The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up this morning and this thought of alcoholism being progressive came to me.
I look at my current situation and I think , why the * did I have a child with him, when I knew all this? Why didn't I sever the relationship months/years ago? How did I come to be in this situation?
While I realize that my Ah hasn't been devoid of any "warning signs" right from the beginning, he wasn't like he is today. And as a formerly strong, independant, ambitious and motivated woman, I look at myself and think the same of me. Why have I allowed myself to endure so much? Why didn't I mean what I said and end the relationship when my son who is 4 now, was crawling around the floor at 10 months old and found my Ah's half smoked joint? Why didn't I mean what I said when Ah did ______________ (fill in the blank) and I behaved ______________ (fill in the blank) in reaction, creating the ever so popular unhealthy and dysfunctional family model?
I look at my life and think, the girl I used to be would never have let this happen. She would have never allowed it to get to this point. As progressive as the symptoms of my Ah have been, so has the progression of my unhealthy reactions.
Today, I am going to offer myself some forgiveness for that, in order to allow myself to move forward and know that we all deserve better than the insanity we've being living through for so long.
Why you ask to you allow yourself to do all this? Because we are human beings, with hearts and emotions. Some times the warning signs aren't there. Even if they are, we become blind because the heart takes over. You know what? That's okay. I'd rather be a thinking, feeling, imperfect human being than be a robot. Forgive yourself and realize what's happened is done. Now you move ahead. That's the beauty of recovery. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Those "why's" sure can occupy a lot of time can't they?
The one sure answer to the "why's" that helped me to finally start forgiving myself and moving on was..."Because I/we have been affected by the Family Disease of Alcoholism".
That and the "I did the best I could at the time, with what I had". They are both so very, very, absolutely true for me.
I am glad you are offering yourself forgiveness today! Take yourself up on the offer!!!
I know I'm not supposed to compare myself, but I am feeling jealous that you have al-anon while your son is only four.
My two kids are in their 20's, I am in my 40's, and I am just beginning to awaken. My kids are understandably as sick and dis-eased as their A father and coDe mother. For me, it's impossible not to mourn that I went to one meeting.... one... 20 years ago, and didn't stay with it.
Like you, I'll work on forgiving myself.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well I think its good in hindsight to see the red flags. I've lived my whole life clueless of flags and not being very good at boundaries. I have certainly been affected by the disease of alcholism. I belive it is insidious. I too had to forgive myself. I do have boundaries these days. I am one plus year out from leaving the A I do not speak to him no matter what. I have nothing left to say.
I had plenty to say for a long long time. I still do of course but I bring it here.
Sometimes having children can be a help in setting boundaries and for some people they really want to give the A a chance. Personally I gave the A who I was with "a chance" for 7 years. After he destroyed everything there was nothing left to chance with.
I have found that if I don't forgive, especially myself, I get stuck in the past. I have learned to look at my 'mistakes' as golden opportunites to grow.
There's not a soul that hasn't made mistakes. To not forgive yourself and others, is one of the biggest mistakes we can make.
Be kind to yourself. Look for the lessons and allow them to propel you in the direction that you think is best for you.
Easier said than done, I know. But it's feasible with practice.
Don't beat yourself up. Yes maybe there where warning signs but you loved the man. You wanted to give him a chance. You wanted him to change when you thought you could change him. You had a child with him but at least you got your little boy who you wouldn't have had otherwise. Think of the blessings and be grateful you found alanon and are now putting yourself and your son first and making the necessary changes. Good luck!
remember this AA quote: "Acceptance is all I need today". Accept where you are. Look at it very closely and accept it. I think a big part of our disease is some kind of deep inability or disability to honestly do this and to simply have a tantrum about it, continually. It is no accident that we are exactly where we are. In the big scheme of things, its exactly where we ought to be or else we would not be there. So accept where you are, exactly and precisely as divinely perfect in every way and place your faith in HP. Then make choices and decision and move on. Find the gift of exactly where you are. Count your blessings. Hugs, J.
