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Hello everyone,I am new to this forum.I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs. and have 5 kids with him.I have been to hell and back in this marriage already,but the latest hell is by far the worst.He betrayed me in the cruelest wayhe cheated on me with someone we both knew,and were trying to "help",as this person had a rough life.I felt sorry for her,and let my husband take her to appts.etc,while I was at work.I even invited her to visit in my home,not knowing that the affair was going on.(They slept together 4 times from what I can gather.) So he blamed it all on his alcohlism,even though he was SOBER the first time he slept with her.So when I found out,I kicked him out,then he decided to go to treatment to get back in the house.He made all kinds of grand promises while he was away on how we were going to work on all our issues together when he got out,even go to a family treatment center,and I particularly wanted to deal with the cheating.But guess what? Once he got out,thats it,he was "done with all that" and had "put it behind him",and he refused to discuss it anymore.If I "had issues still to deal with",that was "my problem.NOT HIS!!" Can you believe the nerve? The second he gets his way,he backs out on his promises.My hopes were so high this time,with all the progress he seemed to be making,that it felt like all my hope was compelety crushed,whats worse,its like he did it ON PURPOSE.Now the anger and sorrow I feel is eating me up inside,and I've lost all joy,and purpose in life.I feel like the biggest fool ever,for being conned like this over and over.How do I get over it all,and move on,when I am so crushed with depression,and grief that I have no energy? Oh,and by the way,he still thinks its okay to have "woman friends"! Which I believe he has lost the right to have,and there is ongoing tension/fights,over his so-called friends he met in treatment,who just so happen to be women!! I'm sickened and disgusted by his insensitivity.Is this even normal,for someone to behave this way,even if they are an alcoholic? Are they all this big of liars,and so insensitive to others pain? A Wounded Soul.
I'm really sorry for what your husband did. My fiance never cheated on me at least not physically. But about a year ago I got an e-mail from this other woman telling me that my fiance hated me, didn't want me anymore, and that I was to stay away from him or else. So I called my fiance to ask him about this and this woman called me from his house and told me to leave him alone he didn't want to be with me anymore. It still makes me sad when I think about it. I didn't hear from him for one month and I really thought it was over. One month later I get a letter from him saying he hopes I don't think he dosen't want to be with me anymore and that she this girl and her boyfriend did this because they thought me and his family where not treating him right. The whole thing still makes no sense to me. But, I took him back although it took me a long time to forgive him. Now this girl is back in his life and that is druging it up again. I realize though that I can only tell him how I feel and how him being friends with her makes me feel. It's up to him as to what to do about it. I wish he didn't have female friends espeically her but I can't force him to not be friends with her anymore he is a grown man. But I remember a while back ago how I kept talking about it and he asked me to just let it go! It's easier said then done and it makes me feel like he sometimes does not care I will see how he responds with the letter I wrote him about my feelings. If he dosen't care about my feelings then he does not care about me. Only time will tell and really all I can say it take what you want from my story. I know it is not the same but go with your gut.
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... Are the insensitivity and stubborness common alcoholic traits? You bet. As are things like twisting around the facts for their own benefit, and shuffling blame away from themselves onto you, or whomever else they can find....
The other common trait, for most of us, is that uncertainty of whether or not we are worthy of being treated with more respect. My sponsor used to remind me to deal with the "whats", and not so much with the "whys"... In this case, the "whats" appeared to be that he cheated, he feels he's dealt with it, done nothing particularly wrong, and has no intentions of really changing his behavior....
There is an old saying in Al-Anon circles
He will either drink (or use, or cheat, or lie, or whatver), or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of you - go to meetings, read books, get yourself healthy. The more you do this, the clearer the path and the answers for you will become.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so sad for what you are going through. It is such a horrible pain.
We do our best to share our experiences, and offer alanon skills.
I read you set boundaries. The couseling etc. He broke the agreement. The thing about boundaries or arrangements, there needs to be consequences.
Was there something said if he did not fulfill his agreement? Separation, he leave the home, you leave etc?
The skill I learned here was I had to take care of me. Can only control me. You are hurting horribly. Sadly hon, the only one who can help us is ourself. Also other loved ones that support you will surely want to help. A broken heart is the worst wound as far as I am concerned.
When my AH's disease tore us apart, I did not hold anything in, I let the tears just go where ever I was. It hurt. It took a very long time to really feel like things were familiar again and my life was my own.
I completely severed ties. I have to admit, I cried today for the loss of our love. He has been really gone for years now.
