The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent soooo very much of my life taking care of and focusing on everyone else and their life and problems, and trying to be the World's Best Mom, and the World's Best Daughter, and the World's Best Everything that I am not sure quite where to begin just focusing on me. I am in love with a sober Aboyfriend, we have been together a year and he has been sober for over 10.-he works the program and I feel he is a good person at heart but he still has the ability to make me feel at times like my exAhusband. I always thought that Sober was a good thing and the behaviors would die but sometimes I see some of the same characteristics in him that I saw in my fully functioning ex A and it scares my to death!!!!! My main reason for putting off a relationship with bf was because he was an alcholic. Part of me thinks "no alchoholic in my life=no problems for me" the other part says the problem might just be me...........make any sense? Sorry for the ramble...... TRYING to K.I.S.S.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
No personally I think the sober alcholic can be very challenging. I have a friend who is one. They can be quite flightly. There are people on this board who are sober alcholics who really work a program.
The focus on ourselves can be difficult at first but it you stick at it the rewards are plentiful.
What you are doing is taking care of you. Facing hard truths is a big one!! Yes being an addict is so much more than using. Stopping the using means zero with out a plan to learn to be a more productive appropriate person.
Many have to learn to be honest, empathetic, supportive, loyal, have morals etc.
I sure know how you feel. Was hard for me to face too. In my experience, I know I don't care if m AH was sober on program ten years, I would never live with him again. I love him very much as a human. But even though he would be on program, relapse is part of being in recovery, sadly.
I cannot go through it again and survive.
I hope you can get to meetings read literature and keep coming here!!!
Pat yourself on the back. Facing truths over denial is a major step.
Thanks for your share. I agree it is so hard to change the focus onto yourself, a life long behaviour takes time to change. Personally it came as a great big shock to me when I finally came to realise that I was codependant, and that was why my life had become unmanagable. Good news is though now I know why my life was like that, I have the chance to change, and find happiness. Have you read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie? If I may, I recommend you try and get a copy, it will help you. Dont be hard on yourself for being a lovely caring person.
Keep coming back. It really does Work if you Work it.
Sobriety only solves the problem of drinking not the ism. My Ahsober hasn't drank in over 20 years. What I go thru with him is harder than any drunk. He left 3 years ago and blamed it on me. He refuses to work a program. So I have to look at it as a gift. But in Alanon we learn to focus on ourselves and that helps atlot.
I hate to say it but once an addict always an addict. The A could be sober but will still carry the addiction behaviors over with them. I know from growing up with a sober drug addict my mother who I love dearly but she still lies to people. I know she does not do it to be hurtful or to keep something she does it because it's a part of her addiction. Yes she is no longer using hasn't since I've been born 21 years ago but she is still an addict. The same with my A. He might be sober but he is still an addict and always will be plus, there is always a chance that they will have a relapse. A part of alanon is focusing on and taking care of yourself first.
I really relate the the "super mom" stuff. I wanted to be a super mom, super sister, super girlfriend.... super everything. UNTIL one day I realized (with the help of others here) that I was so busy putting out everyone elses fires because I was hiding from the fact that my house was burning down. I stayed so busy, so I wouldn't have to face the fact that I had issues I didn't want to deal with. I also discovered that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by taking on their issues. I made them my own, to solve, therefore taking away their responsibility for them. In doing so, I was taking away their ability to be proud for fixing their problems themselves. If you can stop, take a deep breath, and focus on yourself for a while, you might get a better understanding of what you need to do for YOURSELF. Take the focus off of them, and put it on yourself. With thought, guidance and education, some of your questions will answer themselves.
Easy does it on yourself. You are only human. Abbyal once told me that just because the disease goes away, doesn't mean the aisms go away. She's right. There can be leftover behavior. It could be that he's the way he is because of who he is, not because he a disease. This disease may have nothing to do with it. Anyways, be gentle on yourself. A racehorse can only go so fast. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
