The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a phrase I hear time and time again. "His/her drinking is none of my business." Who came up with THAT bright idea?
Let's say ABF/GF wrecks your car and injures someone in the process. You better believe this is your business. If you don't believe it, just wait and see who gets sued!!! Joint and several liability; clear as crystal.
Suppose AH/W's drinking causes you extreme stress. No kidding!! Really????Extreme stress can cause physical ailments...serious ones. That makes his/her drinking your business. When your heart is about to give up, see then if you don't consider him/her at least partially to blame. "I should not have let it get to me. It was the alcohol making him behave that way,. It was not his fault," is not going to give you any comfort. Giving him/her a swift kick in the behind is.
One night he comes home totalled and decides to beat you up. None of your business? Best think again...on your way to the emergency room. He/she falls asleep on the couch with a lighted cigarette. Poof, there goes YOUR house. "Ooops but wait...His/her drinking is none of my business."
I could go on and on. Please remember...the havoc your drunk can cause IS your business
You and ABF/GF go out to a club. Going to have a great time dancing. Problem is, A decides to get wasted, tear the place up, and call you dreadful names while doing so. *flash, flash* That's your business.
I can hardly think of a single incident when his drinking is none of my business. As long as it adversely affects me, it is my business even though I am supposed to be striving to think otherwise.
Much affection and best wishes to all,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I've been around Al-Anon for quite a few years now, and have never heard that saying, nor that the drinking doesn't affect us.... In fact, the very premise and need for Al-Anon and our "recovery" is the understanding that alcoholism, and actions of active alcoholics, do very much affect us.....
With every situation or set of circumstances, we have options as to how best we are going to deal with things.... The one consistent one is that we need to practice "self-care", and take care of ourselves (and perhaps our dependants), in however best we can.
Focussing our time, energy, and attention on the alcoholic is often a frustrating and fruitless process.... Using that energy to focus on ourselves, and what WE need to get better, and or deal with the circumstances around us, is the key. For some of us, the ultimate answer is to leave, or stay, or go to the gym, or to journal, etc., etc., The actual "answer" for each of us is unique, and tailored to our needs and our circumstances.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The saying "it is none of my business" is towards the A's decision to use or not. Whether they are taking care of themselves or not. If they decide to pass out on the floor it is not my problem to cover them or drag them to bed.
If they go to jail because of their actions...not my problem.
If they make a mess, they can clean it up.
It has nothing to do with their behavior does not affect us! That is of course a real truth!
These days we do not have to buy cars, homes, get loans etc. with our spouse. We do not have to depend on them for anything. I would never put anything of mine in the A's name, I would never share anything that his behavior could take away. I would never leave my kids with a using A.
I don't know if it is true everywhere, but here whatever the spouse signs is their responsibility alone. If both sign then of course it is shared.
If the A cheats or sells my stuff, I can only control me. I can choose to leave, or stay or kick him out. I learn to lock my things up.
I know it is sad, but it is my experience to be involved with an A I have to take all responsibility for myself. To me to live with an A, all I can hope for is his presence.
If they are abusive, we have to decide for ourself, what we will do.
Again it has NOTHING to do with their disease, we know it affects us in a zillion ways, we have to learn to take care of ourselves. none of my business means I don't dump his bottles, check his checking accout, wonder if he is using, or drag him out of bars etc.
I would though undo his distributor or let air out of two or more tires if he was planning to drive drunk or loaded on drugs. Becuz to me it is my business to protect others where I can.
Things are interpreted in different ways. Diva as you can see it was never meant as it was taken.
For me, it's about the choice to use or not that is none of my business. I can't control the addict. Certainly whether or not the addict chooses to use or not will have a profound affect on me. It's how I handle the situation. It was one of the reasons I had AH leave for a while. His behavior had left my serenity no where to be found, and he almost burnt the house down. That certainly is my business. It is certainly my business if I knowingly let somebody drink and drive. I have a moral and social responsibility to myself as well as others if I let someone behind the wheel that has had too much to drink. So yes it is my business how I let the addict affect me. It is none of my business if they use. Very good post. Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the animals.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow!! that post invoked responses and here's mine. I remember that saying in early program and it worked wonders for me. What it mean't from my sponsor to me was "don't go looking for trouble". It was never mean't between him and me to be unresponsible or properly envolved in the events of my life but only to be envolved in the events of my life as a result of my choice and best thinking. Yes there are situations that get involved as a result of anothers attachment. Yes I get to choose on how deeply I get involved and no I don't go looking for trouble anymore especially where I am not invited.
That's my story and I'm sticking by it. (((((hugs)))))
You are right in Alanon one of the reasons we come here is because it is our business. The a's drinking and addictions do affect us. But we also can't clean up there messes or enable them. We have to let them take responsibilty for their own actions just like we take responsibilty for ours. Ultimately we have to make our own choices and they have to make theirs.
In my case it was "His drinking is none of your business". What that saying gave me at first was freedom, freedom from feeling that I was not a good wife, partner or friend if his drinking was not my business. Now in my way of applying to my life it is a reminder of what just is my business and what is not. Taking care of myself and providing myself protection from possible bad decisions arising from his drinking is my business, whether he does it or not is his.
Don't you see that when his/her drinking lowers the boom on you, it IS your business.
