The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a long time since I've been on here-- not that life has been a bowl of cherries or anything.
Here's the long and short of it. My AH of 18 years is still using (with brief episodes of abstinence) During a summer bingefest he hooked up with someone, caught crabs and shared them with me. btw- it was a guy.
I am so done with this shenanigans. 3 years of marriage counseling, in and out of aa. He can't stop long enough to work thru anything. He also doesn't want to believe he is gay. whatever. He also thinks he can continue to smoke pot (his primary addiction)-- but stop the alcohol-- so he doesn't have a problem or belong in AA. (WHATEVER!)
We are still living in the same house. I view it as a purely business relationship. Pay the bills, take care of the kids (16 and 12) and figure out how to dismantle this f'd up marriage with as much dignity intact as possible. I am not angry. I am disappointed that he would put my health at risk. I am sad that we will not live happily ever after. I am sad for my kids that they don't get to have a "normal" (yeah- I know its just a setting on a dryer) family.
He wants to be "friends". I say my friends don't lie to me. My friends don't risk my health for their personal gratification. I think he gets it now.
I am scared to end this all just because there is a lot of unknown-- but I have to tell you that I have a lot of peace too, now that I am over the idea of "fixing" the marriage.
Yeah-- its a messed up life, but its my life-- and I know my HP put me in the midst of it all for some reason. I'm just looking for his will in it all.
xxoo-
Jeanne
I guess this is really too much for people to comment on. Sorry.
-- Edited by gknee at 22:49, 2008-11-01
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I'm so sorry. What your husband did was not right he put your health in jeporady. Take it or leave it. But, you need to do what's best for you and your kids. Yes I'm sure your HP does have a plan.
GN when my marriage ended I was fearful, ashamed, all those awful feelings. In retrospect his behavior had nothing to do with me. It was not because I wasn't _______ enough. I somehow listened to my internal gyroscope and got through it behaving in a manner I still think was the best I could do at the time. Having made my decision enough was enough, I just had to get through it. I hear the same in you. You can - and coming to F2FR helps so much. Jill
I can hear your frustration but I can also hear some serenity. I know how difficult it is to disentangle one's self from an A. Truth is ur AH may not realize it is over, until you are completely gone... they seem to get things, after the fact.
I am working hard on detaching these days and the more I can focus on myself allows me to no longer obsess. The more I MYOB (mind my own business) I no longer bring up, old wounds, new projections or think on other ppl's state's of mind or mental health. It did seem deathly boring at first, just focusing on me but now I have a sense of calm that I never knew before. And (I'm not a parent) you do have your kids to work with and distract you fron yourself. For that reason, I repeat, learn to focus on you, you are worth it! I know if I don't I'll have another person quickly ready, willing & able to run my life all over again.
When I got divorced from my exAH, I went through a period where I felt like a failure b/c of my idealized life was shattered, the person I picked was an addict, abusive, bully (psycho) but after a very LONG time and serious depression - none of that was my fault. I had been trying to take the full responsibility of it all (being a good lil ACoA). Truth is, it was what happened, it isn't 'anyone's fault' and I dont think that's a healthy way to think.
I just want to encourage you to keep at your program, detach from whatever your AH does or does not do, make your plans to move on (in wtvr form that takes for you) and focus on yourself. You deserve your own best love and to be your own best advocate!
And remember the Board & chat room are always here for you for an on-line meeting or a quick chat anytime.
Love & support to you & yours, hang in there, odat
-- Edited by kitty at 10:38, 2008-11-06
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