I knew I could expect nothing from him. And actually wanted NOTHING from him. Unless he could get back the part of his brain the disease tore out.
I would invite you to be so careful with you. Think of your needs and wants. take each day to do what you can and rest.
Its up to you to decide if you want to accept him as he is, or separate. As we cannot change them no matter what we do. We can only change ourselves.
Hope you come back as much as you need and want. Your situation is very painful, I was fortunate to have a group of people here at MIP back then that helped me to survive. We are here for you.
The A who I was with always found even strangers he met one time far more scintillating than me. I hope you can learn to de-tach. It is hard going especially when we have had a long commitment. They do tend to bring in the "trash". My sponsor, god loves her, says god doesn't make junk. I have to remember that. I let the A push me down till I felt like dirt.
Al anon is all about bringing yourself up. Of course there will be bad days. There is a tremendous amount of love and caring in this room. We can de-tach very quickly after a while but it does take practice.
Infidelity is one of the nasty symptoms of this disease , it hurts and I really don't know how u think he can help u come to terms with it . Unless he makes a commitment to your relationship to be faithful and loyal whats the point ? our problem is we believe the lies , we keep doing the same things over and over again expecting that things will be diff this time , and they often are thier worse. Infidelity is totally unexceptable , as has already been said u dont deserve to be treated that way . When u learn to show yourself the respect u deserve and set boundaries for your relationship== nothing will change until u do . For me I had to take a chance , forgive and jump back into the marriage , but I know for me today no one will ever do that to me again , and so far so good 19 yrs have come and gone . Please get a prog for yourself u too need to recover ,learn to set healthy bondaries for your relationships , and know that with help u will be okay with or with out him . Get the focus on yourself where it belongs and get your life back on track .Al-Anon will get u there .
Welcome to MIP! Go to meetings, read the literature, and keep coming back. Some of the answers to your questions will come to you. Unfortunately, infidelity (or other addictions) go with alcoholism. Try to separate yourself with good boundaries. To me, emotional infidelity is just as painful. But as others have said, he can't help YOU solve the problem. Believe me, I have tried.
Welcome to MIP, sorry for the circumstances that brought you but glad you are with family now. Like you, I too have dealt with the issues of infidelity and it is mind wrecking to say the least. My exA cheated on me for who knows how long, with one of our close friends, his best friends wife, and when I found out my world was knocked off it's axis in many ways. I understand your pain, but remember it's time to focus on you, make your life a happy place to be.....it's hard and takes a lot of work, but we all deserve to be happy........ Keep coming back....
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Hi everyone,thanks for taking the time to reply to my post,I appreciate all the concern & caring here. Some good advice I know,but I do want to reply to the comments about,"How do you expect him to help you get over it?" While like I mentioned,he made specific promises on how we would deal with our issues when he got out,go to joint counselling,go to a family treatment center etc.,and then he not only TOTALLY reneged on these promises,he was downright cruel about it,and seemed to relish my hurt reaction,watched my face really intently,while he said mean things,etc.,and then of course,there were the women he met in treatment,who wouldnt leave us alone for awhile,until I confronted them myself,and basically had to demand they back off.He seemed to enjoy all this,which I find really sick,and disgusting.We also made certain commintments TOGETHER,(of a large financial kind),when I thought he was doing better,(During treatment,he was a total sweetheart on his weekend visits,going out of his way to be loving and kind,but now it seems it was all a trick.)feel like he has gone beyond what is "normal" even for an alcoholic,as he seems downright "evil" at times,but maybe I'm wrong,and this is just the natural progression of the disease,that someone just gets more and more "soulless' as they continue on.Right now,I KNOW I should leave,based on everything that has happened,I never thought I would put up with this much,but I feel trapped right now,and also as I mentioned,really dragged down,no energy,not capable of making major life moves at the moment. Anyway,thanks again for all the comments,and I will try to keep coming back. P.S. does anyone know how I get my real name off here,I didnt think it was going to show up,or I wouldnt have submitted it,thought I had to!! Thanks!!
I understand how u feel but when u rely on an alcoholic for emotional support your always going to be dissapointed and if using or drinking , remember they will do and say anything to get us off thier back or to get what they want . I believe they mean the promises when they make them , disease just tells them it's not that important . Learn to rely on yourself and trusted friends then u will never be dissapointed and if he comes thru that is a bonus .
about your second question. I dont know how to get your name off, but if no one answers you on this posting, consider posting it as a NEW post. Please dont worry about it showing up, no one here cares about names, but I understand your concern.
