouldnt even like ME when he got back. He stated that he doubted that would happen, as he loved me more than anyone he had ever known. I told him that I was not ever going to live the way I have been living over the past 4yrs, he agreed and said that even though he knew he had to work his program for himself, it would be that much better if there was hope for us as a couple. The phone call ended on an awkward note (more for him I believe than for me). I dont know if I am going about this the right way, if now is the time for me to tell him how I feel, as he is in rehab and probably doesnt need to be worrying about this, but he keeps bringing it up...and I want him to be prepared for what may or may not happen. My motto has always been, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I am being honest with him and with myself, and for me, it feels good. For the 4yrs we have lived together, I have felt like I was living with a teenager. So yes, the part about behaviors is definitely true! I have watched my own children, now in the beginnings of their 20's, grow and mature and have watched abf remain stuck in his teens. He shirks responsibility at every turn and lives in complete chaos....again, I am sooo enjoying my peace and growing sanity. Thank you for all you have done, and for all you continue to do...it has helped me so much in my own journey towards recovery. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