It is hard to believe you could think that the alcoholic's behavior is "none of my business" when the alcoholic could wipe you out financially or legally or both at any moment. And if you are married, the chances increase enormously.
I appreciate those of you who took the time to think about this and answer. Of course I respect your opinions whether or not you agree with me.
I send good wishes to everyone, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Don't you see that when his/her drinking lowers the boom on you, it IS your business.
It is hard to believe you could think that the alcoholic's behavior is "none of my business" when the alcoholic could wipe you out financially or legally or both at any moment. And if you are married, the chances increase enormously.
Diva:
I completely understand where you are coming from. My AH's drinking and driving about put me over the edge many times. He is sober now. I don't understand why I stuck my head in the sand for so, so long.
I currently still have the divorce papers "active" even though we have reconciled and things look very hopeful. The attorney said that I'm protected if he gets himself into financial/legal troubles. I want drop the divorce, but I'm still too uneasy to do so at this point. It's been one year of sobriety, with a handful of relapses that lasted one day each (that I know of).
pssst, Diva, ... thanks for voicing one of the big al-anon mysteries for me.
I have visuals that I attach with most of the slogans, and even though I may have a difficult time grasping the concept or responding accordingly, I usually get it.
With the slogan about the drinking/using being no one's business but theirs.... the visual I attach is a quiet nonaggressive drunk watching tv or sleeping on the couch day after day, night after night, while the spouse easily supports the family and everyone just goes about their own business. In such a scenario, yeah, perhaps the drinking could be just left to the A. But, the "drinking" is not the real problem as we all know, it is all the associated behaviors - aggressiveness, finances, infidelity, legal trouble, absence of emotion, public humiliation, barf, inadequate parenting, the role model for our children, medical issues..... let's face it, in most situations As cannot take care of thier own "business", and in some way, shape, or form their issues are thrust upon us whether we choose to engage or not. These are people whom we love dearly, for we are human, and to completely detach emotionally while keeping such a person in my life while maintaining my self-esteem and inner peace is a concept I cannot understand achieving with an active A in my life.
So, this slogan is where "take what you like and leave the rest" comes in for me. Good post, Diva.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 07:38, 2008-11-01
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Well, I took all the precautions that I needed to (not allowing him to drive with the kids, stay with the kids, be covered under MY insurance policy, no alcohol or drugs in or near my home, keeping all valubles locked up, etc) and THEN what he did was none of my business. Because if it was (or when I believed it was my business) I was driving around, looking for his car at the bars, checking HIS cell phone, watching HIS bank account, monitoring everything he said and did for signs of relapse.
Protecting myself and my kids was first step when I woke up from my denile. Then what he did was none of my business which helped me achieve some peace and detachment. I believe it is a slogan that is to help us stop enabling. Once we stop enabling things change, the dynamic changes.
My A is not violent. He does not fritter away the money. He has never committed a crime against anyone. He does not destroy material things. He is good to the animals. The only "thing" he does is drive drunk which scares me to death. I divorced him because of it, but he still drives one of my cars. So I am having that car put into his name, and keeping the keys to the other two "close to the vest" as they say. I am working on the "none of my business" aspect, but never expect to attain the full meaning of the phrase.
Meanwhile life is good. My geratric Jack Russell is slowly regaining his health after a crisis; it's a sunny, warm day in South Texas, and I am well.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am gonna go to a fall festival up in Utopia (aptly named place ) then head up to Lost Maples State Park to see if the leaves are changing yet (a little bird told me they were, and that this year is gonna be spectacular!)
Enjoy the beautiful gift of today HP has given us!
the A who I was with drove drunk. He drove numerous cars into ditches, drove into people (thank god he never injured anyone). I have no idea how he still has a license if he has one.
The issue for me in looking at the slogans is what do they mean. I had to separate myself out from the A's actions. Like you I was worried sick whenever he drove.
Now I am no longer with him and there is no doubt in my mind he is still out there driving and using and crashing into people. I no longer feel sick to my stomach. I am upset certainly that people like him get to drive. The issue is that he no longer drives in a car that is in my name. As long as he had the car with my name I paid the insurance on it. He did that till he totalled it.
the issue for me is that no matter what the A did he always expected me to be there. There was nothing he thought he could do that would end my love for him. His driving certainly didn't it was when he abused and starved our dogs that did it. I couldnt excuse that anymore.
I also had had enough.
I had to turn the A back to a HP. I have no idea how is still alive, he has done so many sucidal things. My issue is that I'm no longer willing to let the dogs I have have to deal with it. My love for the dogs won me through.
The A's actions were certainly my business as long as I was intertwined for him and I had to make it not my business and that was incredibly painful for me.
This was an interesting thread, wow we really are complicated people b/c I understand and agree with it all. The A's using or not using IS none of my business but once those consequences impact my life, obviously then it is mine to deal with however I see fit. IMHO, I think a lot of what you're taking issue with has to do with the boundaries we create and clearly, with you putting that car in his name, you are setting boundaries for yourself and for him, so he can deal with his OWN consequences, good for you!
Hope ur lil doggy is back to homeostasis soon!
For me, I kept LOL and thinking about when I say MYOB (minding my own business) , b/c this is a new phenomena for me to abide to and there are a lot of things that aren't any of my business... like someone else's mental health or lack thereof or their happiness, all I need to think about is my own, surely that's all I can control.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
