The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in love with a recovering addict...so much so that I consider marriage in the future. She is 5 years sober after her relapse ( 5 years sober before that). Every day I worry she will some day pick up again. She said the last time all it took was one "mistaken drink order" to set her back. At the end she had to live in recovery and detox for about 8 different drugs for almost a year. She is in AA now 5 years too.
I am having trouble with this because I am just a casual drinker (2x a month or so) and never done drugs. I can't really understand what she's gone through. I know she had a very bad childhood...we talk alot but lately I get the feeling she is tired of reassuring me and feels I am judging her perhaps. (i just like to understand, not try to judge).
So maybe you guys can help.
Is my fear rational? How can I be supportive? Any other advice I can use to deal with her drug/alcohol addiction? Should i be apprehensive about planning a future with her? (I hear ppl say they most likely relapse or at least replace addiction with new addictions)
I apologize I can only use the computer an hour a day while she is working. I will check back tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get a response? :P
Well I think you need to be in recovery for you. When you are in recovery yourself you are better able to assess whether someone is a good risk or not. The other thing you can do, of course, is to go to open Al anon meetings. There are no guarantee's with anyone. However if someone has a good amount of sobriety and are committed to a program they are clearly on the right track.
There are numerous books about alcoholism including all the alcoholics anonymous books.
No one here can give you a guarantee. Relationships don't come with guarantee's. I can tell you in my own Experience, Strength and Hope that as I recover from my codependency (which had little to do with the alcoholic but got much worse when exposed to alcoholism) I am better able to make choices that are good for me. When I take care of myself I make less disastorous choices.
Hi... welcome to MIP.... I'll take a shot at answering your questions, as best as I can....
Is my fear rational? Absolutely.... her history is part of her, and it is very rational or normal to be concerned about this, as the end results can be quite devastating....
How can I be supportive? Communication is the key.... tell her, without judgment about your fears/concerns - perhaps after learning a little bit more about alcoholism yourself (start with the Getting Them Sober books, by Toby Rice Drews - they will teach you a ton!)
Any other advice I can use to deal with her drug/alcohol addiction? Nope, other than you need to own your own "recovery", by learning more about the disease, as stated above....
Should i be apprehensive about planning a future with her? (I hear ppl say they most likely relapse or at least replace addiction with new addictions) - That one is your call.... I'd suggest, at a minimum, that you would be wise to be a little more cautious with a recovery A, than you would with someone with no history of addictions..... That being said, if she is truly sober, practices her program of recovery, and is committed (by her actions, not her words) to staying that way - then it might just be a great future.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to MIP Bucky. Join Alanon for your own recovery to find those answers. Relapse is a part of Alcoholism sorry to say. And Alcoholism is for life for the A's and for us. Keep coming back.
The best way to support your lady is to get your own program Al-Anon You will never understand her disease because u are not an alcoholic or addict only those who have been there can help her or understand her struggle. there is always a chance that she may use again ,but to waste time worrying about something that may never happen is a waste of your life , enjoy sobriety learn all u can about the disease and how u react to it , al anon will help u with both .
I understand your concern. My A has been attending A.A and N.A in prison he got sent away because of his addictions to drugs and alcohol. There is always a fear or worry he will relapse. But in reality it is a disease so there is that chance. I would say get alanon and A.A literature. Go to meetings and then make up your mind. If you really love her then maybe it is worth the risk but just remember it is not easy living with an active A. I've been in my realationship who I'm engaged to him for 8 years now. He has been an addict the entire time of course when we met I didn't realize how bad his problem was. We've had lots of good times but also lots of bad times. Once an addict always an addict even if they are not actively drinking or abusing drugs. But would I trade the good times no I would never trade me realationship to the man I love dearly. Sorry for the miss spelling it's late and I'm typing fast. lol.
You will find answers to all your questions here, not just around your partners addiction but also around your own behaviour. I too am in love with a recovering A, and have been on a steep learning curve trying to make sense of it all, some call it a rollercoaster ride, I'd agree with that In Alanon the focus is on YOU not the addict. I agree with others here, that the best thing to do is to get into your own program, read as much Alanon literature as you can and go to face to face (f2f)meetings. By doing this you will learn how to look after yourself, and gain a better insight into alcoholism. Learning about the twelve steps will help you in your communication with your partner, making life easier for both of you. You will understand how much time your partner needs to work at staying in recovery.
