As a new member and someone who is still learning about Alanon and codependancy, forgive me if this has been said already, but it's where I am at today....

I had a thought the other day, that my chaotic codependant behaviour(s) have much to do with fear, in that, I try to control a situation or the behaviour of others that I do not trust to protect me, so that I don't have to risk the hurt they may cause. 
If I take over the responsibility of the situation or their behaviour, I have a more likely chance of not being hurt by them.  I'm currently working through that thought.
My sort of insane behaviours (of the past, lets hope!) of taking booze away, checking up on my Ah, trying to "catch" him, trying to make him "behave" appropriately, telling him exactly how to behave, what to do, where to go, how to respond, how to relate to his children, etc are all my attempts to protect myself. 
If I can make him have the conscience that I want him to have, make him not behave hurtfully, make him be sober, make him __________ fill in the blank, then I won't have to be hurt by him and hate him so much!!!
Instead, I'll just hate myself!
Which at least I can sort of live with, because  at least, if I'm the problem, I can control that!!
You see what I mean?
By trying to control the behaviour of my Ah for all this time, i haven't really protected myself from the hurt and pain at all.  I've just transferred it onto myself.  Which in turn, ironically, has hurt me!

So, I am beginning to see the light, where instead of taking on the trying to control someone else, so that they don't hurt me...I can also accomplish that by not "letting" them hurt me, by setting limits and boundaries and having a certain level of expectation. 
Of course,  still be vulnerable to disappointment when people fail to respect the boundary is a little scary...but who said I could get out of this life without ever feeling disappointed??