The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the only place I can express myself and my anxieties. My post on TH and FRI of last week re: my latest cancer diagnosis has brought me many responses; thanks to everyone.
I have had no contact with EXDIL since she stopped by Friday with the grandbaby. She and I had horrible words last week via phone (that is always how it happens) and she made her usual threats. So when she just stopped in Friday I thought "well, she is over her anger with me".....she was sort of normal, but subdued about my diagnosis and said she didn't know what to say (unusual for someone who makes her living talking/communicating!). Anyway, no more contacts, not even to let me know how child was doing following cast removal. I have vowed not to call her; I am just trying to mind my own business with both her and my son (another story!). Anyway, my spouse gently told me to think about that Friday visit; he said "she didn't come by out of compassion or forgiveness; she came by because the child's bag of DVD's was left here after we kept him last week and she can't live with out them." That made sense and made me sad....so true. The movies keep child occupied and quiet, so she had to have them. So now I wonder if she is indeed making her threats reality. If so, I have to accept that. She told me I had to choose either my grandchild or my son.....I have at this point chosen neither. That would be impossible for me, but not to choose is choosing one way or another.
My son drank last week after a long period of not doing so. He made a couple stupid errors in judgement, so I took him to task for that as usual. He dropped off the face of the planet for about 48 hours. When he finally made contact, sober and acting as if nothing had happened, I leveled with him once more and told him that I am very sad and depressed about my health and that I cannot continue as we have been. Last night he called and after about 5 minutes of small talk, he barbed me as usual...putting the face/actions of his EX onto me.
I guess I am not being very successful at working the program. I just never seem to feel like I am doing it right. No matter how hard I try to detach with love, to mind my own business, things always happen. Sometimes I just don't bother to answer the phone. I seldom to never call my son unless I just have to. So why on this Monday morning, awaiting TH when I will find out my fate for the next few weeks (treatment/surgery), can I not just let things go. Why, when I turn things over often aloud to HP, do I pick them back up? I don't think I expect an answer from anyone. I fully know this is an individual thing which may never resolve until I leave this earth...that would resolve it for me, anyway. I miss my grandchild so much. And why wouldn't I? He was handed over to me at 3 months....10/12 hours a day, often more than 7 days a week. I have been actively involved in his care and raising.....now what? I am realistic; I know I have become too enmeshed, too caring, and it has made me practically nuts!!!! OK...talk over. I need to get busy.
Looks like you found my diary; the one I was writing in early recovery.
It's okay to change Joy...It's okay not to do...It's okay to let go and let God. It's okay to say "no"...It's okay to go against your compulsions...It's okay.
I once asked you how do you think it would feel being loved by yourself? What would it be like to be cared about by Joyoma? If you wait until you are no longer here you will never experience the happiness and joy of recovery while you are still here. One of the first steps we talk about alot here is to change our focus from on "them" to on "us". I was told and I found out it was true for me that I would never learn how to love another until I learned how to love myself and after running it thru the filter of the "great commandment" I found that to be true. If I am not being loving or loveable to myself there is no way I can do that for others.
I see that this is the time you surely need to "self care" and let all the others that you having trying to care for go. Release them. There is a Higher Power who can and does a better job than me on that maybe you can trust your HP also. Let others go and don't grab them back. Your insiteful husband might back you up on this. I know the board will.
I heard a speaker once who was talking about how she had gotten really tired of her sponsee always calling her and talking about the things her husband the alcoholic was doing. No matter how hard the speaker tried to convey to the sponsee that she did not want to talk about the husband's actions but would rather talk about the sponsee's action, sponsee just would not stop doing it.
So finally one day when the conversation eventually made its turn to the husband again she just hung up on her.
The sponsee immediately called right back and asked "Did you just hang up on me?"
The sponsor replied... "Oh no! I didn't hang up on you, I hung up on what's his name! I hate him! I don't want to hear anything about him!"
She only had to do this one or two times, before the sponsee got the message to keep the focus of discussions on her side of the street.
Perhaps telling your son that in the future you will hanging up on the "ex-dil" and then following thru could drive the message home, that you don't need to be upset by discussions about his problems with her.
You have enough to worry about with your OWN health right now.
Anyway, I just love the "hang up" thing and use it myself now. I really works!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have slipped so many times in my recovery, it's a good thing I have LOTS of padding back there. The beauty of recovery is that we can restart it any time we want to. I have lost counts of how many times I have to restart my recovery (and I'm talking several times during the day). It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. But you know what? I'm still here, you're still here, we are still here. That's a really good thing. I'll send extra love and prayers your way. Be gentle with yourself dear lady. You are an exceptional human being, and we are all better off for having you part of this family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