There are lots of sayings we use here, Just one for you now..... Keep Coming Back you'll get used to us all, I'm glad your here
there is hope and you are not alone! keep checking in and reading and coming around regardless of how you are feeling or what you are thinking. Hugs, J.
Is my fear rational? Definately....but your fears do not have to rule your life
How can I be supportive? Learn all you can about alcoholism..Al-anon is a great place to start. Find a meeting in your area.
Any other advice I can use to deal with her drug/alcohol addiction? Same answer as to How can I be supportive.
Should i be apprehensive about planning a future with her? (I hear ppl say they most likely relapse or at least replace addiction with new addictions)...I think that being apprehensive is realistic. To deny that you are concerned about things is to deny yourself, and will come back to you later. Does this mean to not plan a future? No. What it does mean is to work on your apprehension and fears. Again the best way for you to do this is to attend an Al-anon meeting. In the "Frequently asked questions" post at top of board, is a lot of great info on al-anon and how to find a meeting in your area!
Thanks so much for posting. I hope you will keep coming back when you can.
Please give Al-anon a try. It has helped me more than I can begin to tell you.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Lots of good replies here. I would definitely get to some Alanon meetings and learn all you can about this disease called addiction. Learn about how it affects you. If you really want to get a handle on what she's going through, find an open AA meeting. I went with hubby after he got out of the hospital because he was so sick. It was an eye opener for me. I knew they had a long hard battle, but until I heard them speak, I never quite got it. Ask her if she is comfortable taking you with her to an open meeting. I am not saying attend only AA meetings. Definitely get to Alanon meetings. Those will be the most important for you. Alanon will give you the tools you need. It's a great program. Keep coming back to us. I wish you both well in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Bucky, welcome to MIP. We are glad you are here and we all want you to keep coming back. We do not judge you or your decisions. We are here to support you. We will share with you our experiences and hope that you can draw answers for yourself from them. We also have "live" chat room meetings here twice a day. Look above the postings for the times and you can attend those as well as posting and reading. They are very helpful. You can draw a lot of insight from that as well. There are no real right or wrong answers. You have to make your own choices for your best interest but we are here to support you. It is a difficult life without any support and tools to help you get through each day. I do agree with trying to not to worry about what hasn't happened yet. I know that is a lot easier said than done. As you do more reading and posting you will learn some of these tools. Always remember to take what you like and leave the rest because you may not like everything everyone says. Most importantly, please, keep coming back!! I wish you luck and know we are here for you!!!
Thank you for all your replies! It's more than I thought I would get!
Hmmm...one thing that makes me most fearful is the fact that she told me yesterday that she was lucky to be alive and that if she ever slipped again she it "would be the last time"...meaning she would kill herself.
She told me many times she O.D'd and the last time she had to be brought back from unconciousness. However she still kept using until she lost her house and child and went to recovery. She said she didn't worry about dying, just finding the greatest high and it should have killed her.
So now knowing that it took "one drink" to set this off...and the fact that she says next time it will kill her...i guess you can see why I live in fear every day.
My conundrum is the person I know now I can't imagine in such a state. I truly believe her to be my soul mate. Its kinda stupid but I wish I could go back in time and make it all better, but that's not realistic. I feel guilty sometimes for wishing she was not an alcoholic/drug user, but thats life i guess.
I'm willing to attend meetings for Al-Anon if i can find one...maybe while she's at AA. She also asked me to go to AA with her to see what its all about. I understand she had many, many reasons for taking drugs because she suffered every form of abuse as a child and even as an adult. I don't want to hold this against her. I want to just have a basically happy normal life with her. I hope it's possible and no...I will do my best not to give into the fear.
Once again I have to go...I will check back again tomorrow. Thanks again, you all seem very nice. I will come back often.