Well , it's so unbelievable when we go through these things we can get to thinking it's only us going through it. It's not fair and not right, I'm married to a woman that used alcohol and prescription meds for 20 + years. Well needless to say she blames me and she's the one that had the affair, and most recently a week from treatment was in bed with a so called friend of mine from work. The sick thing is , is that we've been married the same amount of years this kid has been alive. 25 . She's away for the next 4 months trying to determine if she wants to come back to the relationship or not... she has anger issues and all that. CRAZY isn't it , ya I'm not perfect but in her eyes I'm the one to blame for her using and the cause of her infidelity. I will admit that 10 years ago , when I found out about the affair, I resented and was angry. I thought I dealt with it but really didn't. She continued to use and that triggered my insecure , untrusting re-actions towards her. I was not wholeheartedly in the relationship and was hanging on hoping she would just change and realize what we were worth. Well as she continued to use and spend days in bed, I began to play online poker. This was my way of dealing wasting time without really dealing. Well you can guess what happened next.... no I didn't get into debt, but all hours of the night and day , I began to wonder on the net and amazingly adult sites appeared on my computer. I denied and felt she wasn't there for me and it was ok cuz no-one would know. I wouldn't lower myself to an actual affair with a real person, but I did really, in my heart with these fake , fantasy women. I'm in recovery and counselling for this and this is one of the reasons she is mad at me , cuz I've only admitted it recently. Now I felt in the past it was ok...but it's not , it stole time and intimacy from my real relatiionship,. Yes we needed marriage counselling to help us get through and we didn't get it, but hopefully we can in 4 months. I've learned about addiction and how the primitive and reward part of the brain works. The receptors and dopamine etc. very interesting I suggest anyone go online and use the computer for what it was intended. It helps me to understand her as well as myself. I wouldn't have been able to talk and admit this 2 months ago, but as I learn more and understand we all have needs that are normal, that we don't have to be ashamed or guilty for I am able to forgive myself and get healthy. I've only now started to let it go and let My Higher Power take all of it. So I didn't cause her to make the decisions she made , she made em, and she didn't control me, but what we do act on does affect the other, if you care about someone then sooner or later we have to face the consequences and think of them and their feelings to. I want a Healthy , Respectful, Equally Loving and giving relationship and realize that she may not be the person to fit my expectations. It's hard and it hurts like hell , but as I go to Al-anon and counselling I'm realizing I don't have to be a door mat and do all the work, don't be a victim or a volunteer. Take care of you and have your expectations and feelings met and mean something cuz they do. Take care of you and less of everyonee else for a change. Cuz as a man and from a mans point of view he will wonder what's up ? maybe. If what you did in the past didn't work , maybe it's time to focus the attention on you and see what happens, maybe, I'm strongly only suggesting here , not telling you what to do.
Thanks for the replies,I hear you all,I need to focus on ME,thats real hard for me to learn,I guess I have always felt,"unworthy" of a life of my own,pursuing my own path to healing,and my own life goals etc.I have been in this relationship since I was a teenager,so its like I grew up this way,(with him),and can't really comprehend a different life,even though I know I need one badly!! Mentally,I "get it",emotionally,I'm a wreck,and can't seem to let go,of my hopes,and expectations.Never thought I was a 'doormat',I actually have alot of spunk/smarts,but I feel I have been slowly but surely,beaten down emotionally by this,and I realize I have let him get away with far to much,now when I try to set the boundaries,he outwardly agrees,and then secretly sets about to prove he won't "be controlled".its all so sick,and unhealthy.Anyway,I will try to get to some meetings,Ive been like 2 or 3 times in "real life",and I did really like it.Take Care everyone,you guys are awesome,It actually brought tears to my eyes to read your repies,just the fact that strangers would care enough to bother,is heartwarming.Thanks again!!
it felt like all my hope was compelety crushed,whats worse,its like he did it ON PURPOSE.Now the anger and sorrow I feel is eating me up inside,and I've lost all joy,and purpose in life.I feel like the biggest fool ever,for being conned like this over and over.How do I get over it all,and move on,when I am so crushed with depression,and grief that I have no energy? Oh,and by the way,he still thinks its okay to have "woman friends"! Which I believe he has lost the right to have,and there is ongoing tension/fights,over his so-called friends he met in treatment,who just so happen to be women!! I'm sickened and disgusted by his insensitivity.Is this even normal,for someone to behave this way,even if they are an alcoholic? Are they all this big of liars,and so insensitive to others pain? A Wounded Soul.