The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It took me a while to feel like I could be alone. Truth is that I still feel compelled to reach out to others to fill the void that my ex and his drinking left behind when he moved out. It hasn't been easy figuring out who I am and what I want out of life. There's sex (finally after 4 years), going out, travel, parties, books, my home - all the things that weren't an option or that didn't feel like were things I could explore. Well some still aren't but that's due to timing and money and not because of someone else or a bottle. Others I am doing really well with while other 'adventures' just no longer hold any interest. I've evolved and I'm really trying to figure just whom I've evolved into.
A couple of weeks ago I had this gut instinct (a flash of intiution) come over me. Driving into my driveway I reached for my garage door opener and clicked it. As the door creaked and groaned up the first few inches I swear I saw the tires of my ex's trailblazer in the garage. It was just a momentary flash but it still scared the crap out of me. I just shook it off and went about my regular (well really new routine since he left) routine of coming home after work to an empty house.
A few days later I was still thinking on what had happened when I got a random text message from him asking me how I was doing. It was like I manifested him like you would on a Ouija board, but like you would with a Ouija board, I kinda just stepped away from my phone and left it alone. I figured it would be better left alone cause I don't need the spirit of dead relationship telling me how great it is on the other side now that he's left my world and crossed over into someone else's life. He actually found someone after only having been gone from me for a few weeks and I know this because he felt the need to share his good news. It wrecked me then and now 3 months later I figured it was going to be more of the same.
The week ticked by and he was still on my mind. Something was up and I just felt it in my gut. You don't live with someone for 4 years and have such an intense, intimate relationship and not get a 'feel' of them that lingers even after they are gone. I'd been going through some rough times with my job wondering if I was going to be one of the thousands cut so I was already very emotionally distrught from that when he sent me another text message at the end of the week before last. This time his text message was more concillatory and had a hint of pleading to it. I still choose to ignore it. Then another came and then after that emails started. "I know I hurt you. Can you please forgive me..."
Now at the time he lived 1200 miles away in Florida where I thought he was having the life of Riley with his new boyfriend but common sense more than intuition told me that he wasn't doing well as a car salesman selling gas guzzlers in a down economy in South Florida. Like I said before something was up.
I prayed to my higher power and asked for guidance on what to do. While I had made some progress on my life, I was concerned that calling him would open a door that I wasn't ready to have him walk through. I know that I still love him and that feeling along with my intuition and some meditation led me to actually call him to see how he was doing.
Wow.
What a difference.
The short of the long was that he lost his job (like I figured but not that I wanted to be right) and his new found bf dumped him. He was in tears explaining how his job took a dive and how his bf dumped him unceremoniously after just 2 months or so. As he wept my heart really went out to him and I did pick him up (figuratively over the phone) and told him that everything was going to be ok. He went on to say that his most recent ex treated him so horribly and with no consideration that it finally dawned on him what it was like for me. He had wanted intimacy, stability, a future, kindness, and compassion from this guy and he constantly complained to his cousin how he never got any of those things. It was then he said that his cousin pointed out that everything that he wasn't getting from him were the same things that I had always wanted out of him. Light bulb time for him. Blinding.
I'm human. There is still a part of me that feels like justice has been served and though I so wanted to rail at him with such venom, I choose not to. Don't get me wrong I had my say about all the things that had happened in the past and he took it. It was such a role reversal where he was me and that new guy was him. My ex went on to say all the things that a lot of ex's of A's would love to hear: I didn't know what I had, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I was wrong, how could I have been so stupid... It was nice and the best part was that I forgave him and not so much for him but for me. It was great to let all that go.
By the way, he's not coming here to pick up the pieces of his life. He's going to his cousin's to lick his wounds. There was some serious talk about that but we decided that where we are that it would be best for him to be with family to sort out his issues while I continue to build my new life. Maybe someday later we can talk and we actually talk daily. Things that needed to have been said for years were finally out and on both sides. I'm not perfect either as he knows he's got some imperfections that he has to work on as well.
I really wish him well and now that all this has happened I realize how wonderful God is. In his wisdom a solution was found. It took my ex leaving me for me to get my life back and for my ex to hit what appears to be a bottom. It seems like he's grown from this and though I'm very weary about his words and their sincerity I at least know that it's from over a telephone call over a 1,000 miles away and not from the lazy boy chair in my living room.
I know that this isn't the end of his journey with Capt. Morgan but at least for me I'm no longer on a ship headed to no where.
wow Gared what a beautiful post! I gotta say, I am not there about my ex although perhaps some day I will be, god willing. You are a real inspiration and you are also so real about it , too- its a real honor and thanks for posting. Good food for thought and a great example. Hugs, J.
Thanks for your post. Some commonalities. My AHSober has been gone for over three years. This is after a 30 year marriage. I have spent alot of time banging off the walls. My sons are grown and gone. I think to myself this is not the life I had in mind. I too have flashes of him in my house, on the couch, sleeping with me again. You get use to that body and present whether it a good relationship or not. I came home to an empy house tonight and thought why do I have all this room? It is only me. I am not mature enough to call my AHsober and ask how he is doing. Good that you could be there for him.
What a great post. My abf is in a facility in Florida working on his recovery. I am not too sure about what will happen next. I feel a lot of what you are feeling....both the sureties and insecurities. He has written me two letters and I have gotten two phone calls, and he sounds way too good to be true! He has only been gone for less than two weeks, and I am very skeptical about his sincerity, and even more skeptical about his progress. I only know that I am making my own progress and I am working hard at not worrying about his. He hasnt apologized to me or realized what his disease has done to me or to anyone else he has touched, so I cant say I am at peace with it all yet, but I'm getting there, I am learning to be peaceful and gentle with myself. I know over the next several weeks, yours will be one of the posts I come back to for strength. I thank you for that. seeking peace, jeannie
-- Edited by liljeannie at 19:43, 2008-10-28
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