As you can see by all the replies, there are lots of people going through the same thing you are.... Trying to live with, and/or love an alcholic. Like someone said before, life has no guarentees. You could leave her and her problems behind, but who is to say what your next relationship will have in store for you. I agree with everyone who said the best thing you can do is get educated about her problem. Once you understand it more, you will be able to understand where she is coming from. I know I had no idea until I starting talking to many others here in the chat room. They helped me understand that I couldn't control his actions, only mine. I also learned I had to focus on my needs. BUT the thing I learned that helped me the most was that I WAS NOT ALONE, and that I didn't have to travel this path alone. There are so many people that are willing to share what they have learned. No one can or would tell you what you need to do. Only you can decide that, but just know while you are on your "journey", there are people who understand and are willing to be there for you. When I started Al-Anon, I was afraid he was going to be upset, but he wasn't. I think it made him happy that I was wanting to learn how to be there for him, by taking care of myself. Life is scary...... when you need us, we will be there
I think that you could get similar value out of Al-Anon, or attending open AA meetings - the only difference is that with Al-Anon, or "other AA" meetings, you may feel more comfortable talking about your fears, as opposed to when your g/f is there with you...
As for her comment about her next slip will likely be her last, and will kill her - that is a common thing, and many/most alcoholics who "get it" truly understand that their disease IS a matter of life or death.... Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so even if she hasn't drank for five years - if she was to drink tomorrow, her body would react similarly as to how it would if she had been active for those five years....
Take care, and I hope you can find meetings - perhaps the odd one with your g/f, and then some for just you....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know it's hard to imagine her in that state. I knew my hubby way back in college when neither of us knew he had a problem. He barely touched a drop of alcohol back then. So I knew what he was like sober. The man I met 25 years ago was still there. It broke my heart when the disease took control. I can tell you this much, the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are very different. I needed my program just as much when he was sober as I did when he was active. I would go with her to an AA meeting if she wants you too. Hubby and I would talk after the meetings. We also did our daily meditations with each other. I would read from Alanon books, he would read from AA. The similarities are very interesting. It was the way we supported each other's recoveries, without getting too involved in each other's recoveries. Remember, how she works her recovery is none of your business. How you work yours, is none of hers. But you can love and support each other at the same time. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Buck, I am glad you are communicating your fears. The best place for you is an Al-anon meeting as many as you can a week. It's very difficult to understand the alcoholis/addict. My husband for 20 years is both. For many years i didn't understand and I went through the same feelings of guilt, dout, and hate. The only thing that i have learned fron the Al-anon program is that I can not control his choices. He may drink, used drugs any time he wants. He does not mean it but, the diseas is that way. He has been sobers for two to three years at a time. and the rest of the time he is active. My life becomes unmanagable and i have lost many things along the way; friends, many, properties, freedom etc.. Until I made my choice and started taking care of myself and son. I had to let go and stop worring about the alcoholic. So, in order for you to understand what she is going through and help yourself YOU MUST go to Al-anon meetings. Whish you luck, China
I understand now that she is not trying to scare me, but being realistic. If she uses again she will most likely die. I asked her why and she said she had OD'd many times before. Also I didn't realize she was on meth and heroin. Its hard but you can't chose who you fall in love with so i gotta be strong and work it out.
She is not that person now, I have to remember that. As for the future, whatever happens I will survive. I can't ignore my feelings for her due to fear of the future or the mistakes of her past. All I can do is be supportive and love her and keep myself healthy.
Im finding it hard to fit Al-Anon into my schedule but i started reading her AA big book when shes at work lol. Also my Dad and her get along well since they are both recovering addicts so thats a good thing i think.
Good luck to all you and I'll be back another day I'm sure.
). Lots of good replies here. I would definitely get to some Alanon meetings and learn all you can about this disease called addiction. Learn about how it affects you. If you really want to get a handle on what she's going through, find an open AA meeting. I went with hubby after he got out of the hospital because he was so sick. It was an eye opener for me. I knew they had a long hard battle, but until I heard them speak, I never quite got it. Ask her if she is comfortable taking you with her to an open meeting. I am not saying attend only AA meetings. Definitely get to Alanon meetings. Those will be the most important for you. Alanon will give you the tools you need. It's a great program. Keep coming back to us. I wish you both well in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
