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Just got off the phone with abf. He is in a treatment center in Florida working on his recovery. He went into detox two weeks ago, and from there went to an inpatient facility. He has been gone for exactly two weeks today. I received two letters in the mail from him today and have spoken to him twice, once Sat. and the other tonight. From my end, it doesnt appear to me that he is sincerely working on himself. His main concern, or focus, is getting out of there. He claims it is boring, that the counselors and therapists are *insert bad word* and that nothing about what they told him about the facility is true. Denial? In both of his letters he claims he is doing just great, a little too great for me I might add. He is speaking of clarity and having his head screwed on straight. I am VERY skeptical. This seems way too good to be true....and we know what they say about that! When he went away to boot camp six years ago and was gone for 6 months, we used to write eachother some pretty explicit letters. In one of the letters I read from him today, he asked me to do that again, and then when he called me, he verbally asked me about it. I didnt know what to say. I told him that I couldnt just write it to write it, that he was making me feel pressured. He replied that he guessed it wasnt like it was when he was in boot camp. I didnt respond, and he just said, well, see what you can do, I'd appreciate it. When I hung up the phone, I almost wanted to vomit. Yes, I love him, yes I would like to see him healthy and perhaps explore the possibility of having a healthy relationship with him....but I cant seem to see that he is trying to get healthy, not after a request for that and not after what we had gone thru prior to his going away. I dont feel guilty about how I feel, I guess I am a little concerned that he will take my reluctance and use it somehow to hinder himself in his recovery...if that makes sense. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
He's just taking the first baby steps towards recovery. It is a long, hard journey if the A wants to make true and lasting changes. My AH had to hit a number of bottoms after he entered rehab and didn't really start to work on getting better until he was out and sober about 9 months. That was when he got a sponsor and, I think, finally accepted that he was the same as everyone else and that he wasn't "special." He decided, on his own, that he wanted to be sober and happy--not just dry. Three years later, he is still working on it and some days are better than others. But that is his journey....
Now is the time for YOU. Keep the focus on your recovery and remember that it is alot easier for him to think about other addictions (sex, gambling, etc.) instead of facing himself and the reality of what his life has become. You can't make that better for him and if you try, you may be delaying his miracle!!
One of the first things I "remembered" once I came to Al-Anon was to to trust my gut. I lost that living with an active A. I got so used to trying to explain away things, trying to make sense of the chaos around me and living in denial that I lost that inner moral compass. Now, I try to be aware of how situations and people make me feel and when I feel sick to my stomach or get that pit in the middle of my gut, I pay attention to it. It took awhile, but I rediscovered that I have choices and that I don't have to do something just because the A asked, especially not if I get that feeling.
Pay attention to your gut, focus on you and work on your own recovery. Staying out of the way of my AH's recovery was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but it was worth it--for him and especially for me!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I can relate to what you had to say. My ABF is in prison because of his addictions. He is attending A.A and N.A but does not really want recovery. I've learned I can not control him or change him. All I can do is work on and focus on myself. And my own recovery here in Al-Anon. My boyfriend also wanted me to write explicit letters to him as well. So I can relate to having that pressure. I finally wrote him a letter saying that there is more to our realationship then just that and I'm not saying I don't ever want to talk about that but just not right now. I haven't heard back from him yet but I feel like for me that was the right thing to do.
The best thing I have ever heard was leave his recovery up to him, concentrate on yours. If you don't feel comfortable writing the letters, then don't. If you do, then do so. How you react is your choice. Remember your are not inside his head. Recovery for all of us is a long, hard road. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to concentrate on your program. Turn him over to HP and let him do the rest. You will become much stronger if you stick with your prorgam. You will be less vulnerable to his manipulations. Remember he is an A, and they are use to manipulating people, places and things in order to get what they want. I wish you both well in recovery. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I used to spend a lot of time second guessing the A. I think its pretty addictive. I also spent a lot of time over reating to him. Don't get me wrong I still over react daily but I'm no longer lost in it.
You can create space for yourself with al anon. The problem is it takes a lot of practice to get better at de-taching.
The other thing I could say is to set boundaries and detach with love. It is not easy I've just started doing that myself. But, you have to put yourself and your feelings first. It is not selfish to do that because A's are selfish people. So you are just doing what's going to keep you sane and happy. Don't let him control you.
